Hit a wall in therapy; why can't I accept my experience?

[solongStockholm]

Hi everyone,

I just "woke up" to the fact that I came from a childhood rife with emotional neglect growing up in a very dysfunctional household with an addicted mother and very emotionally immature/enabling/Ntrait father. I started to unpack my trauma with my amazing therapist but have hit this wall the last couple weeks; I seem to keep slipping into the "it wasn't THAT bad" frame of mind. Because compared to what I read on here (physical abuse, overt emotional abuse, sexual abuse) it just wasn't. I think my mother was emotionally abused and my father had a very dysfunctional household growing up. I think they were two people who were just doing the best they could for their family. I don't think they intended to cause me harm.

All of this rationalization is preventing me from grieving what I lost though.

Any insight from someone who understands?

Thank you. <3

[Three Roses]

I ran across this quote the other day and was saving it for a moment like this one, i knew someone would need to  hear it -

"I've heard that no matter what you're going through, someone has it worse. I don't like that statement. I've never liked it. It's emotionally dismissive, and it teaches us our personal struggles are insignificant. So we hide, and we refuse to cry out, and we try not to burden others with our pain. Someone might have it worse, true. But we are all broken, and we are all human, and we are never alone. Never."
Sara Beth McClure

What is horrendously damaging to one of us may not be a hill of beans to someone else. What I find insignificant, someone else may find murderously difficult. To say we are all the same regarding our tolerance for pain is the same to me as saying we should all be able to lift 300 pounds, just because someone else has done it. Your pain is not negated because someone may have "had it worse". It doesn't automatically smooth your path or undo all the damage you've been through. Each one of us can think of a worse situation to be in, no matter how good or bad we had it in the past.

Your pain is valid, your struggles are valid, the difficulties you face because of them are valid.

[Riverlad]

Hi solongStockolm,
Yes I'm sure your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. However that in no way negates the damage that was done to you, nor the emotional development you missed out on. It takes time to rebuild that.
Don't know how long you have been in therapy, do know the path we tread is not like a highway, we never seem to go straight to the destination, even if we think we know it. Our journey is a long one of self discovery. Some times we sprint, we have ah ah moments, at others we have to sit, feel, contemplate, learn, consolidate, process, grieve and move on another step. I find the times when I seem to be getting nowhere the most painful of all. Though I am learning that these times often come before another break through, if I can just sit with the discomfort.
"Sometimes I slip, sometimes I fall. I get up, first on one knee, then the other. I walk on. That's the way it is." (Anon)

[Moonlighter]

It's weird knowing that the abuse/neglect is wrong, but justifying it anyway. I do the same thing. Supposedly it's because I have a lot of empathy. And apparently it's a protective mechanism. Your mind is saying to you that you need to slow down a bit, take this step slowly. When I'm plowing through my therapy (because it's so awesome to make progress and I want to keep going!) and ignoring that part that thinks I should slow down I am suddenly forced to slow down. Usually that means a migraine that knocks me out for a few days or some kind of self-destructive behavior. Then I really have to take a break, and often a step back.

So I recommend breathing, self care, and lots of pats on the back. Give yourself little rewards and treats for doing what you need to do to get through all the struggles, big and small, in your life. And be prepared--it may not seem "all that bad" in some ways, but it deeply affected you in other ways. You're going to need to love and support yourself through this part of your therapy. And you've got additional support here. 

[Blueberry]

Hi solongStockholm,

Been there, countless times. With increased healing it's been lessening.

Comparing oneself with others doesn't help. My FOO was always comparing me with others when I was growing up, and also belittling my emotional pain. They talked about people with "real problems" and that I had invented my own anyway. Children and teenagers with "real problems", that would be those cases you'd read about in the newspaper, as if other problems don't count. I certainly have "real problems" now, like can hardly work.

Anyway, I think my tendency to make light of my own problems stems from what I always heard growing up and the more I learn to distance myself from FOO the more I learn to trust my own judgement. People like in inpatient therapy reacting to what I was saying has helped a lot too. That's validating. Like: "while you were saying that, my arm went numb" or "Look, I'm crying at your pain too".

Agree also with Moonlighter - give yourself rewards and congratulate yourself on all the progress you've been making. I hope I'm allowed to give you a 

[sanmagic7]

my foo was the one that other kids looked at and wanted it to be their family, that's how 'normal' and 'happy' it looked.  i was anxious and depressed by the time i was 16, and developed alexithymia (disconnect from my emotions) before i went away to college.  we weren't beaten, we weren't demeaned, per se, my parents weren't addicts, they showed they loved each other, there was no swearing, we went to church, were good people,  etc. etc. 

what i was raised with were forms of emotional neglect, fear, lies, and unrealistic expectations.  they took their toll on me in no uncertain terms, setting me up to not have boundaries, accept abuse as something that i could somehow fix if i stayed with it long enough, walk through the world in an emotionally-devoid bubble, continue having unrealistic expectations for myself and everyone around me, including husbands and children, and on and on.

was my upbringing better than those of others?  i'm here, getting help on this forum because of c-ptsd.  my upbringing and all my other experiences are neither better nor worse, only different.  because i'm older, they may have also lasted longer. 

you're here as well, for a reason.  your upbringing hurt, wounded, and damaged you, even if it was different from the hurt, wounding, and damage of others.  your experience counts for what it was and what it did to you.  no more, no less.  we're all birds on the same wire here, and there's a reason for that. 

my best to you with this.  it can be tough getting out of the comparison mode. people do it all the time with image and looks and body shapes.  my opinions.  keep taking care of you.  you're worth it.  hugs!

[EverPure]

I understand. For years I was completely in denial that my childhood had any negative impact at all. Except for this slow building underlying resentment that eventually exploded in my face these past years when I could deny no longer. 

I think it's so hard for people who were emotionally abused and neglected to see it for what it is. There's a strong socialisation current out there that wants to excuse parental failings unless it's very obviously a crime. No-one parents perfectly but there are a lot of abused people are being told they're just full of ungrateful angst because their childhoods weren't perfect. Which is of course gaslighting. 

It's also part of the parental patterning to have you completely confused about your own experience. It's unlikely you were allowed to protest their abuse without consequences. Parents that act like the mafia, silencing witnesses, are extremely good at convincing us that their actions were acceptable.

The other aspect is fear of admission to yourself. I ran into this. When I finally accepted I was traumatised you can't imagine the fear that beset me for days on end. It meant, this one person I had been maintaining a relationship with was my biggest oppressor. I had been in bed with the enemy all along and that made me feel extremely fearful and vulnerable to realise that. So unpleasant.

[joyful]

HI Solongstockholm
I do the same thing. You're right, it makes healing so hard when we can grieve for our losses.
One thing that I did a few days a go was writing my experience in the third person, like it happened to someone else. For me it helped a lot and allowed me to grieve more. If someone else was telling us these things happened to them we wouldn't tell them it wasn't that bad, we would be so sad for them. Writing like it was someone else's experience was really helpful for me.
Sorry for the short response, words aren't coming right now