Identity crisis... anyone else?

[papillon]

Maybe there's already a thread around this topic, I wasn't sure what to search for. If you know of a resource I should look at, please let me know

Recovery is complicated. I've been recovering for years, but I've been doing it without support and while lying to myself that the abuse could have lasting effects on my life. I thought that I could deny it power in my life by failing to acknowledge that it occurred, or "putting it behind me". I could also say that my recovery has only just begun within the last few months because I finally broke down and accepted that the abuse had far-reaching consequences in my life and that I need outside help to really move forward.

My question is this:

Has anyone else gone through a period of intense identity confusion when beginning the healing process? I mean to say that I can now see how pervasive the aftermath of abuse has been in my life, seeping into every corner of my personality, and it has challenged my understanding of who I am at my core self.

As an example:

Do I really love my chosen profession or was I groomed to love it because that's the only area of my life I was ever given approval for by my abusers? Is that an authentic part of who I am or is it wrapped up in the abuse? Will healing from the abuse take away my joy in what I do?

I hope what I'm saying makes sense, let me know if I need to clarify!

[Dutch Uncle]

I had a severe identity-crisis that kicked the whole process in motion. It was triggered by my female sibling who for the umpteenth time told me "You have no consideration for anybody, ever", and then launched a diatribe.
That literally had my head spinning for days on end  . Then she wanted to 'talk it over', I agreed and I got the whole sermon again!    I then thought I must be an Asperger's (it was the only way to make sense of it, or so I thought), figured out I wasn't, started drinking etc. and now I'm here. 
(Wow, that was a long story short.)

An article that helped me get grounded again is:
http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/discover-your-core-commitments.html
I still revisit it at times. And I have a list of "forced commitments" I'm quitting on the wall behind the desk I'm at now. One of them is "I have to better myself".   Nope, I don't have to.

Do I really love my chosen profession or was I groomed to love it because that's the only area of my life I was ever given approval for by my abusers? Is that an authentic part of who I am or is it wrapped up in the abuse? Will healing from the abuse take away my joy in what I do?

No, healing from your abuse will not take away the joy in what you do IMHO.
And if you have joy in your profession, I find it very unlikely you were groomed for it.
I can understand you may feel a bit confused if your abusers 'approve' of your profession. But perhaps this is just one of the times they weren't abusive.

[woodsgnome]

Papillon asked: "Has anyone else gone through a period of intense identity confusion when beginning the healing process? I mean to say that I can now see how pervasive the aftermath of abuse has been in my life"...

Yes, there's a part of what you relate that's familiar. Mine wasn't so much a sense of identity confusion as a wholesale identity reversal...basically in my early 20's, I fell into a career path (acting) that "allowed" me to leave the entirety of the old persona behind. This long-lasting stage persona became a core component of who I wanted to be like anyway. I also had many positives via that career which, I see now, were gratifying but also covered over a lot of issues stemming from my abusive childhood/adolescence. I thought I'd stepped beyond the original identity issues, but it only hid my deep emotional pain and recovery needs.

Issues began to recur clearly tied to those neglected emotions, until finally I turned to a therapist, who easily identified what was then known as the effects ptsd; later of course the term cptsd better described what had happened. I'm still making my way out. Identity became less the mode than mere survival of the emotional pit that my life never fully emerged from.

One difference for me, though, was that the abusers were out of the picture early (partly by design and physically moving far away); so the acting and other paths I found myself on were strictly of my own volition. But, as Dutch has indicated, "healing from your abuse will not take away the joy in what you do IMHO."

There have been several thread that touch on this...one that comes to mind is:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2300.0

That covers Part 2 of a thread titled "Feeling Like an Impostor"; not sure how to find Part 1 ("search" didn't bring it up).

Hope this covers some of what you were wondering about; and hope you find some peace setting out further on the recovery road. Seems like you're already acknowledging what was also a key for me--"accepting" (while not condoning) that yes, what did happen affects you deeply, but now you've turned the corner. Easily said, but very hard to accomplish.

[papillon]

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses! I will read the resources you recommended. I'm immensely thankful for the community we have here. It reminds me that I'm not alone. My response below may be triggering (fair warning!).

Occasionally I have these moments where I bottom out in a feeling of hopelessness. It happened this week after a therapy appointment that didn't go well. I had a panic attack in session and the next day I woke up completely uninterested in life. I moved from my bed to my couch and laid there for two hours before hunger motivated me to make breakfast. As you can imagine, the day was largely unproductive.

I was incapable of thinking clearly, I couldn't make anything matter in my mind, and there was a dark refrain as I watched the outpouring of the dysfunction of my formative years affect my life. I fear that my future has been stolen from me as well as my past. My thought trail went something like this: "How can I ever function as a valued member of society when I can't predictably function from day to day? How can I ever be someone's wife? How can I ever be someone's mother?" And so on.

These are some of my darkest moments. The suicidal ideation pops it's head up when I feel that I've lost my sense of self and with it my sense of worth.

A couple days out from this I'm absolutely horrified that the progression from feeling in love with my life to being one action away from taking my life could happen so quickly.

Again, thanks for your support, it means a lot!

[woodsgnome]

Yes...I also share all you've added--the sadness, hopelessness, the why, and we know the rest of the list too well.

Post-therapy has always been a doozie for me; perhaps it's why I've bailed on it so often--I'm trying it again and this time I intend to see it through, but also not putting any glowing expectations on it. Not relaxing into it so much as accepting that it always has the potential to be rough, but I can make it through. Perhaps even worse is that's not just my reaction to therapy, but lots else--a grocery trip, meeting one person, simple stuff like that is a huge event on any day. Then there's the aftermath of critiquing the simplest 'yes/no/how are you' exchange as "how'd I do?". Yuk...and yet...

I mentioned foregoing expectations. That describes a turn I've realized the last couple years; building more acceptance (but not resignation) into this life. Aiming less for the perfect turn bound to come and more on the small steps already taken and the possibility of more. No magical expectations, acceptance, and possibility (including setbacks) feel like the 3 keys to my recovery now. This sounds wonderful but is also an absolute potential 'freak-out' territory to venture into. Often I want to turn back and give up...again.

You wrote: "I feel that I've lost my sense of self and with it my sense of worth." The fact that you were able to feel is likely a plus, as it suggests that you realize the potential of finding those feelings again. Not in this moment, maybe; but perhaps the next, with more as you move forward.

Once, on a canoe trip, I was in danger of being swamped on a large lake when huge rollers suddenly built up, driven by a fierce wind. I could anticipate hitting the rocks looming on the shore to my right but, while I noticed the danger, there wasn't time to contemplate the 'what if'. My instructions to my up-front canoe mate were "dip you paddle in the lowest possible wave-trough to propel us forward and through; don't stop, but always only thrust through at the bottom of each wave". It feels better when I can remember that moment when emotional waves threaten me again.

Some call this courage, a nice bold word which only glosses over the dire reality of acceptance as option #1, then going on from there. The courage is more a willingness to stay with and accept what was, is, and will be. By what you've shared in this thread, it's what you're doing, and it's perfect. Perfection includes the doubts and all the rest, with the potential that tomorrow's 'better' feeling holds the prospect of more once we cross the waves.

                              

[papillon]

 

Oh my gosh do I relate to what you said about over-analyzing every interaction you have with people. I've become a very social person because life has demanded it of me... but it isn't natural. Even the smallest of exchanges can be exhausting because they constantly replay in my head. I want to please everyone. Not because I care what they think of me, but because I want to avoid negative consequences of their potential disapproval.  It's 100% self-focused, self-preservation and 0% caring about their feelings/thoughts/experiences/emotions.

I feel like I'm describing myself as some kind of monster. People who know me would say that I'm gentle, kind, sincere and thoughtful. My motives can be genuine sometimes; but primarily I think I'm operating from a place of waiting for the other shoe to drop so I'll do anything to keep people happy.

Thank you for mentioning acceptance. I need to spend some time with that word. It terrifies me, but I see that it is a crucial step to take before moving forward.

I spent a lot of time on the water kayaking/canoeing with my dad as a kid. I love this analogy, thank you for painting this mental picture! I will hold on to it 

[I like vanilla]

Yes, early in recovery and even now fairly well into recovery, I often question 'how did I get here?' Early on I asked 'am I doing this because it is what has gotten me approval?' Now I tend to ask, 'am I doing this as a form of rebellion?'. How to know?

Where I am, the libraries have some books on PTSD but very few on CPTSD. Those on PTSD generally talk about 'getting back to where you were before the trauma' because they assume (correctly for PTSD) the trauma is a single incident (car accident, death in the family, etc.). Unfortunately, this idea works badly for someone with CPTSD due to childhood abuse.

I have asked my therapist, 'how do I get back to 'before' when the trauma started in my infancy and I wasn't me yet? When the abuse started at the same time as the formation of my personality, how can I know what parts are really me and which are those inserted like parasites into my being by people like my FOO?' How do I know who I am when I was never allowed to be who I am at the time that people figure out who they are? 

It's an impossible set of questions to answer. It helped that I stopped reading books on PTSD... At the end of the day I have also decided to try and stop 'chewing on it' so much. Instead, I am looking at where I am in life, what I am doing, where I am going and doing a bit of decluttering. Physically, I am literally decluttering in my home. But more symbolically, I am decluttering in my relationships and in my internal 'bits and pieces'. I am looking at different aspects, different objects, different people in my life and asking, 'does this add to or take away from my Self?' 'Do I enjoy having this person/thing/idea/behaviour/etc. in my life?' 'Is having this [insert noun] in my life harming me or helping me?'. 

There are physical things in my apartment that I have donated to the thrift store which I have received by people who are harmful to me but not because of where they came from but because I do not like them. I am surprised to have kept a couple pieces from people I dislike because I like the pieces and take enjoyment from them despite their origins. I am also looking at items that I got for myself and from people I care about a great deal and trying to objectively look at whether or not an item fits with where and who I am and doing my best to discard, recycle, donate, etc. the pieces that do not work even though I love the person who gave them to me.

I am also looking at relationships (or trying to) based on how the interactions are working or not working now. Rather than 'hanging on' because things were good, or at least perceived to be good, in the past, I am looking at how things are in the present. I am finding that as I heal some of my relationships have become more problematic; I am seeing the abuse and the other person is resisting my ability to assert myself. In these cases, I am having to choose to reduce contact with the person or to let them go entirely. In other cases, the relationships have gotten better as I am better able to interact in healthy ways with others and better able to see the support people offer. As I declutter I am also starting to make room for new friends, which is enjoyable.

Finally, and most difficultly, I am working through behaviours, ideas, beliefs, etc. that I carry inside of myself. Fortunately, I have a good therapist to help me with this. I still do ask 'am I doing this for acceptance or rebellion?' but I am also asking 'does this serve me and who I am and where I want to be in life?'. No matter how or where I obtained an internal 'bit and piece' if it is working in my Self then I am keeping it and if it is not working for me then I am working to discard it. It is, admittedly, tricky to figure out which is which. But, I am also working on feeling my feelings and staying in touch with my instincts and intuition and taking things one step at a time.

I hope that made sense.

[papillon]

Yes, you make absolute sense! I just want to thank you for your thoughtful response. I'll respond properly tomorrow once I've had a good night's sleep