To my grandma H

[GoSlash27]

Grandma,
 I have so much regard and affection for you! I'll start with that.
 You were wonderfully kind, affectionate, and attentive with us as children. You read to me at bedtime, taught me proverbs, how to read an analog clock.
 You cooked breakfast (famous gross runny eggs), drew smiley faces on our bellies with lipstick when we cleaned our plates, tended to our skinned knees and bruises.
 I have no regrets or animosity. You were amazing!
 And I'm not even looking at it through rose colored glasses. I knew you were crazy, even as a child. Paranoid delusional. I personally helped you destroy every vacuum tube in your TV because you were convinced that it was watching you. How old was I then? 6? 7?
 I was aware how crazy you were, but you were never threatening or harmful. You were a wonderful mother despite the loose screws.
 This leads me to my fundamental confusion: Your daughter. She blamed the way she was on you, but she was also a narcissistic pathological liar. The mother she described was not at all the grandmother I experienced. And your relationship was not what I would have expected between an abused child and her abuser. She bickered with you way too much.
 But she ended up the way she was *somehow*. I wish I could know whether you were a different person earlier in your life when you were her mother. If you were the cause or just the scapegoat.
 My access to that truth died with you.
 
 I suppose it doesn't matter now. She's dead. You're dead. Everyone's dead. It's just a question I have no way to answer and I hate those.
 I love you, Grandma. I love you and I miss you. I wish we had been closer at the end.
-Slashy