Trouble setting boundaries

[CallMeRoo]

I have long struggled with the ability to see myself as a person. More like a service or an object. I can understand and am aware that most of that comes from the way people have treated me over my lifetime. I have never set boundaries for myself because it was not safe. I will give the people around me all I have left or work myself into the ground without complaint. My therapist suggested that boundaries be where my journey starts, as they would be a good way to regain some of my self-importance. My problem is, I have no clue what I'm doing. I have no clue where to start. Has anyone else had this problem? If so, what helped you? I could really use some inspiration. Thanks!

[Marcine]

Hi Roo,
I relate to your question about how to start the journey of setting boundaries... realizing that living without boundaries may be familiar, but also it is self-defeating.

Good for you to arrive at these understandings!

I think the clue to moving forward may be in the first sentence of your post: "I have long struggled with the ability to see myself as a person."

I also struggled for a long time to see myself as a person— one who is worthy of existing, having needs, expressing feelings, and knowing self-esteem.

Over the years, I tried the standard practices to set boundaries— "learn to say no", "identify your non-negotiables", "get comfortable disappointing people", "stop explaining", "defend your emotional turf", etc etc.

None of it worked for me. It felt like pretending and acting, following someone else's script.

Then, I found what did click for me. If I believed in my inherent worth, then naturally I would protect myself. I would defend myself. I wouldn't be a doormat. I would set and enforce boundaries because I valued myself.

So long story short, that's been the turning point for me as far as setting boundaries. Like so many things, it comes from the inside. Not fancy techniques to memorize or scripts to follow.

I think you probably know all this already, but it's nice to have a chance to spell it out and maybe connect some dots.

I hope this can be helpful. If not, just compost it and keep on growing

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Marcine.

And if it is too hard to believe in your inherent worth then maybe you could experiment with approaching boundaries with how you might advise a close friend if they came to you with a boundary problem.

I'd also suggest you try starting with some really small things just to see how it feels. If it's clunky or awkward it is far easier to gloss over if you have simply asked somebody if they could perhaps not open the window right next to you on a cold day, and then fail to enforce that one time.

Finally, I would also suggest you bear in mind that boundaries are for you and in many cases they do not even have to be stated. For example if you have a FOO member who insists on talking about your weight in a horrible way you do not have to ask them to stop talking about your weight. If you do, chances are they will continue with gusto because they know it bothers you. You can instead say to yourself that the second they start talking about your weight you will end the conversation. This can be with a polite excuse - a delivery is at the door, or you have to leave now because you have an errand that slipped your mind. The point is that every time the horrible thing starts to happen you end it.

[Kizzie]

  I like what both Marcine and NarcKiddo wrote 

I will reiterate that starting small is probably best and then work your way toward bigger/more important boundaries. I do think it might be an idea to check out ideas online for setting and enforcing boundaries because it can help to have some tucked away for when you need them.   

I have worked on boundaries for a long time and have finally gotten to a place where I am able to be direct with those who are pushing my boundaries. It doesn't always land well with the person you are setting them with but I have also come to see that is their problem and not mine. Often boundary pushers will think what they are doing is okay because they've gotten away with it for a long time so it stops them in their tracks. They may try and make you feel you are being mean or unfair.  Not so!

IMO we are not here to forever fawn or give in when we encounter these people, rather it's our right (and it's a healthy thing to do) to set and enforce our boundaries. We don't have to get angry, we can just calmly state what we'd like the other person to stop doing and why. If they carry on then we have every right to discontinue the conversation and walk away. 

Hope this is helpful but if not, as Marcine says just chuck it on the compost heap. 

[Alexandra]

Hello CallMeRoo; Oh ,my, I both understand, and have sympathy for you, I too, was a thing, something to be used and abused, I could not even have any personal possessions , my so-Called mother would destroy them. I found that expressing my needs , feelings ,opinions, or setting  boundaries ,makes  me feel very anxious , frankly, asserting ,my self as a human being, requires ,that I tolerate a lot of anxiety. This is what has helped me, I pay attention, to my feelings, and needs, in small ways , I have  cultivated people who have good boundaries ,I have  noticed that they had good parents, particularly , good mothers,I listen to how they mothered their children , to learn how to be ,a good mother to myself,people with good boundaries  tend not ,to violate mine, I talk to, listen and ask questions, about how they handle people who violate their boundaries, after all, standing up for myself, is a skill , and not a skill, I learned, so I have learned from others . I do hope this is helpful .