To Dad

[GoSlash27]

Dad,
 This one is really difficult for me. Let me start out by saying I remember all the stuff you think I don't. I remember when you were a doo-wop greaser, mom hot- combing your hair. I remember "I didn't say I was thirsty". I remember "hingepins". I remember me, D, and V on your lap laughing hysterically while you sang "lime in the coconut" to us.
 I remember *all* of it. My memory's messed up because of what happened. I'm not supposed to remember, but I do.
 I also know about everything you were up to that you think I don't. The multiple families, the illegitimate children, the aliases (your dead brother? Seriously??), how "Hingepin Manor" became a zombie house. I'm aware of most of it if not all. I've been busy.

 I never resented you. You were "Dad", with your scratchy cheeks, baritone voice, 3 piece suit, smelling of "Brut". I remember your funny way of swishing your mustache and that twinkle in your eye when you thought you'd gotten one over on me. Your puzzlement when you knew I was broken but you didn't know what to do for me, how you became a good father with a stable home that I didn't fit into.

 I had no hate or resentment for you because you weren't around when all the bad stuff happened. You didn't personally do anything bad to me. That's the rub: You weren't around.

 I still don't hate you or resent you, but I must properly assign blame and culpability. As an officer, I'm sure you understand how this goes. You abandoned us. Just as surely as my mother did. You left us with someone who had threatened to kill us as infants and toddlers. CWS discounted you as a viable option for years because you left "Hingepin Manor" and lived under an assumed name in order to avoid punishment for your actions on January 24th 1974. When you did get custody of us, you left us with someone who had beaten 5 of her own children into institutions and just disappeared.

 You're guilty as *. If you were alive I wouldn't read you the riot act because I love you so much, but I need to reprioritize. I can't castigate mother and leave you blameless. You were afflicted with the same condition she had. Party all night, then not deal with the children you had created in the process. She was hostile, you were avoidant.

 I wish you were still alive today. Not to seek "closure", but simply "answers". You know where many of my subconscious landmines were laid. You died with the location of those landmines. Now I'll have to find them the hard way.

 Your widow B turned against the entire family. None of us attended your funeral because we weren't informed. She kept it a secret. I don't know how your youngest children are doing. They're all out of communication. I can tell you V is doing okay and I am doing well. Your grandson C is good. You'd be proud of him.