Healing or Holding On?

[Dark.art.girl]

WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!
This has been a really dark four days. I've fully allowed the past to infiltrate my relationship.

Serious issues have arose regarding my intimacy problems and I have no choice but to address it aggressively with treatment. My thoughts have gone completely morbid. I've reached out for help, don't worry. But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?

I'm sending the letter to my mother, I think. I just want to make 100% sure it's what I want my last words to be. To her. I don't mean "last words", I mean last words to her because I haven't and will not speak to her ever again lol. I'm not sure why, but I feel I'll get some closure from it. Somehow I'll feel a little touch of peace.

I hope you all are doing well. My activity on here is so sporadic.
Enjoy your weekend, friends. Just had to rant real quick, I guess!

[GoSlash27]

Dark Art,
 My first time commenting on your journal.
"But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?"
 Unfortunately, you'd be surprised. You don't have to feel like you're alone on that one.
 Best,
-Slashy

[Dark.art.girl]

Slashy!! 

Thanks for your response. I could see how a lot of people on here could feel the same. For some reason I always thought, well, so far this hasn't caused any rifts in interpersonal relationships. Um, hello? Am I the most naive person on the planet? Of course it has. It's just more apparent than before because this person I'm dating is an emotionally regulated adult. Now I have the eerie feeling that if this relationship goes wrong, and he's normal, how can I succeed in any other relationships? Am I doomed to die alone?

That's how I've been feeling, kind of. Doomed. It's been dark.

I spoke with a counselor who mentioned that a lot of times we get a little stuck at the age we were abused--I feel like I've been back and forth on that. It depends on my environment, maybe. But right now, I'm definitely 15 again. I just want justice so bad.

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., yeah, justice would be nice, wouldn't it?  i don't know if that ever happens, or if it would actually be satisfying, but it would be nice nonetheless.  good for you for recognizing what you needed and for taking action.  well done!  love and hugs