the next step

[sanmagic7]

NK, i've read what you wrote several times, and each time i could not relate.  couldn't relate to me having taken care of them all this time.  in fact, it seems quite the opposite.  them being wrapped so tightly was what allowed me to continue to move forward in my life.  w/o having emotions/feelings, i was able to endure everything, except for the times when i didn't think i could, and that's when the gray lady would show up and take over.  it feels like all of them were protecting me so i could survive and stay sane.

maybe i'm wrong and i just can't see the picture you're presenting.  i do need more time w/ this, tho, i can tell just from this conversation.  this concept is so new to me yet, and still quite distressing on so many levels.  but thank you so much for putting forth this idea.  it gives me another perspective to think about, see how it feels. 

hannah1, thank you.  the fact is that i have had to trust myself all along the way.  it's this idea of having little me's to nurture, take care of that is so distressing, and seems out of my reach.  i will trust myself, tho, to let this play out, and i'll find a way to deal with it as it does.  so, thank you for that.

i've heard a lot of people here talk about how they're beginning to feel more like their whole selves.  i'm feeling quite fragmented at the moment, being torn out of what i thought was my whole self.  it was hard enough when i began getting access to some of my emotions/feelings, especially the pain and hurt and fear that i'd never known before, at least not consciously.  but this new concept is pulling the rug out from under me and i haven't landed yet. it's very frightening to me and i want to run.

[HannahOne]

Hey SanMagic. When I read your post I feel concerned. I feel like you shouldn't have to push yourself to something that doesn't work for you.

I wanted to share that parts language is mainly a way to talk about feelings, to defuse from them, and it's non-pathologizing so it can allow for more self compassion. but if it's making you feel fragmented, that may not be right for you.

To explain a bit, I personally think that all humans have parts, ie feeling states, because our brain is made of parts, that evolved over time. We have "reptilian" brain, and over that we have a layer of "mammalian brain, divided into right and left hemispwehere, and we have a prefrontal cortex... those are "parts" of us that process information differently or activate different feeling states, different schemas, different ways of being. Many people naturally integrate these parts as they grow and easily move between roles as friend, worker, lover, parent, and not very often enter fight/fight or freeze, never dissociate. With developmental trauma sometimes these parts don't integrate or interact as smoothly and remain compartmentalized to manage the traumatic material, or to continue to survive we need to go into different states or modes (fight, flight, freeze, submit). Or dissociate. With more rigid walls between states or styles of interacting and experiencing, dissociation can be more common and there can be more inner conflict.

And, that's just one way of looking at developmental trauma.

If you do feel or are aware of younger you's inside, they are part of you---they ARE you. So YOU are the expert on what they may or may not need, how to relate to them, etc. Don't let anyone tell you how to be yourself. If you aren't aware of younger you's, or you you's don't need what other people's inner children need... trust yourself. You're the only expert on you. It's possible your inner children are just fine!

These are also more or less metaphors.... there is no literal child living in me. And there's only one me. In my case, I experience myself as having several ways of being, several parts, and I very much experience rigid modes of flight, freeze, submit, where eI don't seem to be able to choose what state I am in, the state chooses me. But that's still just a way of conceptualizing "me." And that conceptualization may not be accurate to your insides. You have to map your own insides.

I hope these thoughts are helpful, if they don't apply please ignore.

[NarcKiddo]

The concept of littles is so mind-boggling and there's so many ways of looking at this, San. I think HannahOne is totally correct when she says you are the only expert on you. Something that feels right will appear at some stage as you keep examining the issue. Maybe the littles have been looking after you all this time. It's possible. In every relationship the nurturing needs ebb and flow. I'm glad you're trusting yourself, looking at this from all angles and seeing what works for you and what doesn't seem to fit.

 

[zen_racer]

I don't really know how I feel about the parts either, SanMagic.  I really think the only reason I didn't say no to the 2nd letter I'm supposed to write is because I'm not thinking of it as a younger ZR inside me.  I'm writing a letter about what ZR needed back then, so a younger me in time.

I could maybe get behind the idea that they would represent different aspects of myself.

I also relate a lot to feeling fragmented right now.  I never knew how fragmented I was, how fragmented my memories are, until I found out about cptsd.  I also understand the feeling of having the rug pulled out from underneath you and not landing yet.  But if you'd like a way to reframe that, maybe you're just learning how to fly.

Either way, we're here for you.  Sending love and hugs. 

[TheBigBlue]

 Sending support

[Marcine]

Hi San,
"i'm feeling quite fragmented at the moment, being torn out of what i thought was my whole self.  it was hard enough when i began getting access to some of my emotions/feelings, especially the pain and hurt and fear that i'd never known before, at least not consciously.  but this new concept is pulling the rug out from under me and i haven't landed yet. it's very frightening to me and i want to run."

I relate to feeling a sense of cohesion then fragmentation. I go through a version of this process periodically. The first time, it was so raw and scary and inviting death. Got through it and figured that was that. Ha. Ha.

After a bunch of rounds of shedding, decomposing, and reconstituting it finally occurred to me that this was my way of growing. That the only way I could feel a sense of whole self was by being in this (messy, unpredictable, authentic, personal) process. For me, it isn't linear. And I accept that. And sometimes I can even entertain the idea of welcoming it...

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your heartfelt thoughts and care.  love to you for sharing them with me.

hannah1, i felt mama bear come out for me, and i appreciated that.  thank you so much, and for the explanation as well as the 'permission' to find my own way through all this. 

NK, thank you for you gentle words and reiterating that i'm analyzing all this for myself, for what works for me.

ZR, reframing is one of my very favorite things.  and 'learning to fly' was a beautiful reframe of my carpet-pulling metaphor.  thank you so much.   

Thanks, TBB, for the support and hugs

shedding, decomposing, and reconstituting - that could very well be how i can relate to this, marcine.  thank you for that.

i'm just continuing to be out of sorts, but all these ideas, thoughts, ways of being are very helpful, and i appreciate this feedback so very much.  sdr, on my way to flying?  couldn't do this w/o all the support. but it's a hopeful? feeling that that's where i could end up.

i put the ? after hopeful cuz that's what came to mind, that i was feeling some hope, which is another new feeling for me.  i was reluctant to use the word let alone feel the concept, but, yeah, i've never really felt hopeful before, just had a strong sense of faith that i would be able to deal w/ whatever came down the road.  i guess i didn't actually live in the future very much, cuz i was too busy surviving the present, or figuring out how to make it work for me in the here and now.

so, look at that.  you people gave me hope to add to my collection of new feelings and emotions.  pretty cool. i think.  actually, it feels strange, and i want to delete it, but it was there, so i'll leave it be.