Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, Moondance. That helps.
 

[TheBigBlue]

I agree, commonality ssems: someone is seen, helped, and brought to safety. I don't know if this resonates for you, but when I read it, it didn't feel "weird" at all, it felt like something very deep in you recognizing those moments. Almost like your system responding to something it maybe didn't get enough of, or had to long for. 💛

The Old Bear part especially touched me. The way you describe sitting on the floor, watching in peace, without having to brace for what comes next feels like such a different kind of experience than what Little NK knew growing up. No wonder it would carry meaning.

And I really love how you responded to her, offering one episode a day. That feels so gentle and steady, like creating something safe and predictable now, in a way that wasn't possible before. 🧸

It doesn't feel like something to "figure out" as much as something that already makes sense on a felt level. And you're listening to it beautifully. 💛

[dollyvee]

Hey NK,

I echo what everyone else on here has said and also that if someone is rescued, it means that someone is there for them and cares about them, and that they were there for them when they needed them.

I'm glad you and little NK are building your relationship.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[sanmagic7]

NK, i totally relate to crying when i witness a kindness/caring towards someone.  i do believe it's a sadness or grief related to the idea that i have rarely felt taken care of in my life.  have rarely felt that gentleness, that idea of being seen as someone who is hurting and being given a comforting hug, words of care, or a look of empathetic sadness for me.  this also happens when i see someone being loved in a romantic way.  i really do think it's some form of grieving that i haven't consciously connected to what i'm seeing.

sitting on the floor to watch your show - i always sat on the floor to watch tv when i was a kid, so i related to that from a kid place. 

i think the idea of safety, feeling safe, being safe, is a big one for many of us.  that the artemis mission is back in contact w/ nasa - ok, they made it, they're safe.  i think there's a lot of empathy there, and, again, a sadness w/in us that we didn't have that kind of attention, that kind of concern for our own safety.  sometimes i've been able to connect what i'm seeing and reacting to to something in my past, and then it's gut-crying time, but that feels more like grieving, and it helps release some of the poison i've learned to live w/ for so long.

i can remember watching a movie 'the miracle of marcelino' when i was very young, and crying really hard at the love shown at the end.  of course, i got ridiculed for it, and pretty much stopped crying after that.  there are a lot of tears inside that have never been allowed to come out. 

just my thoughts,  if they don't resonate, please ignore.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Now all of you have made me cry! Thank you for being there for me. It means so much.

    

[Moondance]

  

[sanmagic7]

NK, i'm smiling at the release of those tears.  i hope they were cleansing, at least a little bit.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

 

[HannahOne]

Safety, help, rescue. I know those tears, and I love Old Bear. 

[NarcKiddo]

TW medical issues

Some of you may recall I had pneumonia a couple of years back. Recovery of fitness was not going well. I consulted my GP who told me I had symptoms of lung cancer and he was doing an emergency referral. I didn't think I had cancer. I didn't. I did panic, rather, at being told to my face so baldly that I had cancer symptoms and the whole thing was rather stressful. I then got a private referral to a lung man and was put on a new inhaler.

Fast forward to now and my recovery is still not going well. In fact I have barely improved from where I was 18 months ago. I cannot walk a mile without sitting down twice for a rest and having various micro rests along the way. My fitness habit has not really helped me notice this problem because there are so many micro-adjustments I can make in the gym. And I see I have been making micro adjustments to my daily life. Plus there has always been a reason for a blip in fitness training - a cold or whatever.

However the new inhaler has been causing repeated oral thrush and hoarseness and I finally lost my rag with that. I made a GP appointment but of course it takes weeks before you can see them. So I used the interim time to research fully, and to review my fitness. AI has been very helpful. At which point I realised I needed an inhaler change because of the fitness issues, let along the thrush.

All good. AI has also helped me work out a decent cardiovascular fitness plan that does not make me gas out and over-breathe. I've been doing various bits of trial and error and today was the first really good and satisfying session I have done in months. Good.

Today was the GP appointment and I went along all pleased. Also all breathless (less than a quarter mile walk) but that was good because it demonstrated the need for the new inhaler I was arguing for. And also all hoarse, which I mostly am these days, and which was the reason I made the appointment in the first place.

New inhaler prescribed - 1-0 to NarcKiddo.
New inhaler not put on repeat prescription so I have to go back to the surgery to deal with this. 1-1 NarcKiddo:GP.
Hoarseness a major matter of concern to the GP who asked to refer me to ENT department of the hospital for review. 1-2 to the GP.

Why 1-2 to the GP? Because it was a different GP. He did not diagnose throat cancer to my face. He mumbled about a 2 week referral and did not mention the c word at all. I knew fine well what a 2 week referral is and just did not have the energy (or the voice) to discuss it further. I'd rather be checked than not. But when I got home and reviewed the appointment on my medical records it contained all manner of confirmations that he had explained the 2 week pathway, that he had explained the risk of cancer and that he had counselled me about it. Lies. Tomorrow I shall receive a wad of letters from the surgery telling me all about the cancer referral and assuring me that over 90% of referrals do not end up being cancer. I don't expect this will.

Why are doctors so hopeless around this issue? I've got from being told to my face I have it, to a doctor who will not even say the word to my face and give me a chance to ask for reassurance from him if I want to. I had no opportunity to suggest that maybe the inhaler change would help the hoarseness and ask if maybe we should give it a chance before jumping to a cancer pathway. In reality I know from our health system guidelines that he would have had to veto that suggestion, and I would have gone along with advice to get it checked now. Because who wants delay if there really is cancer?

I'm not nearly as upset by the whole thing as I was first time around, but I am a bit upset and I am annoyed. And my nice, ordered plans for the next few weeks are going to be up-ended with hospital visits. Sigh.

I'm going to march down to the surgery (slowly, so as to be able to breathe when I get there  ) and then argue with them and then I'm going to come home and watch Old Bear.

[NarcKiddo]

And I've just realised something.

I slept badly last night and I had a dream about this doctor appointment today. I'd gone to see the doctor, who was not the one I usually see, and was not anyone I know. One of those dream characters. Thankfully not Mr Trump in his robes...

Anyway, I was in his weird old-fashioned surgery and I had with me the sheaf of papers I took with me today. The doctor asked me what I was there for, so I told him I wanted a new inhaler, and why. And then he started taking throat swabs and testing them. He wouldn't tell me why. In the dream he refused to change my inhaler. I was arguing with him and explaining why I needed it and what was going wrong with my fitness. And then he just said he was sending me to hospital. Right now. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. I was getting furious with him and demanding an explanation of why he would not give me the inhaler, and, more urgently, why he was sending me to hospital. But he wouldn't tell me. Just treated me like a hysterical woman and picked up his phone to get someone to take me away.

What a premonition! 

[HannahOne]

I've been reading along, NarcKiddo. Doctors and hospitals can be very frustrating. There are also some good ones out there. But sometimes the process is so confusing, or bumpy. I am sorry! Having one's schedule upended is so frustrating too. And then the scanxiety and waiting, knowing it's probably not so serious, but it could be, but maybe it isn't.....Sigh. I hope Old Bear is comforting!

[Moondance]

Hi NarcKiddo,

I'm so sorry you have to go though this. 

Im sorry you have to endure the doctors, GPS, specialists, minimizing attitude, treating you disrespectfully and last but not least as if you are just a shell of a person - they don't see or want to see the person. 

I can so relate and perhaps I am projecting (sorry) in my response. I do not have a healthy view of them. 

I sure hope this gets sorted for you - that you are able to find a good doctor(s), get the correct puffer with refills and sort out whether it is cancer or not.  That would be so unsettling to not know.

Through all of it though you keep pushing forward, you stomp to get answers (I can relate to a slow stomp). I have to say, even though it's not an easy thing to keep going forward that I admire the fight in you to advocate for yourself.

 

[sanmagic7]

I admire the fight in you to advocate for yourself.

yep yep yep, NK.  i've had many rounds w/ doctors and other 'helpers' who have treated me like i don't count cuz i know nothing cuz i'm not a doc.  soooo frustrating!  i'm not surprised about your dream, but i hope it's not your reality going forward.  can only hope you get what you need and can go on w/ life but w/o worries about your health.  this 'maybe/maybe not' crapola is so draining.  love and hugs