Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[StartingHealing]

 

[Dark.art.girl]

Papa Coco,

No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.

I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.

Sending love & safety your way.

[Papa Coco]

Dark.Art.Girl,

That was a profound comment: When you're feeling well mentally, you try to control other aspects and get scared or agitated.

I'm going to ponder this one for a while. Good food for thought

Also, I just figured out a few minutes ago, that empowerment is a fear-buster. I've been in situations where to help someone else, I needed to go into the worst parts of town unarmed. During those times, I wasn't even remotely afraid. I was one of the helpers. I felt empowered. The more empowered I feel, the less fear i carry. I guess that makes sense, right? Empowerment is the opposite of afraid.

As I age, I lose more and more feeling of empowerment, so therefore, the fear grows in the spaces where the empowerment vacates.

Food for thought.

Thanks for the love from you, and also from StartingHealing.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens.  we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore.  as someone once said, growing older is not for  . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be.  it's tough stuff, for sure.

driving has been a rough one for me.  i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen.  that is not my truth anymore.  there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me.  what was is no more in so many ways. 

like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone is this.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

 
San, 

Your comments that I'm not alone in this, and that we're in this together mean a lot. The only passion I have left in life is to feel connected with other souls who I resonate with. And I resonate with your post big time.

Driving was my passion too until recent years. I've done a lot of cross-country road trips. It used to be relaxing to just take a drive when stress was bothering me. As a teen I even wanted to be a long haul truck driver so I could drive for a living, (and also, I had romanticized the life of living on the road, as many people did back in the 1970s). But fear has taken that joy of mine away also. I plan my entire life around traffic lulls now because I hate being in traffic so bad. Traffic ignites my Fight/Flight response really bad. I hate feeling trapped. And I'm fearful of all the things that can go wrong while driving: Mechanical issues, road rage, accidents, road closures, etc.

I have learned, over the last couple of years, that a traumatic childhood can lead to a glass-half-empty mindset for life. We, CPTSD sufferers can have a strong lean toward always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know how bad things can get, so we can't forget that.

Again: the gray area for me is I'm still trying to find the line between natural fears associated with natural aging, versus Trauma fears that come from a difficult past.