Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)

[AphoticAtramentous]

This so called friend of mine has actually been guilt tripping me for months. For whatever reason I wasn't able to notice it at the time, would feel the emotional flashback but not know where it was coming from. Only now have I realised what he's been doing, and it makes me feel a lot better about wanting to withdraw from him.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

Good for you Aphotic! Great self-protection

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you, Blueberry!
Today I also realised that I can tell I can potentially identify an ongoing EF based on the tightness and pain in my jaw. When I lived with my FOO, my muscles were always so tense that I developed TMJD (temporomandibular joint disorder) which physically locked my jaw/mouth from being able to open any more than a centimetre. Thankfully I don't deal with such dysfunction currently, but any jaw tightness serves as a good reminder to ground myself and try to loosen up a little - lest I get TMJD again!
Perfect example of "The Body Keeps the Score" I suppose?

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Mathilde]

...I have so many good things in my life.

My kid is a sweetie. My ex and his daughter are loving and loyal. My friends, colleagues, church people and neighbours are genuine and kind. My volunteer job is the most happy-making I have ever had. I have a house, food, health insurance, a disability subsidy I can live of, a city that is reasonably safe.

In all my social connections I dare be me. And know people who are real. 

My family hates me. Or maybe they project things on me they hate. They don't even know who I am. But I guess I can't force them to love me. Or even to see who I really am.

[Blueberry]

Today I realised once again how much better off I am with never being in the presence of FOO members! Even though I get down on myself for my lack of posttraumatic growth and think how especially FOO is laughing up their sleeves at me for being as "difficult" and as "unwell" as always, or maybe they're complaining about BB the family burden, but no matter what they think and what ICr says about my current state, I know I made the right decision with my VVVLC, so NO, I shouldn't just jolly well have put up with all the gaslighting and remained in contact.

Obvious of course. But today feeling it at a deeper level.

[Gently]

...my body knows much more than my brain does about my M.

Earlier in the week, made plans to, with my husband, take M to do a necessary personal business task at the bank on Saturday (today). Friday (yesterday) had an uncharacteristically brutal day of intensely painful emotions. I rode the waves, managed to not succumb to despair, but it was reeeeeally hard. This experience caused me to decide that I did not have the strength to also be exposed to M the next day, and my husband was willing to do the errand without me. All this time, my brain had been telling me the errand would be simple and straightforward and "fine".

Hubby did the errand without me, and upon returning told me a saga of predictably problematic and distressing (to me) behaviours from M. Hubby is immune to her tactics. It's a superpower.

My body knows.

Thank you, body. I hope brain learns soon so you don't have to go to such drastic measures to get our attention.