What does it look like or feel like to put yourself "first"

[pisces4eva]

Good morning!

I'm wondering if anyone had some thoughts to share on ways your routine shifted as you realized recovery.

I recently switched therapists to someone who works with trauma response.

All the self care steps I had been making sort of went out the window this summer.

Specifically, I had made a lot of progress on not drinking at home or in front of my kids and keeping alcohol to a celebratory thing rather than an every day thing.

Over the past two years, I had some periods where I was both exercising and not drinking!

The realization that I developed C-PTSD in my childhood threw me for such a loop. 

My pattern is to work to serve my state (state employee) and serve my family and then to leave myself feeling tired, crappy, and resentful.  I then seem to have good reason that I haven't exercised.  It feels short term good to have a beer or two.  I'm not getting drunk in a way that would cause damage to others, I'm just allowing the substance to soothe me.

Over the summer I had a condition causing a lot of pain, and this realization about the C-PTSD. My therapist of 15 years I'm transitioning away from (she was retiring in 1.5 years anyway) and working with someone new, to do EMDR, etc.

I absolutely used it as an excuse to hang onto my substances and let them soothe me as I kept my life together even as I felt like I was falling apart inside.

I think I am wanting some grieving or soothing because this is always the case= me holding it together for work/family etc.

Did you experience any useful shifts in your thinking that helped you truly find a move forward to "putting on your own mask first" as they say on the airplane?

I'm new at this and wonder how to put myself first.

I have a few days away from family.  I can get an hour of walking in today.  I'm committing to not drinking today. 

I feel like it's a good chance for a reset but the important thing is saying it's not punitive, it's for me, for me to feel better!

Tips please experience please advice welcome 

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes we're gung-ho about the next step; then the next step seems to recede further into just a distant mirage. We can't believe we're really good enough, that really venturing forth is only another dream, and we don't deserve the full ride to the new life. Those old stories of unworthiness are hard to eradicate.

So I feel that the key might be self-acceptance, as in accepting ALL of what you've been through, but also realizing that you're not just capable, but presently on the new path, even if you can't discern a grand reason for your change. Sometimes it just flows. Over-thinking it all can also keep us tethered to the old story, forever waiting for the magic leap forward. That might indeed show up, but probably not on a grand explosive moment; but the self-acceptance might help more than it seems it should, as we're not used to that.

These are only thoughts that floated through as I read your post. None of this construes actual advice, but is just a gut reaction which I hope can find some resonance with your freah outlook into the new space which has opened for you (and which you have created).

[Armee]

I'm not perfect quite quite far from it in terms of self care. But I recall having a shift in my thinking a few months ago. I had been reading a book about recovering from SA and the author talked about needing to prioritize the big 3 of eating healthy, exercising, and sleeping. I couldn't count how often I've heard these things but for some reason the way she talked about it broke through. It wasn't "oh you just need to exercise and eat healthy" it was "this is step 1 to heal" it somehow shifted it from feeling like something someone is telling you to do and more to something that you owe yourself toward recovery. And I spend all this energy on therapy and stuff but had not prioritized those things. Once I saw them not as a magic bullet but as a building block it became a little less offensive feeling. I don't know if that is remotely helpful but slowly I've been adding more exercise in and slightly cutting back on alcohol. Sleep required processing the traumas.

[NarcKiddo]

I had an epiphany when I discovered how good exercise makes me feel. This led to my wanting to eat healthily, get enough sleep etc. These things have become non-negotiable habits, just like brushing my teeth. Of course there are temptations and that is where habit trumps motivation every single time. And sometimes I will have a lapse of something.

For me the key is not to treat a lapse as a sign of failure. That leads to the thought that there is no point in carrying on because I will only keep failing. If I, for example, have a binge of wine one evening I will just carry on with the plan the next day. I will try not to punish myself by eating fewer calories to "make up" for the extra empty calories I consumed with the wine. I will try to accept that mistakes happen. It's not always easy to forgive ourselves when we trip up. I think that is probably because we never got taught to deal with mistakes in a healthy way.

Another thing I find helpful is to try to find healthy things that I can regard as treats. So if I am feeling a bit down, rather than reaching for the wine or chocolate I will try to make myself a nice flavoured coffee, or a bowl of delicious fruit salad. I keep ice cream in the freezer for times when nothing but a sweet treat will do, but mini tubs of a really high quality product rather than a huge vat of generic rubbish. I've found some reduced alcohol drinks that I enjoy, and for the times when I really do want a drink I crack open an expensive bottle of wine and savour it.

The big enemy to our progress, I think, is not giving in to the occasional craving. It is going onto autopilot and mindlessly guzzling a load of rubbish out of habit. Or not exercising but then frittering the time away rather than doing something meaningful with the time saved.

[pisces4eva]

Over-thinking it all can also keep us tethered to the old story, forever waiting for the magic leap forward.

your fresh outlook into the new space which has opened for you (and which you have created).

Woodsgnome thank you! I'm overthinking, trying to get it right (perfectionism) and acting like there's a timetable. Thank you for your insights. Self acceptance is the only non negotiable.

[pisces4eva]

I couldn't count how often I've heard these things but for some reason the way she talked about it broke through. It wasn't "oh you just need to exercise and eat healthy" it was "this is step 1 to heal" it somehow shifted it from feeling like something someone is telling you to do and more to something that you owe yourself toward recovery. And I spend all this energy on therapy and stuff but had not prioritized those things. Once I saw them not as a magic bullet but as a building block...

Oh! I am able to see that perspective and it's non-punitive! Thank you!

[pisces4eva]

I had an epiphany when I discovered how good exercise makes me feel. This led to my wanting to eat healthily, get enough sleep etc. These things have become non-negotiable habits, just like brushing my teeth. Of course there are temptations and that is where habit trumps motivation every single time. And sometimes I will have a lapse of something.

For me the key is not to treat a lapse as a sign of failure. That leads to the thought that there is no point in carrying on because I will only keep failing. If I, for example, have a binge of wine one evening I will just carry on with the plan the next day. I will try not to punish myself by eating fewer calories to "make up" for the extra empty calories I consumed with the wine. I will try to accept that mistakes happen. It's not always easy to forgive ourselves when we trip up. I think that is probably because we never got taught to deal with mistakes in a healthy way.

Another thing I find helpful is to try to find healthy things that I can regard as treats.

This is so refreshing and is exactly what I learned so long ago when dealing with my own compulsive eating especially the "carry on and don't punish through deprivation".

I love your healthy treats.

I have toned it down over the years.

When I get on a good roll I love exercise, feeling great, and especially the shame free mornings when I'm on a roll of self care.

I also know that every time I've been down or lacking motivation it comes back again eventually if I don't rush it and get impatient.

Thanks this has been wonderfully helpful I appreciate you all with a nod or a smile or a hug