Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Possible Trigger Warning: Positive affirmations making people cry, and referencing what may have been physical abuse of a child.

I know I'm spamming my own journal today, but it's been a rough day.  I think the reality of what I wrote in the letter to my FOO didn't even start to sink in until this morning.  When I wrote it, I was definitely feeling ... tension.  Maybe anguish.  But also an eerie calm.  After I wrote it, that tension stayed and there was no relief.  Today I've read through it a couple times, and cried more each time I read it.

That tension felt worse.  There was still no relief.  I ended up texting with an old friend I've known for a long time from before my move back to where I am now.  We had both known something was up with me back then, but I couldn't afford a therapist then and never tried to find one, let alone had any clue what it was that was wrong with me.  I opened up to him about seeing a therapist now, and we talked about what I'm dealing with and some of the memories I've started having.  He was very supportive and related his own experiences with doing therapy.  He thanked me for trusting him enough to be this open.  I did feel better after that, but that tension was still there to some degree.

I started looking through Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and  saw the section in the table of contents titled Parentdectomy and Relational Healing in Chapter 3.  What was said in there hit home so hard about clients still being over controlled by their traumatizing parents, both externally and internally, often with very little contact needed.

The section in that chapter on self mothering was brutal.  I think it is perhaps an exact roadmap to why my brother treated me so badly, and highlighted the differences between us.

"Once again, psychological health is based on having about two years of this no questions
asked entitlement to unconditional love. It is the normal healthy narcissism that Freud described
as "His Majesty the Baby"
.
Serious problems accrue however when the toddler does not begin to learn that there are
limits to his original entitlement. If there are no limits for too long, then the journey toward adult
narcissism begins. On the other hand, if there are too many limits too soon, the matrix of trauma
begins to form."

I continued reading through the section on Inner Child Work, and go to the list of Reparenting Affirmations.  I figured it couldn't hurt to try something, so I found some bilateral emdr music on youtube (one I'd seen recommended), laid down comfortably, and started saying some of these affirmations to myself internally.  I was just going off clouded memory, so some I got right, some I got the intent right, and some I made my own.

"I'm so glad you were born." - First one, and I started crying.

"I choose you." - I started crying more.

"I'm trying my best to learn how to protect both of us, and I'm not going to abandon you." - Crying even more.  I didn't feel connected like I did before, but I also didn't feel alone either.

"You can come to me whenever you're feeling hurt.  I will always choose you." - I didn't start crying harder, but my left arm started hurting.  My forearm specifically.  It hurt like I had been holding it up in front of me to block getting hit.  At first I started rubbing my arm like I do now, like I was trying to massage a muscle that was acting up.  It didn't help.  I decided to try acting like it was a child that had been getting hit, and started lightly rubbing my fingertips over the area very gently and soothing.

"I'm so sorry, you should've never been treated that way.  I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you, and I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to realize that I can help us both." - That pain would go away, but shift to another spot on my arm.  It moved like that 4 different times.  One of them was a lot worse than the others.

I said a few more things to myself, I think I repeated some of them.  Eventually the sun had shifted to land right on me through the window, and the music stopped.  I'm still not entirely certain what happened, at least with the pain in my arm.  Most of that tension seems gone now.  Whatever it is that happened, I'm going to take that section of the book at face value, and really work on having unconditional self compassion.

Editing to add: I've asked some questions of a search engine AI.  I did not realize I was essentially doing actual emdr, or somatic, or hybrid of both kind of "session".  I just thought it was worth adding for anyone reading that I do not feel like I retraumatized myself at all.  I do recognize that I may have gotten lucky, and I will definitely relate this to my therapist and start asking questions about therapy moving forward, and finding out what is safe for me to do alone .vs being guided.

[TheBigBlue]

Good for you, choosing yourself 

I think that's a really important distinction:
Being excluded as punishment and manipulation is very different from creating distance to protect yourself. From the outside those actions may look similar, but the intention behind them is completely different.

And I relate to how hard this is. My therapist has pointed out that choosing yourself and setting boundaries shouldn't create this much havoc. The fact that it does is often evidence that something was wrong long before the boundary was set. It makes perfect logical sense to me—and yet emotionally I still find it difficult too.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi ZR,

My previous post was actually in response to your post before the last one — sorry, they ended up on different pages.

Now I've read your most recent post, and that one hit me too.

My sister was the golden child of my NF, and she developed narcissistic traits. We are low contact now.

A fellow survivor who also grew up with a golden-child sibling recently said something that stayed with me: "I'm thankful in the oddest way possible that I wasn't the golden child, because I 'only' developed CPTSD."

As strange as that sounds, I think I understand what was meant. Complex trauma has caused a lot of suffering, but at least I can reflect, be aware of how my actions affect other people, have empathy, and the ability to grow.

And reading about your experience today, what stood out to me was how much compassion you are beginning to direct toward yourself. Those affirmations seem to have reached a place that logic alone couldn't reach before. 💛

The crying, the arm pain, the tension lifting afterward — I obviously can't explain exactly what happened, but it sounds like something important shifted. Not intellectually. Experientially.

I'm really glad you told your friend, too. Sometimes being witnessed by safe people matters more than we realize.



P.S. reading your affirmations made me cry too!

[zen_racer]

Thank you, TBB.  Your responses are always so well thought out, and the care you show towards me and others really shines through.  I do understand what you and the fellow survivor mean by only having cptsd.  I think my brother suffers from it as well, but is also a N.  I also know it would be pointless for me to try to convince him of anything, and he would just get abusive from me trying.

Those affirmations did reach somewhere that logic alone couldn't.  I had been experimenting with listening to bilateral or emdr music to try the calming effect, and it hasn't really worked that well for calming for me.   I was figuring that maybe it just didn't have an effect on me, but figured it couldn't hurt putting that on while doing the mental imagery of addressing the inner child while doing the affirmations.  Apparently, the combination was like doing guided somatic, emdr, or hybrid kind of processing, in which real pain surfacing is normal, and was likely an experience I went through trapped as sensations rather than as a real memory.  It's also apparently dangerous to do that alone.  I haven't been through a real emdr session yet, so I'm going to bring that up with my therapist to see when he wants to start processing like that, and also see what he has to say about that experience.

I'm sorry that those affirmations made you cry too.  Don't worry, I'm not upset about it.  The way you said that makes me think it wasn't a bad cry.  I did add a trigger warning though.

Thank you for being so supportive. 

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds like you made a real connection with the inner child. I think it's good that you have made a full record of what happened and what you did about it.

Of course you must be guided by your therapist as to what is safe and what might risk re-traumatising you. My impression from your post is that adult ZR was present at all times, so although the emotions were bubbling up from a younger place you were not fully re-living them. I'm interested in the effect the music had when coupled with the affirmations. I guess you could do the affirmations again but with some soothing music that is not directly EMDR focused until you've been able to discuss with your T.

[TheBigBlue]

I'm sorry that those affirmations made you cry too.  Don't worry, I'm not upset about it.  The way you said that makes me think it wasn't a bad cry.  I did add a trigger warning though.

Ups, sorry, I should have been more clear about this: there was no TW necessary, and as you said, it was a good cry. In fact, I screenshotted your affirmations and will revisit them!

[zen_racer]

It sounds like you made a real connection with the inner child. I think it's good that you have made a full record of what happened and what you did about it.

Of course you must be guided by your therapist as to what is safe and what might risk re-traumatising you. My impression from your post is that adult ZR was present at all times, so although the emotions were bubbling up from a younger place you were not fully re-living them. I'm interested in the effect the music had when coupled with the affirmations. I guess you could do the affirmations again but with some soothing music that is not directly EMDR focused until you've been able to discuss with your T.

Thank you, NK.  Adult ZR was fully present. I didn't even have full memories, and at first was rather confused by the pain. I still haven't fully remembered any incident, but got impressions about it. If those impressions were true, then it was likely my brother doing it, and it would've been from when I was really young. It did cause me to remember times when my brother would beat me, and also threaten me to not say anything from before I was 5.

I think the self soothing and compassion did help. And I hope I'm starting to build a healthy bridge with Little ZR.

[Hope67]

Glad that you're starting to build a healthy bridge with Little ZR. 

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you Hope.  I certainly aspire to build a healthier bond with Little ZR, and myself, by starting to treat us both how I have deserved to be treated all these years.

I am going to spend a little time tonight with the affirmations after laying down.  I think I may take NK's suggestion and just use calming music so I don't accidentally trigger whatever that was again.  It was definitely not a negative experience, but I also don't know what I'm doing with EMDR or somatic things.

************

I thought it was worth tracking other progress.  I was actually really bad last week at other self care.  I did not drink water, and was working in a very hot environment for 2 days.  My last day of work last week, I was so dehydrated that I was having issues driving home because my legs were cramping.  I spent all weekend drinking a lot of extra water.  I've been doing a little exercise and trying to maintain/gain weight.  I'm still losing weight though.  I don't know if it's the exercise, the eating more protein and veggies, or the higher levels of stress recently.  I'm down about 11 pounds from where I should be.  It's possible that my metabolism has just been speeding up again from recovering from the gallbladder and deficiencies.  It's disheartening though.  I thought I'd gotten old enough that I wouldn't have any more problems from my hyper metabolism anymore.  I haven't had issues keeping weight on, other than being sick, for the last 15 years or so. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're struggling with maintaining weight. I find personally that high stress tends to use more calories, though I also have a tendency to reach for the pastries when stressed so weight loss isn't an issue for me. I wonder if one of those water bottles with hourly markers on would be helpful for you to keep an eye on your fluid intake at work? Maybe with some electrolytes in? Being dehydrated to the point of cramping often points to a need for more than just plain water.