Stated what I don't want

[Blueberry]

Today I told an acquaintance (previous friend) that I don't want her to do a particular thing with my FOO and that I'm therefore not giving her any more information on it. She was   

I'm sticking to my needs however. This is the really big progress - that I made my statement clearly and precisely, shut her attempt at discussion down. Said "you just have to accept it" and with a shrug: "I changed my mind". I don't think I've ever been so succinct before and so less JADE-ing. And so non-chalant, so calm but firm in my voice. I know this is something that develops within me, it's not something I can repeat to myself standing in front of the mirror. That might help somebody else but not me.

Anyway     

[HannahOne]

Wow, I was so thrilled to read how you set a boundary with your friend, calm, firm, nonchalant. You realized you had some power in the situation and could just stop giving her information about it.

 With horses I was told "clarity is kindness," and it really is, it's kinder to just be clear and direct, matter of fact. I'm so happy for you that this clarity developed within you and you were able to access it in the moment. Hooray!!!        

[NarcKiddo]

That's great, BB! 

[zen_racer]

That is an amazing step.  I struggle a lot with setting boundaries.

[Kizzie]

That can be a tough thing to do BB so yahoo to you! 

[TheBigBlue]

  

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your  and general encouragement

Setting boundaries is hard, but bit by bit with forward steps and then going backwards again seems to be the name of the game for me. It's partly practice and partly I think emotional healing going on in the subconscious somewhere. Plus I wrote about the case on another forum, not even a trauma forum, totally different topic, but the forum members care about and encourage each other. There are some people on that forum who have mentioned they have ptsd or anxiety or chronic exhaustion or similar.
They won't tend to say so-and-so acquaintance / family member is a narc, instead they said in my case that this woman doesn't sound like a friend at all, that a friend wouldn't treat me like this, always 'knowing better' etc etc. I wrote about this case of mine on that other forum shortly before I had the opportunity to speak to this person directly. Having done so was really helpful. That gave me the last bit of clarity and strength to state that I didn't want them to do this particular thing after all.

zen_racer, I'm sure it will get easier for you too! It has taken me years to get to this point, but it could be quicker in your case. Here's hoping. My previous trauma T (been retired for a few years now) used to say that the important thing for me was to stand my ground, argue back, say 'No', refuse etc etc. And it didn't matter how (within reason, obviously resorting to physical violence would not be okay and there are certain situations where swearing might not be the best) including getting loud, which seems necessary towards some people, like my business neighbour in the building where I used to live and work. So, yeah, the important thing was to stand my ground and at some point he predicted it would get easier, people would start paying more attention to me. I've been told this is definitely a boundaries issue, because some? many? people can sense that you have no or next to no boundaries and they play that to their own advantage. Even people you get on okay with, are friendly with. I remember a good few years ago at a board games afternoon, I planted my rucksack on my chair, announced I would be sitting there, and crossed the room to get my tea. During this time, somebody else moved my rucksack and took my seat. I got annoyed and a little loud, not really loud, but definitely audible, and she moved to another seat at the same table, so 5 minutes later we were even playing the same game with no bad feelings. This is where my T said, yes, even people you're friendly with may try things on. If you indicate "No" in whatever form and they continue, that's a problem. If they accept your boundary and don't keep pushing it, that's fairly normal human behaviour, not pathological or anything. Just for interest's sake for anybody, I don't want to turn this thread into a discussion of that.

Then every time I manage to state a boundary, even if retroactively, that seems to strengthen me and make it a little easier next time.

With horses I was told "clarity is kindness," and it really is, it's kinder to just be clear and direct, matter of fact.

Correct. In my head and feelings I'm still dealing with the fallout from when a 'friend' of mine and her husband were not clear and direct. In fact, particularly she lied. Lots of white lies, I realised after the fact that's her go-to method. And then I was supposed to be able to read her mind apparently, tho she was telling me about the opposite of what she felt. Cue major falling out. So yes, being clear is a kindness. I mean you can be kind but clear and direct. You don't necessarily have to give someone a 10-minute lecture on why they are the most flawed character on earth, but you can just say "No".
Also when people are particularly unclear in their emotions and I sense that words are saying something different from emotions, I tend to go into Freeze or other shut-down (reminds me too much of FOO), which isn't helpful for me or the other person mostly.