Hopelessness

[Black cat]

I struggle with my self esteem since childhood. I always had this feeling that I'm not like others, and not because I'm better but because I feel "wrong" in this life.
I feel like no one really loves me but not because they are bad, but because I'm not a person who can be loved deeply. I'm just someone temporary, who has no particular value.
Today I had a meltdown because for a short period of time I genuinely thought I could be important for someone but reality hit me again.
I feel more and more alone, and no matter how good of a friend I am, or how good of a person I am, nothing will change that.
I always thought that my life was ruined by my trauma, that my personality was "ruined" by it but maybe I'm just not meant to live this life like everybody else. Maybe I have to accept that I'm no one and that that void I have inside me isn't going to be filled.
I feel hurt when I have certain thoughts because I develoved a fragmented part of self, so I see "little me" as a different person from "the me now". It's like wasting the life she would have if nothing ever happened, but lately I'm feeling tired, even though I have the feeling I'm disappointing my younger self.
I really don't know how to handle it other than venting from time to time. I only know that i feel stuck in life and I feel alone

[sanmagic7]

hey, black cat, believe it or not, just by posting here you have shown yourself to be important.  those are not just words, but a belief born from experience with this forum.  i can't tell you how many times i have gained information, validation, support, and the feeling of being just a little less alone when i've read others' posts.  today i read yours, and i can definitely say you helped me see a lot of the past me in what you wrote.  the feeling of not belonging here, not belonging anywhere, that i'm not like others, or that i feel wrong in this life.

i've been to those places, and being here, a part of this forum has really helped me not feel those types of things so deeply or so often.  not to say all the bad feelings suddenly, magically, disappeared, but connecting w/ others here, belonging with others here, just like you do, has helped me tremendously to carry on, begin to think and feel differently about myself and my connection to the world.

thank you for your vulnerability.  i'm glad you're here.  sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok with you.

[dollyvee]

Hey BC,

As I've researched my own symptoms/experiences with cptsd, I've come to understand that a lot of us feel this way --that there is something inherently wrong with us. As I understand it, it's coming from very early, preverbal trauma where the infant develops this system of a basic fault in order to preserve the bond with the caregiver. This is/was likely due to environmental failure, illness, or attachment failure (right word?) to the primary caregiver. In It Didn't Start With You, there is a very good chapter on how separation (The Language of Separation) at a young age shapes the infant. I've read Mother Hunger recently, and not sure what your relationship was like with your m, but it covers a lot about grief and grieving the life that you didn't have because of inadequate support and guidance from your mother.

Other things that have helped/are helping me understand my interpersonal relationships is reading about attachment theory and understanding what it's like to be a fearful avoidant with anxious and avoidant tendencies. Heidi Priebe has a lot of good videos on this. 

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time with this rn.

Sending you support,

dolly

[Kizzie]

Hey Black Cat, I am so sorry you feel as you do. SO many of us here have been where you are and it's difficult we know. It truly is very common for members to feel much like you do when they first come here (myself included), but after being here for a while it tends to become clear that those feelings are part of the trauma you experienced and not real or accurate. It's what you and most of us learn from our abuse and our abusers and so it can be unlearned.

I think you'll find that you start to feel a sense of belonging here if you give it some time, and you'll begin to question whether those feelings are accurate or something that came about as a result of being abused.

We've got you