Frustrated trying to find a therapist. Did anyone do CPT?

[birdstatues]

Hello, this is a post about therapists, and my frustration.

I found out that I can do therapy through my insurance.  So I went through all the profiles, the first person I scheduled was very promising, because his profile said "neuro-informed", which is a direction I want to go.  (I want to go in a physical direction, not more talk therapy--more on that later).  Anyway, the therapist cancelled the morning of the session, without even a note, which kind of sent me spiraling. 

(It's already been a tough time because the therapist I was working with for several years completely dismissed CPTSD, even though I 100% experience literally everything on the lists I've seen, and can relate to so many people who make reels and posts, etc.  I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything in my life.  When I sent him the list of CPTSD symptoms, he said, with exasperation, "you can have any diagnosis you want."  This made me really angry, because it seemed sarcastic and defensive.  Why would anybody want this diagnosis? and to imply that seems to me to invalidate every moment of struggle I've endured in all my decades.  Well, I typed into the ai search box, "how can I tell if my therapist is being defensive", and one question led to another, it just opened my eyes to many things in the sessions, and I decided to take a break for summer.

It was very hard coping without leaning on him (to me this seems proof that talk therapy isn't working for me, if I still after so many years, need regular maintenance). 

Well, then I found this insurance opportunity, but the guy cancelled.  Then I had a 2nd appointment today.  This 2nd therapist clicked "CPT" on his profile, but when I asked him about it, he didn't even know what it was.  I asked him what methodology he DOES use for trauma, and he first of all said defensively, I'm a person not a methodolgoy--which seems to me a way to turn whatever shame he felt (for either not knowing about it, or for including it on his site despite not practicing it) back on me, by accusing me of dehumanizing him, only because I wanted to know whether this would be useful to me or not.  I feel it's appropriate to ask.  Then he said, well have you had trauma?  Which in itself isn't an unfair question, but because cptsd is characterized by a lack of entitlement and a lack of belief in the truth of one's trauma--it's not a good question. I said, no I don't think so.  Basically it felt to me in the moment, like he was the gatekeeper of trauma, and I was not entitled to ask for trauma treatment since I hadn't gone through his gate yet. Was a terrible experience, and I'm glad I'm not at the beginning of my quest for knowledge regarding manipulation tactics and their impact on me, I could easily have left feeling powerless.   


Anyway, I scheduled an appointment for next week to try again.  This lady at least spelled out the words "Cognitive Processing Therapy" on her profile, so it seems more likely that she actually practices the protocol. 

Does anyway have experience with CPT? 

I really would rather do a somatic therapy, but can't find anyone on the insurance companie's list, so CPT at least has been shown to be effective.

I've been doing pendiculation exercises and things like that that I find, and it's amazing.  I feel that (and I don't know if this is just me) in talk therapy, someone else "owns" my trauma--someone with an advanced degree in psychology owns it all and has the privelege to diagnose me--I mean, they can say whether I deserve treatment or not.  It bothers me and also, re-traumatizes me to try to explain to a stranger that I have no idea what trauma happened to me, but I feel exactly what these other people feel, and these other people have systems for feeling better, and then I feel like I have to beg for them to consider my "evidence", which only exists in the form of impressions because I don't have the vocabulary to describe what's happening physically (yet). 

When I do a physical exercise, and see what I'm experiencing it in my very own body tissue--right now--it becomes mine again, and it isn't a vague exercise, and "healing" isn't a vague idea.  It's literally a change in your neural structure to release body armor (so far, this is the only type of exercise I've done--releasing body armor).  This is amazingly empowering to me, and I feel the power to heal is literally in my hands.   

I don't know if that resonates with anyone, I think I've said it clumsily. 

[NarcKiddo]

I've not heard of CPT. It sounded like it might be related to CBT. I looked it up and it seems it is indeed a version of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but specifically aimed at trauma. From the very brief AI info I have looked at, CPT seems to be mainly direct at PTSD rather than CPTSD. I suspect it is helpful for PTSD because PTSD tends to have a specific event that started it off and work can be done on teaching the body that the event is over. It may be helpful for CPTSD and I would not discourage anyone from trying something with an open mind if it seems it might be helpful, but if I were going to try it I would keep my expectations fairly low because of the complex, long term and sometimes heavily veiled nature of the trauma that caused the CPTSD. As evidenced by you telling the therapist you have not suffered trauma.

It may be that this lady is helpful in other ways and it could be that you get onto her books by way of the insurance approved CPT but then she tweaks her approach if necessary in the sessions so as to be more specific to you.

I hope someone who has specific experience may see this thread and be able to comment more helpfully.

Good luck. I am really happy that you are having success with your pendiculation exercises.

[Kizzie]

I have no idea what trauma happened to me, but I feel exactly what these other people feel,

Maybe this is the place to start; that is, reading and posting here to slowly try and bring some of the trauma you experienced to the surface. Everybody here has CPTSD due to abuse/neglect so you don't have to convince anyone.

CPT is as Narc Kiddo says a form of cognitive behavioural processing which requires that you can access memories of your trauma. If you can't yet do that then it may not be for you. These approaches can be helpful for changing how you think about certain things, but IMO they don't do much to deal with the deep psychic wounding of trauma.

Also, whatever state, province, or county where you live there may be some therapists who do know about CPTSD and offer therapy virtually. That way it doesn't have to be in the exact location where you are and widens the search area considerably. 

[Nori]

I've been doing pendiculation exercises and things like that that I find, and it's amazing.  I feel that (and I don't know if this is just me) in talk therapy, someone else "owns" my trauma--someone with an advanced degree in psychology owns it all and has the privelege to diagnose me--I mean, they can say whether I deserve treatment or not.  It bothers me and also, re-traumatizes me to try to explain to a stranger that I have no idea what trauma happened to me, but I feel exactly what these other people feel, and these other people have systems for feeling better, and then I feel like I have to beg for them to consider my "evidence", which only exists in the form of impressions because I don't have the vocabulary to describe what's happening physically (yet). 

I also am unsure what CPT is, but I wanted to say that I resonate so much with what you're shared, especially this quoted part. You very beautifully explained something I've felt as it relates to therapy. I've had one therapist over the years that I found helpful, but others not so much and I sense that it was due to what you explained here.

Thank you for sharing. You're not alone. I like to think that one of the parts of healing is to believe that what happened to us matters even if others don't agree.

[birdstatues]

I like to think that one of the parts of healing is to believe that what happened to us matters even if others don't agree.     https://www.cptsd.org/forum/Smileys/classic/cheer.gif