Expecting the worst... unsure of myself

[DeeSchex]

One big issue I have is that because I lack certain self-regulating and self-soothing behaviors I can overreact to small situations. 

This has definitely improved with mindful breathing, releasing trapped anger and fear (rage); CBT/ affirmations; and forming self-nurturing habits like keeping water with me wherever I go, packing snacks to prevent low blood sugar, and using the Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping).

However... sometimes I self-soothe at the expense of feeling legitimate anger and fear.  For instance, some one will say a put down or try to gaslight me.  I self-soothe and then I don't really process what just happened to me and normalize the person's behavior towards me.  I justify that "I was overreacting."  Sure, some people who are legitimately good people gaslight on accident (they're angry and they say "you NEVER do anything nice for people."  Then they clearly identify what they did and apologize later without being prompted... that's a great sign! 

But there are a lot of people who are manipulative and don't respect boundaries...and lack that self-awareness. 

And when they are being abusive or disrespectful for me, I think it's in my best interest to feel my anger in that moment so that I know intuitively to avoid people like this.  The key thing is not acting aggressively or with hostility but still acknowledging the anger and feeling it in the situation...

Has anyone else experienced this situation where you find that there are instances when it is important to learn from your emotions rather than try to soothe them in the moment? 

[keepfighting]

Has anyone else experienced this situation where you find that there are instances when it is important to learn from your emotions rather than try to soothe them in the moment?

Yes yes yes!

Sometimes validating the emotions, acknowledging that they are natural and justified in the circumstances, is the best thing you can do for yourself and your recovery.

One time, when I was between a rock and a hard place, I tried to meditate, to soothe and comfort myself etc etc - tried to use every trick in the book that I had learned through T - nothing worked. Instead, I felt worse and worse and very helpless. When I told my t about it, she said: "KF, you're trying to use it for the wrong purpose. These things are not meant to be used as a flight response." Then she explained to me why exactly they worked against me in the particular circumstances and how they will be working for me again.

It is a process and I'm still at the very beginning. But I think it all starts with daring to acknowledge and validate our feelings - for ourselves and for one another (like on this forum).

But there are a lot of people who are manipulative and don't respect boundaries...and lack that self-awareness. 

And when they are being abusive or disrespectful for me, I think it's in my best interest to feel my anger in that moment so that I know intuitively to avoid people like this.  The key thing is not acting aggressively or with hostility but still acknowledging the anger and feeling it in the situation...

Exactly! These feelings are a red flag to be extra cautious around a person who makes us feel that way.

[schrödinger's cat]

I think so. No, I know so. It was a very big problem in my relationship to my FOO. I used to rationalize everything away. I was so sure that it's just me, I'm just overreacting again, nothing happened, everything's okay and I'm simply just pathologically unable to see that. Basically, I took their point of view, not my own. Is that a good way of putting it? Never be angry. Never be afraid. Everything's fine.

I've recently begun to realize: All that time, I'd often have this small, nagging feeling that something was off. And that was what I should have listened to. It wasn't an overreaction, it was an early warning system. So I'm going to listen to it a lot better in the future.