Letting it all out....early harrowing emotional memories coming back

[holidayay]

This will probably be a very rambly, post - apologies in advance. Just felt I needed somewhere to just purge and let it all out after a few weeks of non-stop cptsd symptoms ravaging my mind whilst i sleep.

I took the day off work today and spent most of it curled up under a fluffy blanket, with TWO hot water bottles for extra comfort. I couldn't hack life today. My dreams have been persistent and non-stop. They've taken on a different turn.
Before they were violent, terrifying and life-threatening.

Now....they are some of my earliest, most painful emotions somehow dredged up. The kinds of emotions that were so painful at a young age, that I'd stop them by fantasising/reading/dissociating. Its like somebody has pressed the unpause button on the trajectory of those emotions and they are now finally free, and out with a vengence, demanding to be seen, heard, told, expressed. They rush through my mind in my sleep all the time. My ongoing therapy may have unlocked them, who knows. I'm trying to embrace it however, as an opportunity to work on and heal from these early woundings. Healing the 'inner child'and all. It hurts, though. So much.
I wake up and try to sit with them. Try to comfort myself and let them ride themselves out instead of distract myself ferociously, or shame myself, or rush myself into thinking of something else.

Some of my earliest memories seem more emotional rather than anything else such as something physical, or visual.

I feel like the first emotional feedback response I ever learnt and was ingrained in me was: you are unworthy, not to be seen, don't matter, an ugly little mutt of a child and don't deserve what other children deserve. They deserve to be sweet, and innocent, and care, and love whilst I did not.
I just somehow firmly believed this.
I remember feeling shame and embarrassment that I was 'thinking i was something special' by wanting to tell the dinner lady aged 5 my preferences for food. My mum used to always jeer and sneer at us kids if we had preferences. The idea that children had any sort of right to humanity was laughable and ridiculous to her.

The shame and emotions are all coming out more and more in my dreams, as I continue with my therapy. I suppose that was to b expected and I was pre-warned. Its jarring, however. it feels like I'm witnessing my own experiences from an adult's point of view and it feels shocking and horrifying. How a child could ever be made to feel as horrible and empty and alienated and invisible as I was.

I get visions in my dreams of the girls in my year group at school playing together after school. I couldn't join them. I didn't know what to do say or how to be acceptable to anybody at this stage in my life, aged may be 8. Being shamed, ridiculed, silenced and mocked was so regular but also so unpredictable: there was no pattern as to what sides of my personality i could show that would invoke such a response so instead it felt all-encompassing. All of me was unacceptable and i dreaded being shamed again and again.

I I had 5 older siblings, most of whom had picked up on my personality disordered's mum's tendencies and joined in on anyone younger than them. Having to contend with them was like having to deal with a pack of hyenas.
Only one of them was loving. He would cuddle me and we would sit and watch tv shows together, or discuss life. He died at a young age, however. Yesterday, he turned up in my dream. He was fresh faced and smiling and i jumped to him to give him the biggest hug.
The nicer flipside to some of the dreams from the past.

[arale]

Hey holidayay, what you wrote resonated in me. I've often wondered, too, why I have to go over and over again some really painful emotions and memories from my childhood, and I think you hit the nail on the head:

it feels like I'm witnessing my own experiences from an adult's point of view and it feels shocking and horrifying. How a child could ever be made to feel as horrible and empty and alienated and invisible as I was.

No adult was there to validate the absolute injustice that we were subjected to. And now, our inner child wants us as adults to acknowledge how shocking and horrifying it really was.

My ongoing therapy may have unlocked them, who knows.

My theory - absolutely untested - is that I am always at the edge of my window of tolerance. As soon as I get better, some room frees up, I grab on to the next thing that needs to be solved / digested. This ensures that I am constantly growing / healing  , but it also ensures that I am constantly uncomfortable  So, if I were in your situation, I would probably interpret it as a sign that the therapy is working 

Hot water bottles, fluffy blankets - absolutely wonderful ways to take good care of yourself on a tough day. 

[Phoebes]

Hi, Holidayay, I really relate to your experiences, too, and your feelings you had in childhood. As well as them coming up and kind of flooding in at times.

This really happened when I first went NC after a series of things my Nm said. I guess I had pushed down a lot of things that happened and the way I was made to feel about myself from day 1. But, at that time, the worst of the worst came flooding into my memory and over time, all of these feelings came up, in real life and in dreams.

I feel like after a long time of it being very draining and hard, it somehow allowed me to move forward. To acknowledge how I felt was legitimate, and to "reparent" myself as they say, making sense of why I've struggled and felt so badly. But also acknowledging that that was so very wrong, and that I am worthy, just like everyone else. I have to keep acknowledging when I'm feeling unworthy and rethink that, correcting myself, that myself with kindness and love.

It's hard. And what I once thought was what I deserved, and what my mom saw in me, was really just cruelty. Her inability to cope. It's unfair we were born into these situations where we didn't have a chance. Like you, I remember struggling to cope in social situations as a young child. I felt very anxious, unworthy and didn't know how to act. It angers me now how utterly cruel this was and how unnecessary.

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed under the warm covers, I lay in the silence and think ahhhh, I'm safe. I'm free. I'm comfortable and no one is going to come in here and shock me out of my skin or bully me. I'm free to relax now.

[saylor]

Holidayay, what you wrote is so sad and reminds me so much of the way I felt as a little girl, too. Especially this part: " The idea that children had any sort of right to humanity was laughable and ridiculous to her."
Oh, yes. You nailed it. We grew up with it drilled into our little heads that we didn't matter, we didn't count, we served at best as a source of amusement (and otherwise as a trigger for rage and exasperation), but never as something to be treasured and cherished.

It's only recently that I've really begun to process the gravity of all that. When I was younger and still in the early process of recognizing that I was abused, I was hyper-focused on the PA that I experienced and the regular terror that came with it, but more recently, I've really begun to examine all the emotional stuff—the demeaning and belittling. That stuff can do SO much damage. I frequently feel I'm suffering more from that than from the PA (not trying to "compare abuses" as it relates to others... just my own experience). Much of what I consider "retraumatization" in my own adult life seems to be around feeling disrespected and rejected by others, and I believe it stems from the relentless devaluing I experienced growing up at the hands of both parents. I believe my F (esp.) hated me so much, he wanted to crush me. Sometimes it feels like he succeeded.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I am so sorry for all of us, on this thread and elsewhere, who have told stories along these lines. It's so tough to build a happy, livable life from this kind of foundation

[holidayay]

This is spot on, and puts into words what I have been unable to for the past few weeks. The bit about room freeing up - sometimes I get so frustrated tasting that, it feels so like so much relief and so easy to feel 'normal' and then poof! its gone again and I feel like I'm starting from step 1 again. But I like the way you put it. It makes sense, that we are integrating ourselves, piece by piece, and for us with CPTSD, there are many, many bits. I look forward to the day when larger and larger chunks are integrated that more room is freed up each time respite occurs.

'My theory - absolutely untested - is that I am always at the edge of my window of tolerance. As soon as I get better, some room frees up, I grab on to the next thing that needs to be solved / digested. This ensures that I am constantly growing / healing  , but it also ensures that I am constantly uncomfortable' 

Hey holidayay, what you wrote resonated in me. I've often wondered, too, why I have to go over and over again some really painful emotions and memories from my childhood, and I think you hit the nail on the head:

it feels like I'm witnessing my own experiences from an adult's point of view and it feels shocking and horrifying. How a child could ever be made to feel as horrible and empty and alienated and invisible as I was.

No adult was there to validate the absolute injustice that we were subjected to. And now, our inner child wants us as adults to acknowledge how shocking and horrifying it really was.

My ongoing therapy may have unlocked them, who knows.

My theory - absolutely untested - is that I am always at the edge of my window of tolerance. As soon as I get better, some room frees up, I grab on to the next thing that needs to be solved / digested. This ensures that I am constantly growing / healing  , but it also ensures that I am constantly uncomfortable  So, if I were in your situation, I would probably interpret it as a sign that the therapy is working 

Hot water bottles, fluffy blankets - absolutely wonderful ways to take good care of yourself on a tough day. 

[holidayay]

It was. Very cruel and utterly unnecessary, I completely agree. I'm sorry you for similar experiences. I'm glad you have the times under your duvet where you feel safe, that made me really happy to read. I, too, feel like that when I've wrapped up warm and snug 

Hi, Holidayay, I really relate to your experiences, too, and your feelings you had in childhood. As well as them coming up and kind of flooding in at times.

This really happened when I first went NC after a series of things my Nm said. I guess I had pushed down a lot of things that happened and the way I was made to feel about myself from day 1. But, at that time, the worst of the worst came flooding into my memory and over time, all of these feelings came up, in real life and in dreams.

I feel like after a long time of it being very draining and hard, it somehow allowed me to move forward. To acknowledge how I felt was legitimate, and to "reparent" myself as they say, making sense of why I've struggled and felt so badly. But also acknowledging that that was so very wrong, and that I am worthy, just like everyone else. I have to keep acknowledging when I'm feeling unworthy and rethink that, correcting myself, that myself with kindness and love.

It's hard. And what I once thought was what I deserved, and what my mom saw in me, was really just cruelty. Her inability to cope. It's unfair we were born into these situations where we didn't have a chance. Like you, I remember struggling to cope in social situations as a young child. I felt very anxious, unworthy and didn't know how to act. It angers me now how utterly cruel this was and how unnecessary.

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed under the warm covers, I lay in the silence and think ahhhh, I'm safe. I'm free. I'm comfortable and no one is going to come in here and shock me out of my skin or bully me. I'm free to relax now.

[holidayay]

So much I resonate with. Its so utterly refreshing (and heartbreaking at the same time) to be understood, although I despise the conditions under which we are able to understand and resonate with one another 

I understand what you mean about the emotional stuff being the toughest to contend with. I feel that, too. The feelings of being disconnected, 'different' somehow, undeserving, not as valid somehow as others. Or, in times of vulnerability/difficult, when the trauma seems to hit the hardest, seeing rejection in minor things. Feeling like I need to be very tough on myself and go over and over in my head what I should do to be accepted.

It does feel so difficult as you say to build a happy, liveable life from this kind of foundation. Its like before we can even start building, we have to undo things first, heal over those parts and then begin re-building. Whilst healthy people seem to just be...building. The base is there. Granted, nobody's life is perfect, everyone has demons they're working on, but rough childhoods like ours.....there is a whole lot of false narratives and belief systems that have been drilled into us and that dictate our lives that first need completely undoing. I'm so very tired and I still have so much to work on 

Holidayay, what you wrote is so sad and reminds me so much of the way I felt as a little girl, too. Especially this part: " The idea that children had any sort of right to humanity was laughable and ridiculous to her."
Oh, yes. You nailed it. We grew up with it drilled into our little heads that we didn't matter, we didn't count, we served at best as a source of amusement (and otherwise as a trigger for rage and exasperation), but never as something to be treasured and cherished.

It's only recently that I've really begun to process the gravity of all that. When I was younger and still in the early process of recognizing that I was abused, I was hyper-focused on the PA that I experienced and the regular terror that came with it, but more recently, I've really begun to examine all the emotional stuff—the demeaning and belittling. That stuff can do SO much damage. I frequently feel I'm suffering more from that than from the PA (not trying to "compare abuses" as it relates to others... just my own experience). Much of what I consider "retraumatization" in my own adult life seems to be around feeling disrespected and rejected by others, and I believe it stems from the relentless devaluing I experienced growing up at the hands of both parents. I believe my F (esp.) hated me so much, he wanted to crush me. Sometimes it feels like he succeeded.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I am so sorry for all of us, on this thread and elsewhere, who have told stories along these lines. It's so tough to build a happy, livable life from this kind of foundation

[EJHMH]

Hey! I'm new here so I'm quite late to the post, but it caught my attention because I've been going through a similar situation, although not so much with dreams, but in the general re-visiting past trauma.

Our childhoods sound a little different, but last year I read through my social services files, and since then I've been unlocking bits of my past that I'd kept hidden from myself and reliving it, but from the adult point of view. My heart breaks for the little girl in those files, and sometimes I try and think how I'd feel if the little girl wasn't me, but a story about another child that someone was telling me, because I still struggle to understand that all that stuff actually happened to me.

I've found it's good to sit with those memories, to give that little girl the kind of care she never got when she needed it, because I still am that little girl too often. To tell her it's okay to feel scared, or sad, or angry, and that her emotions are valid and that it's not her fault, but I also tell her she's going to grow up and achieve what I have achieved. For example, I never ever thought I'd go to uni, and I didn't go until I was 24 and re-discovered something I loved enough to want a career in (which took it's own hard work- I had to revisit my childhood to figure this out). So now I tell the little girl that despite how she feels right now, she goes to uni when she grows up, and anything else I can think of to soothe my inner child and instill a bit of calm and confidence.

Thank you for your post. I don't have many friends, and although I've tried to explain as much as I can about CPTSD (none of them knew much about my upbringing until recently and I've only discovered CPTSD this year), there are certain bits they can't understand, or I can't explain, just yet. Reading your post has made me feel less alone.