afraid i'm sliding back down

[sanmagic7]

all these months of battling these triggers, intrusive thoughts, horribly negative feelings toward others is wearing me down to the point where i'm afraid that my brain is literally changing back to the depression, the bad one, dark one that i once knew and was taking anti-deps for.  haven't had it for a long time.

don't know why i'm writing this, i just felt like i needed to put it someplace.  i don't like feeling scared like this, and my t won't be back for another month.  every day seems like a month, tho. 

this is the third place i've written tonite.  i'm just rambling all over the forum, and that's what my mind feels like.  everything is just rambling around in there, i don't know what to do with or for it.  am hoping writing it out will help, i guess.

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear you are going through this San         

I was feeling the same way and one thing I did was stop watching the news.  I didn't realize just how much it makes me feel like there are no good people in the world, that I don't matter and as though I don't have any power/control in this world.

Now with space and time away from the onslaught I am beginning to feel better. I realize it's like being bombarded by my family of origin's NPD crazy, abusive behaviour. 

It's overwhelming, triggering, heart wrenching and frightening to hear via the news about the cruelty and lack of humanity daily, hourly.  My nervous system and heart just can't withstand it. 

Maybe this is true for you as well?

I just quoted this in another post but thought it might resonate with you as it did for me:

Start by giving yourself credit for what you are already doing. Did you grow up in an abusive family? Are you pouring time and energy into healing so that you can stop the cycle of abuse and interact in more positive ways? Each person who turns away from abusive patterns contributes to the overall health of the world. Your healing ripples out to help everyone you interact with.

May I just say that your wonderful, caring self ripples outward;  to me, to others here at OOTS and I'm certain to those in your life.  You make a positive difference in this world San

[Not Alone]

this is the third place i've written tonite.  i'm just rambling all over the forum, and that's what my mind feels like.  everything is just rambling around in there, i don't know what to do with or for it.  am hoping writing it out will help, i guess.

First, I want to start by giving you a hug. 

As soon as I read this, I pictured my weighted blanket. I'm wondering if "all over" feeling would have a little relief if you were to do some grounding? A weighted blanket, soft blanket &/or stuffed animal, a hot cup of coffee focusing on the senses, a grounding walk, etc. Maybe being distracted by something relatively safe on netflix?

Is there any possibility of seeing the T again that you saw the other day?

Lots of care and love sent to you, San.

[Blueberry]

I can empathise san. I know a fear of spiralling back down into whereever. So I just want to send you  

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your caring and support.

kizzie, i did read your other post and had already decided to go NC w/ the news.  i do believe you're quite right about being bombarded w/ all that negativity, plus i did like the idea of perceiving it as something negative to avoid, like we've had to do w/ people and situations in our lives.  very wise, my dear.  and thank you so for the very sweet words to me about me.  my heart is smiling. 

notalone, i've not heard of a weighted blanket before, but i do walk most every day, and that's always helpful for me.  i also have a plush robe given to me by my d and an 'alice in the garden of talking flowers' throw that i use daily.  i call them my love covers.  they also help.  this stuff i've been going thru has just overwhelmed me by surprise and it's lasted nearly 6 mos. now.  it's just wearing me down.   

sorry blueberry that you know this experience.  it sucks, but i love the hugs.

feeling a bit better today.  seeing that t yesterday just brought it all up again.  i'll be able to see her in 2 weeks, then my regular t 2 weeks after that.  this has just gone on too long and there's too much of it to stay ahead for any length of time.  i'll just keep pushing on.

[Kizzie]

 

[Not Alone]