Reinventing survival tactics / emotional boundaries in recovery

[seasaw_]

Out with the old... in with the new!  So... what's the new, here?

Has anyone else noticed, since starting and being well INTO their recovery, a heightened sensitivity to others' negative mood and tone of voice?  I italicize 'heightened' because in a lot of cases, going NC has brought down my stress and made me more able to let other peoples' stress slide off my back - I know what's theirs is theirs and what's mine is mine... but perhaps that is when I am easily able to remove myself from a situation.

Before going NC with my NPDmom, and before all the lightbulb moments and coming so far in my own self-education and self-care, I had a lot more resistance and defenses in place for dealing with angry, morose, self-centered people.  I felt like absorbing or deflecting a constant barrage of negativity and stress was just part and parcel of being around other people, particularly family because, you know, you can just be yourself around family (i.e. lazier and less accountable for your emotional footprint).  People are stressed, people don't deal well with their stress, people can't be expected to take care of themselves, people aren't responsible for their own emotional health, people aren't responsible for the emotions they put into a room, there aren't ways to take that responsibility, people hoist their negative emotions onto the people around them - these were truths so real that they weren't even examined, they were just the wallpaper and the furniture in the room that you don't even see any more you've been living with them for so long.

Now that I know none of that is true, and can see the lack of health in it, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around people who are aren't taking care of themselves and are letting their lack of emotional health come out in their tone of voice, like toxic fumes in the air everyone else is forced to breathe.  My cousin, specifically - her stress level is very high, I suspect she has rage issues, and it's always boiling just below or at the surface. 

(I'm out of the country right now, one week into a three week visit to my cousin and her two young kids, one of whom is very special needs - here helping her move, basically doing the work of a live-in nanny + mover/organizer, which I don't mind, she needs the help... it's just been a challenge because I've been in a c-ptsd recovery depression haze for about three months so jumping head-on into this has required a lot of mental upkeep and self-care...which my cousin is basically unaware of.)

More than half of what she says is in a high pitched, raised voice, ranging from emphatic to outright screaming, in an angry tone, worded in a way that expresses outraged incredulity at the person's behavior or just the simple state of things - a sort of mocking, criticizing, exasperated tone is the default.  She goes from zero to I'VE EFFING HAD ENOUGH in the space of one sentence.  I truly don't think she's aware that that's what she sounds like, or that she'd give any thought to the effect it might have on anyone else - 'you don't know what my life is like' would be the response. 

It's not that she doesn't have reasons to be stressed, it's that she ... well, sadly, as she opened up to me one night, she just wishes someone would come in and save her from her life.  She has no interest or knowledge in learning about emotional health - the second a suggestion is made, she's stopped listening and is making "But you don't understand" excuses.  She just can't hear it.  I don't think she's got a PD!  I think that life has dealt her a really difficult hand and that she's been a nervous person her whole life to begin with, and her mom wasn't - isn't - the 'tell me how you're feeling' sympathetic listener type, so I think my cousin sort of, simplistically put, feels the need to be loud so that maybe someone will make her feel heard.  She does deal with the demands of her life fairly well on the surface, getting things done, it's just the emotional run-off that is noxious to be around.

This isn't really about her, though - it's about being my being around her all the time (which I have to be, living with her for the next two weeks), and how it is soooo much harder for me.  Used to be, I could handle it with all the old emotional forcefields I've developed since childhood - my cousin is basically a sweet person who means very well, unlike my mother, and has actual real life problems she is having to deal with every day, unlike my mother who fostered her own misery and the misery of others, so comparatively dealing with my cousin was a walk in the park. 

But now I am having a really hard time being around the CONSTANT negativity and anxiety - she doesn't seem to understand that it is not my job to sooth her anxiety - of course I listen and behave in an appropriate sympathetic way, but sometimes I'm not able to be present and her anxiety amps up and up and up when someone isn't there to come to her rescue - I think being around someone who has and can enact boundaries is a whole new thing for her.  I have only been around her for a week and I am finding myself avoiding her in the apartment, and being reluctant to express any emotion around her at all.  Trying to have a conversation with her about 'the way she talks' would not go over well, she's just too hyper-sensitive to criticism (she's doing the best she can!!!) to hear that it's not me judging HER, it's me asking for something I need.

So this is a new stage in my recovery journey.  The old tricks aren't working - I no longer feel comfortable around unhealthy behavior - I need clean air.  I can recognize that her behavior is a result of her stress, her life, her habits and I don't take it personally, so that's good; I am emotionally detached enough that I don't feel like I need her to recognize my feelings because her behavior isn't hurting me, so much as it is making me uncomfortable to be in her presence.  Maybe this is a time when I need to stick up for myself more?  Because I'm living with her for another two weeks and so... I'm gonna be in her presence and that's a long time to be uncomfortable.  But I really don't think saying 'hey can you stop sounding so angry every time you open your mouth' even in a really 'this is about me not you' way will do anyone any good.  Maybe I just need to buckle down grit my teeth make nice get through the two weeks.  :/  This is part of the 'figuring out what's normal and healthy' without a role model bit, I suppose...

She talks that way to her kids all the time too, and it makes me wince.  We teach our kids how to respond to stress and I see how her kids are learning from her and it makes me think of me and my mom... yowee.   

[seasaw_]

Sorry for the novel, thanks for reading if you got all the way through it!   

[VeryFoggy]

Seasaw - Your story spoke volumes to me.  And you are so articulate and able to be mindful. You are able to observe yourself feeling these feelings your cousin provokes inside of you. That's huge!  Really awesome.  What a long way you have come.

I don't have much advice, being on the road of learning myself, but my experience with people like this is that there isn't really anything you can do. They make choices.  Everybody in the world, no matter how rich or how poor, has difficulties and hard things to overcome. But how you choose to do it, is a defining character moment.  Your cousin is totally unaware of your struggles correct?  But you too have faced the adversity of having CPTD head on and have chosen  to handle it with grace. Your cousin has the same choice in her own adversity.

I do disagree that your cousin does not know what she is doing when she goes from 0 to 60 in one sentence.  She is trying to make somebody take on and share the responsibility for her life. She is trying to guilt or manipulate somebody into taking up the slack. And I am sorry if this is offensive but your cousin does not sound like a healthy, or mature  person  who is good for you to be around or have in your life. She's admitted that you, that she wants somebody to take over.  Believe her.

I've lived with somebody like this, a roommate recently and I have no answers.  We parted ways, I said "you're triggering me I can't live like this, it's time for you to find your own place."  I would spend my whole evening coming up with solutions to her problems.  She would spend her whole evening arguing why none of my solutions would work. And I am a positive creative person.  Finally I just had to say to myself about her, "Fine if you want to be unhappy and miserable, then go do it with my blessing.  But not here."

As for your cousin, maybe just set come boundaries with her.  Tell her you understand her life is hard. But outline what you personally are able to do and not able to do and that is all you can do. And that her behavior is making you doubt that you can fulfill what you committed to do for her. The two more weeks. Tell her how you feel when she screams and is angry.  Tell her that you want to help her as best you can, but most of what's wrong?  You can't help with and don't have a solution for.  Suggest counseling for her, or family therapy. Tell her you are not qualified. Tell you nderstand life is tough,  but her behavior is causing you to doubt you can finish the next 2 weeks. Because it is upsetting you to be around it and listen to it.

I don't know. And you don't really have enough time to do what I did, but when I laid down the law with my roommate? She escalated her behavior for about 2 weeks and after I held firm?  She changed.  And started really trying to stop drinking so much around me and went to her room when she wanted to trip out on pills and booze combined.

But rest assured your cousin is trying to manipulate you.  If only to get some relief from the demons in her own head.  Don't accept it.  It is not your responsibility. I know that wasn't very helpful but I am in baby steps myself with recovery.  But I know I must set boundaries and I am equally entitled to the air in the room.

[C.]

In my experience what VF makes, and yes it's normal that these things bother you more now.  In the past they likely did at some point, as a child maybe, but you had to suppress your feelings.  Hence the C-PTSD.  I think that what's bothering you, the irritated tone, yelling, anger would bother any healthy person.

Although you care for your cousin and her children ultimately it's your choice too about prioritizing yourself.  Whatever that looks like under the circumstances.  Maybe you leave her at home to brood and you focus on the children, taking them places, find coffee shop(s) for yourself.  Use the bathroom and it's lock if you can.  Whatever it takes to care for yourself as well in this situation.  Your needs are important too.  And if you've had some positive history maybe appealing to her in that way?  Something like you're having a difficult year and are healing and need time away from the apartment some, some fun outings w/the kids, baths, whatever and see how she responds.  If there's no empathy from her, then you may need to remove yourself of suffer through the experience knowing that you won't do so again.  And if there is some empathy build from there.  Sometimes people don't know our boundaries because we don't state what they are, so maybe give her the opportunity to respond too.  You might already have done so, I don't know.  If she lacks empathy for your situation that says a lot too.  If that's the case you probably didn't notice in the past b/c that was your "normal."

I doubt that she'll change her verbal behavior completely, but maybe a heart to heart about you seeing how stressed and angry she is and encouraging therapy might be what she needs to hear from you.

Posting here for perspectives to get you through the next couple of weeks should help.  You've got support here.  And really from what you describe her behavior is not ok, no healthy.  No excuses.

[Dutch Uncle]

Today I came across an advise (again) that has helped me enormously in the past years to detach me from many toxic relationships I was in. It's still a struggle for me to stay out and/or not to start new ones. So if only for a reminder to myself I post this here, yet I do hope others may find these five tips useful:

How to Deal with Emotional Manipulators

1. Don't negotiate with them. For emotional manipulators, it's all about having, exerting and gaining more power. So they'll always push for more and they'll never compromise.

2. Don't engage with them. Don't try to talk, or reason, or discuss some matter with them - as they'll try to twist your motives, and leave you feeling "bad".

3. Don't confront them. They're quick to take offense and they love an argument. They'll then turn and attack you – and never let things go.

4. Know your own personal buttons. They'll aim to press your buttons to get a strong reaction. But knowing yourself well means you have the upper hand. Plan how to "not react" and to stay detached and calm.

5. Refuse to accept help as they'll treat you like "you owe them". You'll then be in their debt – so it's hard to feel you're free.

For me personally #5 has been key. I think this is what is also called: 'resisting the Hoover'.   


Rather than posting a separate thread I looked for one that seemed fitting.
I hadn't read this thread before, but I think it's worthwhile a resurrection. Thanks, all who started this thread and shared their experiences.   

[Flutterbye]

How To Deal With Emotional Manipulators - What a terrific list! so succinct but there is so much to it. Thank you for posting this DU. Such a helpful reminder.

I do need reminders when meeting new people & trying to build healthy relationships from scratch.

For me #4 is key. One of my major buttons is passive aggression. It so often seems like someone isn't doing anything at all & I'm just being unreasonable, over-reacting or jumping to conclusions. That's the tricky thing for me about PA, it's invisible!

For sure the best thing is to 'not react', and boy can that be tricky, to not confront, engage or negotiate. I find when I feel the strong compulsion to do those things it really helps to use distraction techniques so that my mind can stop fixating on the compulsion. Some guided meditations on detaching from thoughts can be helpful too. 

[Danaus plexippus]

Dear Dutch Uncle, I find I must complement your turn of fraise again, except I really don't get it this time. Please explain 'resisting the Hoover' to me. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Danaus,

I'll try to explain.
What I have come to learn (or better said, am in the process of learning) is that my emotional abusers also offer help. Then they are kind and understanding. Only to be followed by another betrayal, trick, put-down etc. And then offering some help again, rinse and repeat. This process is referred to as Hoovering.
So, not accepting help from them, however attractive that help may seem, is"'resisting the Hoover".