help and education needed about death anxiety

[Bix]

Hello everyone, I'm new here.  I am also about 2 years in to learning about my symptoms and what cptsd is about.  I have derealization dissociation a lot when I get stressed.

I have a question about anxiety about death.  I am not sure what kind of symptom this is...hyper vigilance?  I sought out this forum because I go through periods where I am certain I am about to die shortly.  Like I only have a few weeks left.  Or, if I depersonalize, I think the truth is that I died a long time ago, and I am a ghost just trying to figure out that I died and will shortly move on.

I had a dream a couple months ago that my recently deceased grandma came to me and told me she was taking me "home" after a car accident I was going to have.  She said the "big day" was going to be 6/28, this Friday.   I've had bad dreams all week about it, dreams about taking a "big sleep for 100 years", funeral dreams, I see caskets.... something feels like it's going haywire.

I'm trying not to freak out, but it is unfortunately actually getting to me. I feel like it's real, but I'm trying to understand it's anxiety, somehow related to cptsd. 

I guess I'm trying to educate myself about this kind of anxiety and nightmares to help myself ground.  Any ideas how this relates to cptsd???

[Rudi]

This sounds really scary and I'm sure it is very anxiety-inducing! I have not experienced anything that detailed but I have been going through intense anxiety over fears of death since my mother died a couple of months ago. This is not what you are experiencing and is nowhere near as cryptic, however, I get the feeling there may be similarities in the level of fear that is invoked.  This "out of my control" feeling has left me with few options to deal with it other than learning to either run from it, talk about it, or sit with it and know that I have zero control over the outcome should it happen.

I am struggling to sit and let go but it seems I do better with this option when I apply it. I wish you nothing but peace in your life.

[Kizzie]

Hey Bix - not a psychologist but what came to mind when I read your post is that the trauma we face is a threat to our self, a possibility of dying either body and/or soul b/c of being reduced to nothingness by someone who has chosen to abuse/neglect us.

The first time I ever connected openly with younger me in therapy that's what I saw and felt - a terror I was going to die b/c my parents did not love me and I was alone.  It's not rational to an adult but it is to a child on a primal level and that's where getting therapy can help.  Our younger self can learn we are safe now, that we made it through and not everyone has the potential to kill our body or soul b/c we can keep ourselves safe and get support and care from healthy others.   

I don't know if this is what's going on in your case, it may be you had an actual near death situation along the way.  Whatever is underlying your anxiety though my suggestion would be to consider therapy and to keep posting here so you do have support as you work through this.    

[Bix]

Kizzie, this speaks to me a lot.  I can see how it may be a younger self that is struggling...I really appreciate the feedback.

Thank you Rudi...."sitting with it" is a thing I keep hearing about. Maybe I'll try to work with that today.

[rebelsue]

Bix, I checked your profile and it says you were last active August 3 so that is good news to me that you are safe. How are you?

I have death anxiety, too. Not as much about myself as tragically losing loved ones. It keeps me up most nights, with intrusive thoughts about how it will go down. It induces nightmares sometimes, too. I wish I knew the solution to this because it's really awful so I can say I relate to what you are going through but have no idea how to cure it.

My insight on this is that we didn't feel safe as babies, and there's an evolutionary, biological reason why we fear death as infants when we are not kept safe - because as an infant, if we truly are abandoned, we may literally die because of how dependent human babies are on their parents for so long compared to other mammals.  So it makes sense that our brains go to "death" either of ourselves or loved ones even if we have not experienced loss before. I used to think that my death anxiety was really weird considering my trauma didn't involve losing a loved one. But I don't think it has to. I think the threat of death can seem very real when you are a small child feeling abandoned by caregivers and that can stick with you.

As an adult, we are actually not going to die if abandoned by caregivers, technically. But human beings do need companionship and connection to live well, and having nobody to care for you can feel like a form of death at times even if you can do things like physically feed yourself and find housing.

My two cents, FWIW....

[Kizzie]

human beings do need companionship and connection to live well, and having nobody to care for you can feel like a form of death at times even if you can do things like physically feed yourself and find housing.