New Blog Aticle - Part 2 of "Parenting with CPTSD"

[Kizzie]

In Part 2 of "Parenting with CPTSD" Joyelle Brandt discusses some parenting strategies for survivors.

[Deep Blue]

I like the idea of learning what not to do from our abuse.

I still have some comments on this article however.  I'm not sure it really helps me as a survivor of cptsd.

It teaches children how to avoid abuse which is great.

But what do I do when I crumple and have a panic attack in front of my child?

What do I do to prevent the stresses from overcoming me.  My stresses can inhibit me from the being the parent I want to be.

I think many of us have to work harder with cptsd to function when others take it for granted.

How do I prevent my stresses and my struggles from effecting my child?

[Kizzie]

Great questions Deep Blue, I would encourage you to ask them in a post at the blog.  Joyelle is a survivor herself and runs a parent group so she may have some thoughts about what you've asked.  And if she doesn't, it's still good to ask so that maybe others who do have ideas (or other issues) can weigh in. 

[Three Roses]

I see now how clueless I was as a young mother. I had only a very rudimentary understanding of what was normal for children's behavior. I learned by doing, by watching friends, by watching videos like PBS's Bradshaw On The Family, by reading books. These all gave me things to do but I found no insight into how to handle what I saw then as my bad temper, which I see now as EFs, panic attacks, etc.

I talked to my sons about keeping yourself safe, words to use, what a stranger was, etc. Until I entered therapy, though, we never discussed my own behavior which at times must have been confusing and troubling to them, at least.

They're grown now and we can talk about anything. They say they love me, and I believe them. They know some things about me but not everything. That would be too much information.

Looking back I wish I'd had someone I could have talked to. Back then, housewives just did not have ptsd! And cptsd was unknown.

Transparency is, I think, the key to allowing your children to not take things personally. Their natural, innocent self-centered nature makes them take responsibility for big adult problems on their own tiny, fragile shoulders. The parents' job is to help them see a bit of the bigger picture so they don't carry unnecessary burdens that belong to other people.

The trick is to not give them damaging info that makes them feel unsafe, like details about grandma's behavior or whatever. I also kept in mind the fact they may want to discuss things with their friends, just to try to process information, so I made sure I didn't tell them anything I didn't want repeated.

Also it's good to be able to apologize. I did a lot of that. 😉

[Kizzie]

I thought it would make sense to move this into this sub-forum so it's here in the future.

Like you TR, I have not really talked to my son openly/directly about my having CPTSD.  He is aware I grew up within a family with NPD and alcoholism and that it was traumatic.  He also knows I founded this site and has even helped with a couple of IT issues.  But so far that's about as fr as it has gone. 

I didn't talk to him about this when he was younger mostly because I did not know what was going on. I had no idea until about 6 years ago it was CPTSD and that was about the time he went off to university and wasn't at home any longer. I'm not sure what I would have said if I'd known earlier.  I do wonder if there were things he saw as being responsible for that were not and find myself wanting to pick a time and let him know it was NOT him.  What you wrote is spot on imo:

Transparency is, I think, the key to allowing your children to not take things personally. Their natural, innocent self-centered nature makes them take responsibility for big adult problems on their own tiny, fragile shoulders. The parents' job is to help them see a bit of the bigger picture so they don't carry unnecessary burdens that belong to other people. The trick is to not give them damaging info that makes them feel unsafe, like details about grandma's behavior or whatever.

Now that CPTSD is becoming more widely known about, perhaps it's time to come up with some guidelines/ suggestions.  AS your questions highlight Deep Blue it can be difficult to know what to do/say and how to do/say it. I worked on the ones over at OOTF so we could use them as a starting point - "Talking to Kids about Personality Disorders".  If anyone has any ideas/comments please weigh in   

Or we could just talk about this issue some more 

[Libby183]

Deep blue.

I agree with you. Parenting with CPTSD is definitely an extra challenge.

I suspect that you will be a more than a "good enough parent" because you have identified your weaknesses and accepted the challenge of dealing with these so as not to harm your child. I believe that this is a huge start.

I only learnt about CPTSD when my children were in their late teens. But it was through parenting them, that I realised just how truly damaging my parents had been to me. In fact, my mother encouraged me to emotionally abuse my daughter on many occasions.
This seems, to me, to fit in with the theory of intergenerational abuse and what one writer calls "the mother wound". It's very interesting.

I honestly believe that the most important aspect of good parenting in the face of CPTSD is to see your children as individuals, who are loved for themselves, be honest with them, ensure that they never feel responsible for you, never blame or shame them, don't control them or enmesh them. My pd mother and enabling father did all of these things, and did them to my children as well. Hence, no contact.

My grown up daughter understands all of my issues and is my biggest support. My sons have special needs, so don't know the details but are fully accepting of me, because they know they aren't to blame.

We have our ups and downs, of course, but I believe that we have an attachment that means we can work through things. That was non existent with my mother and we never worked through anything.

With knowledge and support, I believe we can be good enough parents.

[Kizzie]

I'm not recommending this book as I haven't read it, just mentioning it as I found it online today through Twitter - "I'm Sick: A Mental Health Book from Adults to Kids"

Personally I don't see myself as having mental illness, I think of myself as being injured psychologically. But there may be some useful ideas in the book to help think about how to talk to our children about having CPTSD I don't know.      Note -  I did also see what look to be some good books at Amazon for talking about emotions with kids when I was having a look at this book.  (E.g., The Grumpy Monkey)