Talking to your kids about sex (trigger warning due to subject matter)

[milk]

Hello all —-

There was an old thread ‘teens and sex’ that caught my attention. So I decided to update the topic as an invitation to share effective strategies for discussing healthy sex and sensuality with children (age appropriate for the environment the child lives in) and young adults.

In a session with an old T who specialized in sex education —- we came to the conclusive inquiry: Imagine teenagers beginning their sexual lives with healthy experiences. How can we (adult role models) facilitate this?

Please feel free to expand on this, share insights, highlights from something you read, a personal story of strength, anything that feels right for you —-

**My need to start this topic is about celebrating healthy ways to relate to sex and sensuality. At the age of seventeen I made a commitment to myself:  to honor healthy intimate moments with a partner, sometimes the moments would collect and other times, they did not. Doing  this, freed me sexually over time; scratching out memory of multiple sexual assaults that occurred between fifteen and sixteen —- may you all find something to take with you from this read that affects you IRL.


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[milk]

I will go first.

Mom sat me down at the age of eight to tell me about human sexual reproduction. She was objective and detailed in her descriptions; I was disgusted mostly because the adult body frightened me — I could not relate. The best part was a picture book she shared, The Family of Man by Wynn Bullock.  The adult human body was naturally beautiful, my favorite picture was of the young girl nude, sleeping in the ivy. I loved playing in the woods, I would fall asleep in the brush; sometimes I would forget where I am (exhausted) — imagining her as me.

I was fortunate, my mother taught sex ed and her personality was that of a scientist: methodical, thorough, investigative, and gentle in her gaze. Soon after, I found myself playing on the hill in the yard with my barbies and yes, they were having sex all the time because I just learned about it. The boy next door comes over, he is nine, his name is Ephraim. He came down the hill, sat near me and leaned over, “would you have sex with me? (In my head — I couldn’t believe it, I was just talking to my mom about it) Ephraim I do not have my period so that means I am not fully formed, therefore I am not capable of having sex. If we did, I would not be able to experience it as it should be.” Ephraim came back with —-  if we had sex, then you wouldn’t get pregnant because you don’t have your period. (I had to explain the fully formed part to him several times) His final argument for sex was that, Joey, our neighbor, who is also eight, had sex with him —- Well that is Joey, not me. I continued to play with my barbies.  He left. Thanks Mom!

Later on, I did have a chat with Joey, but that’s another thread topic.

To end this, I would like to share a resource I found for discussing sex with young adults The UCLA Sex Squad — its hilarious and informative. Am I a parent? Not yet, I am grateful for the preparation.

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[Boy22]

Hey :

I was a peer facilitator of a "coming out" group for young gay men. I attended conferences that further educated me on sensuality as both part of and at other times separate to sex.

We currently have a boarder. A 21yr young gay man who has never had positive role modelling with respect to his sexuality and sexual relationships. He is enjoying being able to freely discuss his desires with us as we react positively and further guide him in his thinking to enhance his relationships.

Which brings me to parenting. It is about providing healthy role modelling around acceptance of your own body first (young children), and then understanding when is the right time to talk about puberty and the changes that will/are happening (you have to do this multiple times for teenagers), and then finally modelling an adult sexual relationship that is respectful of each other. Finally if possible, doing all this in a way that is not narrowly heterosexual focussed.

[milk]

Yes! ‘Doing all of this in a way that is not narrowly heterosexual focussed”  —- The Family of Man by Wynn Bullock needs to be updated. My story reflects the heterosexual nature of my mother but the intimacy in it applies to all genders and sexual preferences — in fact, that little girl discovered her adult desire for men and women :   )

‘He is enjoying being able to freely discuss his desires with us as we react positively and further guide him in his thinking to enhance his relationships’ —- Boy 22, this is beautiful. You have made my day. You and your partner have chosen to be there for another who needs you (and you both need him), this is why we are all here.