What symptom is this?

[Rainagain]

OK,

I was mixing cement today, I had finished a batch and so had some water and stone clattering in the mixer to clean off the old cement.

I was back at the house thinking about a person who I believe had been acting badly to me a few days back. I was pretty stressed and intent on what had happened, lost in thought.

I suddenly realised the noise from the mixer had stopped.

Thinking it had broken I walked the 50 yards to see what the problem was. No problem, I had already walked down, switched it off and walked back.

I had no idea I had done that at all, even though I must have done it minutes earlier.

I do have lost time stuff but normally only when I'm sitting quietly.

I'm wondering if my lost time episodes are worse than I think or if this was dissociation or something else.

Its little things like this that make me realise I'm actually pretty unwell. I often try to minimise how unwell I am these days since cptsd arrived but there are lots of little signs that I'm quite Ill.

How could I have walked 100 yards, switched off a cement mixer without knowing I'd done it a few minutes later? How could the lack of noise suddenly intrude so I thought it had just happened and the mixer was broken?  It had been off for some while.

I think this stuff happens more than I realise or remember.

[the mirliton]

oh yes Rainagain,
I drive myself friggin nuts at times with similar things happening to me.  I suspect it is a major symptom of being told (by many of my abusers) that what I "thought" happened, didn't, or if it did I totally blew it out of proportion, and so I developed a total lack of trust in my own thoughts as I attempted to process the abuse. As time goes on, I seem to have more actual actions that I do not recall doing, rather than just the far-away look in my eyes that happen when I disappear for a moment or two. Practicing mindfulness helps (just a tiny bit) especially when I am working through sorting out my emotions on a situation or person.  I now try and accept that it takes 2 maybe even 3 times to "make sure" that I locked the door, or the toilet got flushed...and (well you get the picture). Try to be kind (no judgements!) with yourself. I am most certainly my own worst enemy.  It sounds like you are a competent person, and know what needs to be done, even if you don't remember doing it. 

[Rainagain]

Thanks for your input, glad its not just me!

I pick up and fret over new issues I guess, afraid its going to get worse.

I'm just glad I'm not an airline pilot or anything...... I'd forget to put the wheels down.

I suppose it wasn't just 'did I do that?' I had totally zero recollection of what I had done in the previous 5 minutes.

Interestingly, people had been telling me I had imagined the dark intent behind the recent trouble. Just like you describe. If they are being reassuring it fails, I know what went on, their denial just makes me doubt their motives or my sanity.

Makes me want to isolate totally really.

Anyway, thanks for your reply

[ah]

I was pretty stressed and intent on what had happened, lost in thought.

I suddenly realised the noise from the mixer had stopped.

I think this is similar to what happens when you read a good book and you're so absorbed in it that you stop noticing what you see and hear around you.
Being lost in thought can happen just as strongly when you're lost in painful thoughts I guess, not just enjoyable ones. Even more strongly than the enjoyable ones because it can feel so intensely triggering and existential. But maybe it's the exact same process? Your mind "diving" into a thought?

Many years ago I was a stage performer. I noticed this never happens on stage. The moment you're "on" your mind is focused and can't get lost, it's relaxing in a way. Almost hypnotic. But sadly when it's over your mind rushes back.

Also, in my experience it can be much easier to get lost in thought when you're busy doing something that you've done a million times, so it's almost automatic. Then it doesn't require that much conscious effort anymore as your mind is freed to get lost on something else. Same as driving, I guess? When you first drive as a teenager you're aware of every little correction you make, every movement of the wheel is felt so strongly but at some point later you suddenly realize you just drove for half an hour while eating, drinking and doing many other dangerous things but driving was so habitual you "forgot" it.

Maybe.

Then again, you may be totally crazy.  Just saying  but if you are then so am I, you're not alone.

P.S I bet you read the intention just fine, you might have painted it in dark hues because of hypervigilance but I bet you didn't imagine it. There really is negativity out there. People who haven't been hurt like that refuse to see it, it's depressing how blind people can be. They want to strongly believe that by denying bad things the bad things will go away and you'll be happier if you just believe them it's the opposite of what would be right to say but no one ever taught them what to say. Or how to manage the deep pain of betrayal. Maybe.

[Blueberry]

I had totally zero recollection of what I had done in the previous 5 minutes.

I do this too. You're not alone. Or if you're a Harry Potter fan, to quote Luna Lovegood "You're just as sane as I am" 

I haven't always had this symptom, at least I don't think so. Just since retraumatisation with FOO really messed my head around.

[Rainagain]

Thank you guys,

No harm was done its a little thing, just new to me so I got concerned. Its not important but took me a while to realise it wasn't dangerous.

Snake?!!!! Er, no, just a stick.....relax.

Ah, your PS is spot on. My friends seem naïve to me, they can't believe the negative intent I describe. After more thought I am certain, I know what was happening, I got more upset than a normal person would but it happened.

Stick? No! Snake!!!!!

[Rainagain]

PS

I used to perform on stage when younger too Ah, as did woodsgnome I think, maybe we should do 'cptsd- the musical'?

Maybe not.

Maybe we could form a virtual ensemble, I used to do circus skills stuff and singing, not in the same performance.......