More serious than a difficult day

[Contessa]

Okay, this is clearly more than just a difficult day. Thought it best to start a new thread.

Can't stop feeling the pain, and i'm starting to get sick from it.

[Rainagain]

Sounds more like grieving than a difficult day.

If you fully account for and reckon up  the loss you are grieving for it might help you process it?

Means diving deeper but might help you through this.

Ignore me if that is nonsense, I'm more skilled at experiencing pain than in dealing with it.

[Contessa]

No you're not speaking nonsense. I thought I already grieved but it seems a deeper layer did reveal itself. It appears that I already have taken the dive too.

I wish this would stop. Like many on here, I've already had to deal with more grief than I can handle. I knew I couldn't handle this.

[Rainagain]

I'm sorry contessa,

We don't need more grieving, you've been through plenty already. We have taken this test already, no need to repeat it, the lessons have been learned.

Its just adding insult to injury really, makes no sense. I'm thinking of you today as you try to cope with it all, I understand what it feels like.

[radical]

I feel for you, Contessa.
You've been through a lot.  There is nothing pathological about feeling it.
You are handling it.  Unfortunately, this is handling it.
I wish I could make you a cup of something and be there for you.
You deserve kindness and love, and all I can do is send thoughts across the sea and tell you that I/we care.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry to hear this Contessa, I too wish I could be there to listen, bring a cup of tea, whatever you need to get through this. 

[Contessa]

Thank you. A cup of tea would be good. Sitting would be good.
RA spot on. I've said the exact same thing for years.

[Kizzie]

Are you feeling any better Contessa?

[Contessa]

Yes I am thank you Kizzie. I'm stuck for words right now, but yes there has been some lift in mood

[Blueberry]

  Good to hear of lift in mood. 

[Kizzie]

and 

[Rainagain]

The thing I recognise on here is that we all try our best to cope, we get knocked flat, we get up again.

That is courage, it is quiet and unassuming, but it is a thing full of human dignity.

[radical]

Well said, Rain Again.

We have to cheer ourselves on and each other on.  We don't get the sort of recognition and support commensuarate with what we've been through, with what we live with, and with how far we've come.

I have a slipped disc, and yesterday I was limping around the supermarket.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding the pain I was in, but being physical pain,  I felt nowhere near the pressure to hide it as I would for the far greater pain of living with cptsd.

Anyway, a guy came up to me and asked if I was okay and if there was anything he could do to help.  I felt disoriented for a moment.  I've been walking around that place over the last few years in much greater pain, and I've felt so alone with it.  It took courage to be there then, to do my shopping and go home.

Without those simple acknowledgements of the people in our communities, cptsd can be so alienating.  It can feel like pressure to be slient and to hide - that the shame belongs to us.  It doesn't.

I feel glad you are feeling a bit better, Contessa, and glad you are with us here.

[jamesG.1]

Hang in there, it WILL lift. The poor old brain has to run through its security checks and it can make you feel like *%&#. Bt you have to feel it, it's part of the cure.

Tomorrow is always another day.

[Contessa]

Yes, feeling it is part of the cure. And Rad that is the crux of this whole thing. RA, such a poignant line about human dignity. I feel that I sacrifice that by being quite loud, addressing things head on when desperation hits.

My mood has improved immensely over the last few days thanks to everyone here, and the people I was able to call on near home. The people I had to take years to find and trust.

Nothing was going to stop the pain from slamming into me, it was like standing stationary on a train track, noticing then watching that light as it got nearer and louder.

But I think that by calling some shots, and stamping my feet - undignified as that is - the pain while no less intense seems to eradicate almost as swiftly - if not more so - than it took to set in.

I can't believe that agony lifted after only days. Days! Instead of months or years. Something positive to come out of all of this, and a little self esteem boost