No plans to do it, but sometimes think about it . . .

[alliematt]

There's been a few days in these last few weeks where I've lain in bed at night thinking about ways to do suicide. 

Usually, the next morning, I wake up feeling a bit better.  I suspect some of mine may be chemical/hormonal; I am in menopause and sometimes, I've noticed that my very bad days coincide with times that I didn't change a hormone patch. 

Even with a child that has special needs, that's hard enough.  But add in CPTSD, depression, OCD, past experiences of bullying and spiritual abuse, chronic health issues, debt, and the current state of the country . . . I am not surprised that I want to "check out".  THAT'S really what I want.  It's not the death, it's wanting to get out from under everything. 

And even with realizing that, I find myself rather discouraged and rather frustrated. 

[Blueberry]

I am not surprised that I want to "check out".  THAT'S really what I want.  It's not the death, it's wanting to get out from under everything. 

I can really identify with this! It's no longer so bad for me, so take heart, it does improve or can improve!

[Cookido]

I also felt with what you said about checking out. There's another expression I relate to "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live" which I at times feel quite strongly.

It is frustrating and unfair to feel or think this way. I hope you get strengh to get out of it. Maybe try and distract yourself at night when the thoughts pop up. I found it helpful to write down negative thoughts in a note book and then leave them in the book till morning when I can deal with them more properly. At night it's hard to deal with thoughts anyway, because we all need our sleep and that should be priority number one. Everything else goes in the book.

[woodsgnome]

I've gotten better at accepting the presence of those thoughts, while also improving in how I respond. It's impossible to stop the thoughts, but think of how many others seek and vie for attention all day and into the night. Taken in context, how many of those are acted on, or just passing fancies; possibilities, but not prophecies? i've never devised a counting method, but I bet most thoughts only pass through without action, or even needing any. It's why people like fiction--as a fancy, but it's only reality is speculative, even scary; same for movies. 

It's nothing to be ashamed of, these thoughts; especially considering the * of our back stories. One way is to realize they're all old stories the minute they pass through. We can then control and shut off the story's logical (or not so logical) progression.

There were times when I was too convinced by the story to follow through. Fortunately other endings made it in, for various reasons. Perhaps the most noted quality I have is that of someone who goes against the grain, a rebel. I love to think of ways which would reverse the torment of my cptsd story. The best one so far is to show up, excel at the things they said I'd never do...like live in a way that honours my heart and my inner spirit. Too many times I considered peeling off that course, but the creative counter-thoughts prevailed.

I found that I can best accomplish those goals and discover my inner talents by continuing; I've learned that from all the times I thought otherwise and almost, but never did, believe that ending it was the right story.

My thoughts will likely turn gloomy again. It comes and goes--I recently was in a deeply depressive state of being where the discouragement was pointing me in that direction again. The what and why of how that story turned isn't important. But something else I remembered (yet another thought!) was that the wish for ending is just another way of wishing for more life. No matter the situation, I've somehow managed to learn the truth of staying with the program called life. I don't understand it, much of it I don't like (some days most of it I don't like), but it will end of its own accord at some point without any prompting on my part anyway.

One other brief analogy--I used to guide canoe trips. On a couple of occasions, these went awry in rapids where fate could have tipped either way. All I could do was stick to what I knew, fully cognizant of the alternative. I know, that sounds bold, perhaps melodramatic--it can be told that way, but it wasn't--it just was. I'm not even sure if it's a good analogy for this topic, but the thought was there, so I grabbed it.

for you.

[alliematt]

This evening I'm enjoying Call the Midwife, and I will have a nice shower before I go to bed.

[DecimalRocket]

Sometimes it's the simple things that make it worth staying alive, huh? Well, hope you enjoyed those.

[Cygnus]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can identify with feeling that I want to end my life.  One thing that helped me was to realize I was having compassion for myself, it's nothing to feel ashamed of, despite what people say, because it's a natural and caring response.  My life has been very hard and the painful feelings are so difficult.  The thought of suicide is being compassionate to myself, not wanting to endure any more pain. Who would want a loved one to suffer so much?  But I have hope from going to therapy that things can get better without having to do that.  There are treatments that work for people like us, even some that can be done without a therapist, like IFS and EMDR, though I recommend a skilled developmental trauma/CPTSD therapist, as it's helped me immensely.