Advice on going NC?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hello, I'm back for a topic. I've been super duper busy with IRL things, working a LOT, saving as much money as I can. Also been paying for doctor appointments, still seeing my therapist, and making great progress I think. Good news; I'm moving out in January. That's it, that's what I've decided. It WILL happen.

So far this is my plan:
- In December I will look for places to rent and contact an agent when I find an appropriate place to live. I will get it all set up prior to actually moving in, which involves getting the electricity and internet working.
- When I'm ready, some day in January after New Year's, I'll hire some guys to help me pack my furniture and take it to my new place. I'll do it whilst my FOO is out, and hopefully it will all be done in about two hours.
- As I leave the old house, I'll leave a letter to my FOO. What it will say, I have NO clue. I'm still thinking about that one. Everytime I think of what I might say I feel scared, like... I'll be saying things to my FOO I've never been allowed to say before, basically declaring my independence from them. I want to say; "Don't try to contact me", but thinking of saying that makes me scared, scared I'll be punished. But of course, they wouldn't be able to do that - I'll be living in my own place.
- Once I'm settled in my new house, I'll go about changing my address with my bank, medicare, etc. I'll also ditch my Facebook account, and any internet profile my FOO may be able to contact me with.
- And then when that's all done, I'll get a name change. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and the more I think about it the more excited I get. I'm not changing my name just because I hate my current name, I'm changing it so nobody who knew me will find me.

So what I'm asking for is just basic advice...
- Advice on renting a place? Things to look out for? And how does the process of renting a house roughly work? What kind of paperwork do I need to fill? How long does it take for it to all get sorted out?
- I've been contemplating whether telling the police that I'm going no-contact with my relatives/friends. My FOO is very over-controlling and I'm quite sure they'll try to get the police to find me when I'm gone. So is it possible to tell the police that I don't wish to be found? That, as an above 18 year old (independent adult), I wish to live at a secret address? Or is that not a thing I can do? The last thing I want is the police showing up at my door, or my FOO. Ugh.
- Any advice on what I should tell my FOO in the letter? I'm really lost. I'm so scared but excited at the same time.
- Should I change my last name whilst I change my first name? Can people find you easily by your surname? I'm not sure. I'm quite apathetic about my last name so I haven't really thought of changing it. But I should probably change it... just to be very sure nobody will find me.
- Is there a chance my request for a name change might not be 'good enough'? I'll plan to write as my reasoning something along the lines of; "I don't want to be contacted or found by my abusers", and I'm thinking I could get a letter from my therapist in support of this. I hope it's a good enough reason...

I'm really excited about it all. Like, when I think of it, I actually feel rather hopeful for once... that I feel everything will be okay. I'm scared, but also full of adrenaline... just the thought of walking out of my FOO's house... and never coming back... it will be like a huge weight off my shoulder, I'm sure. And I'm hoping when I'm living on my own, I'll stop having these reoccurring nightmares... the feelings of being trapped, not being able to run away. I want to feel free, want to feel like my own person.

I'm going no contact, leaving everything behind, because I'm sure nothing will change. Even if it does, I'm sure it won't change for a while. When one problem disappears, another shows. My father isn't as physically abusive as he was, but now my parents seem to enjoy taking money from me, saying I owe them when I don't. They also want me to pay for my own flight to my sister's wedding on the other side of the country, someone I don't care about, a wedding I don't care about, a family I don't care about. (And I'm still terrified of airports and flying from a bad past experience) They say I have to go, everyone says I have to go. But I'm not going to lol, they can go shove off. It's okay if they disown me for it, I'll be under a new name and identity anyway so it won't matter.

Anyway, any advice or any reply at all would be so very much appreciated. I only have one real clean shot at this I think, so I have to get it perfect - or at least close to it.
Thank you for reading. ^^

[Three Roses]

First of all, I've missed you! We may not notice or know how important we are to others here, but I always notice when people stop posting. So welcome back.

Sounds like a great plan! Idk much about name changes; I don't think you need a reason to change it though. About the last name, maybe it depends on how common your last name is. If it's really common, maybe no need to change it?

I think a phone call to the police in your area is a pretty good idea, personally. They may have advice/insight, too.

There are lots of letters to read here in the going no contact section, you could try reading them for ideas. Mostly I'd say, just tell your own personal truth and don't worry about doing it the "right" way.

Keep us posted! I'm really excited for you. 

[ah]

Just my two cents, based on my experience which may be really different from yours.

I think I'd write as little as possible in the letter to FOO, because any and all information I'd give would be like giving further ammunition to abusers. So I'd keep it brief and sweet.
"Dear ...., have decided to move out, it feels like it's time. At this time in my life I prefer to not be in contact. Wishing you all the best ..."  or something else that's vague, distant and impersonal. Then less can be learned from it.
Even with a sentence that's something like how you feel it's time to spread your wings and be independent, it's important to you thanks to all that they taught you, how much you appreciate it, 'etc... in my experience, my FOO are so full of themselves that this kind of thing often worked well and kept them off my scent. A little bit of flattery to arrogant people can go a long way.
 
I think I wouldn't write things I've not been able to say till now, not unless I felt it might be really heard by FOO. If it won't be, I wouldn't expose myself like that to unsafe people. I'd get away and be polite and cold and nice and distant. I'd be vulnerable with better people down the road.

In my experience, every word I ever said / wrote to my abusers was catalogued somewhere in their demented brains and used against me. So I've become quiet. I guard my privacy now. People who don't deserve to be allowed into my mind don't get any of my thoughts.

I ask myself: will sharing benefit me? will it benefit them? If the answer's "no" to both questions then I stay silent though it's never as logical and clean as that, of course.

I've changed my name in the past, first and last both. I said I was in danger, and that worked fine. But the rules where I live may be different.
Here again, just saying you're in danger without supplying details unless they say they need them.

Renting a place depends on so many factors, if I could I'd take someone else with me who'd look knowledgeable and ask questions. I wouldn't say it's my first time renting a place. If you can, also have someone with you when you move. Don't be alone if your FOO do show up and start a scene. Prepare for that possibility and practice a couple of short, distant, polite, vague sentences to say in case you need them.

[Resca]

Congratulations on making this big and incredible life decision!! We don't actually know each other IRL or anything, but I want you to know that I felt so proud of you while reading this, and I hope you feel proud of yourself, as well. You're taking an amazing step for yourself.

I echo Three Roses in saying that contacting the police is probably a good idea. Controlling people are often crafty, and I'm sure it wouldn't be hard for your FOO to craft a story about worrying for your safety in order to get the police to cooperate if they felt lying would benefit them. And as Three Roses stated, the police may have seen something similar before and could offer advice.

One thing that did occur to me: generally when renting a place, you have to use your legal name and SSN, which goes into a number of databases and information banks. I remember when I first bought a house, I suddenly started getting letters from mortgage companies, home improvement places, all kind of companies I'd never heard of just because we when through the title transfer process. Until you're able to get your name legally changed, you may want to look into ways to protect yourself from that kind of information sharing so that your FOO won't be able to get their hands on anything. You'd think it would be impossible for them to do so, but public records are more extensive than you'd think. The police may be able to offer some guidance on this.

I don't know much about name changes so I'm not going to come at your last question from that perspective, but it seemed a little symptom-ish for you to worry that the literal abuse that you went through wouldn't be enough for you to do anything you need to do to get away. So I just want to remind you that what you went through is real and valid; what you've felt and are feeling now is valid; you are good enough; you deserve to be free of your abusers and as terrible as your experiences were, they gave you the strength to push for your needs when you want/need to. You've already proven that by setting up this plan to find your freedom. So keep pushing and make it happen. We all know that you can do this

I wish you the best of luck!! Keep us posted if you can?

[Kat]

Congratulations, Aphotic!  This is really awesome to hear.  Staying in a toxic environment like the one you're in is so damaging. 

I wanted to echo what ah said.  Keep the letter brief, distant and even a little mock thankful.  I got into it recently with one of my sisters via email.  I wrote a response, but decided to show it to my T first.  She glanced at the length and without reading it said I should rethink my response.  She pointed out that for my sister, it's all about winning and not understanding.  I ended up sending a bland three-sentence response.  I haven't heard back, which I no doubt would have if I'd sent my first response.  It doesn't feel good not being understood, and being framed as the bad guy sucks, but no amount of words will get people like these to understand or care.

As for the name change.  I'm in the U.S., so things may be a bit different.  My husband wanted to take my last name after we married.  He went to see a lawyer about how it might work.  We were thinking that since women can take their spouse's last name it would be easy enough the other way around.  He was told there would be a hearing and such because he would have to prove he wasn't doing it in order to get away from debt or the law in any way.  It was going to be a huge process and involve a lot of document gathering and money spent, so he didn't go through with it. 

You're young and female, and you can explain that you're attempting to get away from an abusive family, so it might be much, much easier for you.  That said, really think about this choice.  You'll be cutting off from your parents, which is good, but you'll also be cutting off from everyone else who's known you.  It may seem like right now that's not such a bad thing, but will you be okay with it in the future?  Just something to think about.

Wishing you all the best!  You should be so proud of yourself.

[Blueberry]

I think I'd write as little as possible in the letter to FOO, because any and all information I'd give would be like giving further ammunition to abusers. So I'd keep it brief
 
....

In my experience, every word I ever said / wrote to my abusers was catalogued somewhere in their demented brains and used against me. So I've become quiet. I guard my privacy now. People who don't deserve to be allowed into my mind don't get any of my thoughts.

I ask myself: will sharing benefit me? will it benefit them? If the answer's "no" to both questions then I stay silent though it's never as logical and clean as that, of course.

I agree with ah on this, though I'm not quite as far along in this healing process as ah. I'm still learning to do all this.

For further advice on this kind of topic, I find reading over at Out of the Fog really useful: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=v0v4jviu14qmluj0hj8d3q1qc0&board=35.0 They have a whole section on Going No Contact with PD Parents (personality-disordered parents, which abusers are by defintion IMO). It's a much bigger forum and there's a lot of experience over there.

Anyway, Aphotic Atramentous Tremendous Congratulations on this upcoming step! 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Wow this is a lot of replies.  Thank you guys so much. The support really means a lot! I won't reply directly to everyone, just kinda make an overall reply so it'll be less text to read. But I do want you all to know that I really do appreciate it.

In regards to the house renting:
I was talking to a friend about it and I think that when you do get your own place you're put on a kind of list, and in some places you can request that your details aren't shown publicly but that's something I'll have to research up on. It could be something to ask the police about.
I wish I could take a friend with me to go house hunting but I don't have any friends close by. lol But I know the basic stuff I need to look out for like... Is it close to a Bus route? Is it close to work? Is it close to a supermarket? Stuff like that.

In regards to talking to the police:
I'm sure my FOO would enjoy making up some story to the police about how "she's not independent enough!" or "she can't take care of herself!" when in reality that's what I've been doing for the past 18 years.  So yeah, I think it's a good idea to talk to the police first before they have a chance to have their minds swayed by my FOO.
I should try and see about contacting the police before all this other stuff goes down, I'm not sure which is the best way or who to talk to specifically though. Phone call? Walk in and ask to speak to someone? I don't know. I'll figure it out.

In regards to the letter:
I think, as much as I'd like to be able to have my last few words to my FOO brutally honest and harsh, that would just fuel the fire. And I think kinda falsely praising them is a good idea and will really help to keep them off my back, my FOO loves compliments... so that's a really good idea. But also just keeping it short and lacking information is a good call as well. I'll have to have a read through of some of the other letters that people have written. Thanks for the links and referrals to all those.

In regards to the name change:
My surname is apparently ranked in like, the top 3,000 most popular surnames. So I'd reckon it's fairly okay to keep it? I would change it if I had a surname in mind but I don't. Took me so long to just figure out a new first name, let alone a new surname. And I have met a few strangers who share the same last name.
From what I've read up, you need to state a reason for a name change because the government doesn't want you to get away with fraud or whatever. Which is fair enough. The general rules also state that it's preferable you provide evidence for whatever reason you have - which is why I'm thinking I could get the letter off my therapist in support of my name change.
lol I wish I could share my new first name here because I really adore it and all my close friends I've told really like it as well. But for obvious privacy reasons I can't share it here. Unfortunately. But it's a really nice name and all my friends are in support of me changing my name which was really reassuring and supportive to hear.

I'm really sure about this No Contact thing, changing my identity and becoming my own person. It'll probably be one of the bigger things I'll do in my life, such a feat. I think to myself, what exactly I'd be leaving behind. My family of course, my old school friends. But I've had to hide so much from them, just in fear of being abused. The person they knew all along was a mere mask. So this new name, new identity, would be like taking off that mask, and finally being able to breathe, finally being able to express who I really am. I'll be able to share my own sense of humour, my own ideas and motives. So yeah, I'm really excited.

Thanks again for all the replies. Sorry if I've missed anything! I'll add more if I need to later. ^-^

[Rainagain]

Personally I wouldn't worry about name changing, just get to a safer place and avoid contact.

I would get the mail in your name redirected either to a post office or your new address so your mail is not an excuse for family to try to find you.

If you leave any kind of note then the police won't be interested as you are an adult and not missing, you can inform them if you wish.

Social media is a big issue, not just your account but others might post stuff as well, I would close the accounts now or stop using them now and close them later.

I hope you have enough money for deposit and rent in advance, there are up front costs involved.

I wish you well.

[sanmagic7]

well done, a.a.  i think you have a good game plan, and wish you all the best in your new identity, your new being, and your new life.  lovin' it!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi aphotic
Very inspiring reading your post ..
How has it been since then for you ?
Did u move out