New to forum, new to trauma acceptance*possible TW*

[EmilyNobody]

New here, new to the necessity of embracing truths I've spent decades trying not to accept, not to own. I'm still fighting every day to accept my past, including its fragmentation, its gaps. I'm hoping this can serve as the space I need, proof of language.

I always called it anxiety and depression, then later there were terms like BPD and panic disorder. There were doctors who never believed me (a big trigger, not being believed), forced meds. There was more trauma, more minutes lost to the middle distance. More cutting, more ideation, more days without eating. Then the attempt. It all compounds.

I could--can--feel it in my chest and stomach, the morning panic, but I didn't know why I never felt safe or at home. I am still working on understanding myself, both my priviledge and my trauma. I am still working on using terms like "abuse", "neglect", "assault".

Once I counted the layers of truth like tree rings, I felt the dead heart beneath. And this is where I spend a lot of days--I call them good days--days I can accept even some parts of my past as real, accept the present moment as real; accept myself as real, and maybe, someday, maybe, worthwhile.

[California Dreaming]

Welcome   For years I have used the more clinical term "developmental trauma." Now I call it abuse! Developmental trauma simply does not allow me to adequately express the horrors of my abuse... sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and religious-sexual abuse at the hands of my nuclear family and a vile predator. Hopefully, as a group, we can inspire each other to stay the course on our recovery journey. Perhaps you can be nourished in such a way that your heart comes alive. For me, it is one day, and at times, one breath at a time. I have learned words to use in describing my emotions like terror, panic, unthinkable anxiety, unbearable pain, despair. Fortunately, I don't experience these feelings as often as I used to, but I still experience them depending on the nature and extent of a particular trigger. Unfortunately, most doctors have not come close to experiencing what you/we have experienced, so they do not know how to care for us. I believe in you and the rest of us! We all are worthy of being loved

[Dee]

Emily,

Welcome.  I read your post as you are moving forward.  I look forward to having you a member of our community.

Dee

[Kizzie]

Hi Emily and a warm welcome to OOTS      I found that finally finding a name for my symptoms was the point where I finally started making some headway in recovery, The "Name it to claim it" effect.  Not everyone knows about CPTSD yet unfortunately,  including physicians and mental health professionals, but there are enough research data, books, etc., out there that this will (hopefully) not be the case for too much longer.

I found it took some  time to wrap my head around trauma and abuse and found I needed to take it slowly.  Initially I wanted to rip the bandaid off and be done with CPTSD, but it was too much.  We all need to go at our own pace, I just wanted to make the point that it can go slowly for some of us.