Bpd's and npd's are soooo triggering for me. Does this ever go away?

[fairyslipper]

This is embarrassing.......but I am hoping someone can maybe help me with it. Because so much of my trauma surrounds a lot of abuse due to an npd/bpd mom, and npd brother........as soon as I pick up on people having traits to the extent my parents do.....it drives me crazy  ... for example on facebook I see so much of that behavior. There are people, quite a few actually on my friend list.......hmmmm.........that seem to always be complaining or doing something to get some attention, and they get so many responses from people.....like they are their little minions......or people that have to post a lot about their latest accomplishments.........and then sit back and bask in the glory and admiration.... I am starting to feel like maybe facebook is a nasty trigger for me....which is unfortunate because I need it for my business.  I don't bow down to these people at all, but can spend days obsessing about how they are....how they act....what motivates them etc.....which is really stupid and a flaw of mine........can anybody relate? I am sure it is because of things from my past, but I would love any insight anyone might have.... if you have struggled with it and what you did to help heal yourself from it. It is an unhealthy distraction and waste of time. I don't like how easy people I honestly don't even know....can get under my skin....Thanks!

[Kizzie]

I hear you!  Ihave on more than one occasion quit a job or left a group because of a PD person Fairyslipper. It's crazy how much they can get under your skin, you're so right about that    

Thanks to Out of the FOG, I get it that you can't win with PDs, they don't behave like you and I, and there is no point in trying to change them.  While I am still triggered by PD behaviour, nowadays I try to move away or let it go for precisely the reason you suggest, it is a waste of my precious time and energy.

So my advice FWIW is to decide that your time is worth much more than all the PD craziness in the world, let it go when you encounter it, and do something that is life affirming rather than a needless and pointless draining of your energy. 

[fairyslipper]

Thank you Kizzie  Just knowing that I am not alone in these feelings really helps me. Although I can blame it on my past I also think it can be a bad habit, or learned habit for me  to do this. And anything learned can be unlearned. 

I love your advice especially the "move away." And just knowing that you were able to get to that point gives me hope. Thank you

[Kizzie]

You're so not alone in having those feelings!   It's hard granted because PDs are so skilled at getting what they need and we're well trained to respond but we can unlearn that response as you suggest.   We just have to tune into what we're feeling and when the big old PD vacuum starts to suck us in hit the DISENGAGE button!

[schrödinger's cat]

I've so little experience with true PDs, so there's nothing I can tell you there. One thing I'm coming to suspect, though, is this. If the pain associated with something is still raw, then things will remind you of it all the time, and every reminder is going to be painful. As the wound scabs over and slowly begins to heal, that won't happen as often, and if it happens, it won't be as bad as it was before. That's how grief works, and it's how physical injuries heal, so why not this? I'm hoping you'll move from "GAH!" to "oh, that again" very soon... it sounds so difficult, having to expose yourself to something that triggers EFs all the time.

But facebook is weird, isn't it? It's like the whole format is expressly meant for everyone to preen and show off their prettiest peacock feathers. "Look how often I exercize!" - "Look at the wonderful parent I am!" - "Look at me travelling to exciting places!" It always reminds me of my kids: "Look, Mum, no hands!", "look, Mum, I drawed a smiley face!", that kind of thing.

[fairyslipper]

Gosh, they really are skilled ha ha......like they all use the same guidebook. When it is over and you are looking back, you see so many similarities between all of them. When I start to feel like a friend reminds me of my mom.....now I know that I know it is time to run and not look back! Thank you.

You are so right S Cat.......I think the weddings of both of my daughters, our first holidays with them away and the friend being the way she was just stirred up a lot. Also my youngest married into a family with an Npd mother.......so there were a lot of things pretty close together. Along with a new to me loneliness.... I believe what you are saying and am feeling that is what will play out.......the dust will settle, a scab will form and life will get back to normal with regards to that....and hopefully the triggering will ease  up. Yes  facebook is very weird. I have been spending less and less time on it the last few days and really don't miss it at all. Better things to do with my time! I can so see the comparison with little kids too, you nailed it!  Thank you.

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for saying that. I was very nervous about posting this. It's sometimes so very unhelpful to hear this while you're still in the thick of things. Or at least that's how I feel when I'm reminding myself that things pass over: there's always a part of me wailing: "yes, I KNOW, but it's not true this time - this time, it will go on forever!"

[fairyslipper]

 

You are absolutely right in everything you said. And where other people are concerned I do believe I have some control over how much I expose myself too, and therefore how much more raw I let things get. I have really been working on that lately and thinking about it even more today. Kind of rethinking my "friend" list.  We had something very sad happen to us over this weekend and I had nobody that I could go to and just talk about it........yet I have been there for so many when they have gone through similar things. It just really gets you thinking about where, how and who you invest your time in.