Hi. Not sure where to start

[JustTired]

Hi. I'm on the other site but thought I need to post here as CPTSD figures largely in how I deal with stuff... and I'm dealing with some serious stuff right now.

My mother was NPD. Verbal abuse and emotional neglect my whole life. I was the scapegoat of the family. Abused a lot for being "Fat" - i was given an ab-exerciser as a gift by my mom and her brother when I was only 6 years old - it's my earliest memory actually. I currently am borderline obese and am getting treated for a binge-eating disorder. Mom attempted suicide to try to get me to get an arranged marriage. We didn't speak directly for a few years after that but then slowly started a few years after I got married with what I thought were healthy boundaries. She got sick and died a few years ago. It was difficult at first but now I'm grateful. She was a very sick person and no one helped her get the help she needed. i was the only one who put up good boundaries that helped her a bit and i always got told off for it and then when I was older, was told that no one else had it in them to do what i did, whatever that meant.

The after effects of this kind of upbringing linger. I thought I was good for a time but then previously uncovered things came out when my kids got to school age. At first I had no idea what was happening - I just started overeating a tonne (I'm talking two fast-food breakfasts, two fast-food lunches, full dinners, etc) and felt like crying all the time for no reason whenever my mind wasn't busy, like if I walked down the hall at work to the bathroom, as soon as I stepped away from my computer and got up, that cry feeling was there. I think that seeing my kids in school was a big trigger for me and it juxtaposed how I know I was treated by my FOO against what I know is the right way to treat kids.

I ignored it for months then finally saw a counsellor from work and then a therapist. We started EMDR about 1.5 years ago and it has been very helpful. Currently she believes EMDR is done and that I need to work on skills-building to address my eating disorder and we are doing it via the Mind over Mood book.

Throughout this I distanced myself slowly from my FOO. I uncovered a lot of anger that I'd never felt before at my sister - she is older than me - and my dad, whereas in past it was just at my mom. So, the distance was necessary. I built my own life more as I healed - took up skating, started grad school, and just concentrated on my FOC - which meant less time and room for my FOO. It was going well, if slow. I had a lot of work to do to have a healthy relationship with my dad and sister. I couldn't let go of my desire to please them and prove my worth to them. THe story in our FOO was always that I was not smart, naive, too angry, lazy, all of that.

A few mos ago something came up to test me. My daughter (3.5) casually stated that my sister's teenaged son had molested her. I asked her a few questions and became very concerned. I spoke to a friend who is a social worker and then decided to call CAS. CAS reported it to the police. In between, I called my sister. I think I thought she would admit wrongdoing to me, I think that's what I wanted - but she was surprised, distraught, but agreed to speak to her son, and was also very upset with me for going to the authorities instead of first to her. I said back that I had to, as my DD was talking about it, and that if she said it at school, my whole family might be under investigation unduly. And, that I wanted someone to speak to her right away who was a professional and not us.  My sister spoke to her son who denied it all. She said she believed him. For some reason - denial? wanting my sister's approval? - I believed him too and started to question myself and what I had heard. I told the police I wasn't sure what I had heard. They turned it back to CAS and CAS came a few days later to speak to all of us. My daughter said nothing about what she told me had happened and CAS closed the case.

I called my sister to tell her what I thought was good news. She was still angry with me. We decided to keep distance. I was overcome with guilt and thought, mom was right - I move too quickly, I am too passionate, I don't think - and was distraught. I saw my therapist and did an EMDR and the guilt dissipated. I learned I had to do what I did and that to ignore what I had heard would have been criminally negligent at the least.

With the guilt mostly gone what remains is anger and fear.

Many months of anger at my sister and FOO. I believed that it is bc of the abuse I endured at their hands that I doubted myself. I also realized that the CAS closing the case doesn't mean that no molestation occurred, it just means that my daughter is safe from harm and that there is no evidence to proceed with any charges. Some days I have been so angry I've had panic attacks. Other days I miss my sister. I tell myself she's dead. The problem is, she's not, and we have a large enmeshed extended family with events to navigate.

I want to protect my daughter's privacy and I want to protect her from the possibility of further harm. I dont want anyone in my sister's family to be near my kids. I don't know how to do this. I don't think my sister should want me or my husband to be near her son, also. But I'm not sure.

I'm going to have to have some conversations going forward with my sister about how we are going to enforce a boundary to protect both our kids. The thought of it makes my breath quicker.

I don't know how to do it. Any help appreciated.

[radical]

Welcome, JustTired.

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you to get you to this place, and I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with now.  This world is so unfair.

Do you have ongoing support now, from someone who understands CPTSD and the kinds of family systems that lead to it?

You did right by your child, and it must have been all the harder to have never had anyone do right by you when you were abused as a child.  With a family like yours, that was so courageous.  It sounds like you acted instinctually, and it is really hard to do that when your instincts have been subverted by the abuse you have endured.

I know the way family scapegoating leads to the most profound self-doubt and confusion.

I wish I could offer more than words on this page.  Your story shows you have tremendous courage and fortitude.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you feel safe enough here to keep talking.

Warmest wishes

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, JustTired! I'm sorry you've had experiences that have necessitated you finding us, but I'm glad you're here.

If you trust your therapist enough to tell her these recent events, she may have some insight as to how to proceed, or maybe even a referral. I believe it's important for your sweet daughter to be able to talk to someone, too.

I would be hella angry with my sister, maybe my entire family, for their parts in all of this, and rightfully so. I hope this community gives you the sense of validation and empathy that I and so many others have received. Thanks for joining. 

[JustTired]

Thanks everyone.

My Dad is coming over shortly. My sister was going to tell him before the holidays that she and I are estranged. I don't believe that she told him why. He may bring it up. I hope I don't end up screaming with him. I hope I can hold my tongue, say my piece where necessary but mostly I want to see what he's going to say, and if he still deserves a place in my life. He almost cut me out of the family for something so trivial as not getting an arranged marriage. He has no idea what being a loving parent is.

It's clear, I see, how much anger I have at them all.

Some days I just want to cut off from all of them completely. If that is what makes me able to be healthy and stable, that's the best for my kids, right? I don't know.

I have told my T most of this. She thinks that forcing anything out of my DD isn't wise and to just be stable and continue doing fun and routine things with them. She believes that the uncertainty of it all - of wondering if she was indeed molested but having no proof - is something I am going to have to live with and find peace with bc in spite of the uncertainty, I did the right thing and am committed to doing the right thing even if it means I have no sister. The difficult part is navigating our shared extended family particularly in the context of my anger and being afraid that I have to miss out on things when my sister and her fam should be the ones doing it.

I also have a sister in law who used to work for CAS whom we recently shared all of this with. It has been very helpful. Wish i 'd spoken to her sooner but guilt and shame were overarching everything once I spoke to my sister.

It is an ugly part of me to consider why I called my sister after CAS. I should have just let it be, then I wouldn't have been influenced by her and questioned myself. But I know the reason why is bc I wanted to prove to her that I am better. I didn't expect her to do what any mother in her situation might have done. This is the part of it all that I suppose I am learning the most from.

I'm tired.

[Blueberry]

Welcome on here! 

I can imagine you feel tired with all that going on.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi just tired and welcome glad  to see you here ..
I can relate to the eating my bingeing started a young age and I now have good recovery , I got this through12 step recovery foodaddicts.org. I have found / find it such a good programme and now I don't binge which is nothing short of a miracle. 12 step programmes address physical, mental and spiritual recovery and I have a lot of support