Labels for What we Suffered

[M.R.]

This is a Trigger Warning thread.

Trigger Warning SA

As a child when I was going through my own private *, I had no idea what I was going through all I knew is that I didn't like it. As I started to get help and 'understand' what I had suffered the labels of abuse, neglect, rape, sex trafficking etc helped me to say, "This is what all that was." And the labels served me well for many years. I had trouble looking at my own 'family' like abusers, rapists, etc, but I could label what it was that they did.

I've realized that recently I have twisted the labels. Because I feel like I'm suffering like I did before, my past seems more "real" and more "normal" than my reality now. Even though I am not getting hurt, it's just my body and my mind are back there. I react like I did back then...to an extreme level. It's frightening to those around me and it's causing me a lot of anxiety and stress.

I don't know how to explain it, :/ , it's like I can think back and those memories and feelings feel more real and more like what I know. It's kind of like if you do something for years and then all of a sudden you do something different. The thing from before feels more normal and more like what you know. That's what is happening with me. I look around me and some days I can't remember why I live here. I wake up and expect to be back in that house, not here with my father safe...

And while those labels helped me, I don't know what is what anymore. What I remember feels more real.

Trigger Warning

Melodie

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, yes. When I get into an EF, sometimes it helps to remind me of the date, where I am, my current age, what happened today and other similar strings of information. Sometimes I mistake of being an age years back. Sometimes old nicknames come by. Old events come running pass, and I struggle to be in the now.

It sounds like the labels thing is a loss of words many people in trauma experience. In EFs, it's been studied that the language part of our brain deactivates to some extent and we're overcome by pure feeling. That's why we tend to believe some shocking things despite the evidence — we lose the words to make sense of our experience.

But as you post here, you can give words to your experience. One by one . . .

[M.R.]

Thank you Decimal. I am just learning about EFs on here through posts. I never knew such a thing actually happened. So while I understanding logically what you said, I just don't know. :/ I still appreciate you taking the time to respond and I'm not trying to say that I don't believe you, I just don't know much about EFs. That's going to be something I'll have to research and talk to my Dr's about.

MR

[BlancaLap]

What DecimalRocket said. Also I know how it feels, it is the same for me. I often have nightmares about being young again or being in the same place as I was... Even though I know I'm not there anymore, it is like my body and my brain don't recognize it, it feels exactly like everything is happening again even though it isn't. It is horrible, I know. You will get through this. Best wishes.

[M.R.]

Thank you Blancalap, I figured that there might be others, unfortunately. :/

MR

[ah]

Me too, and also I now recall reading in a book about PTSD that people seem to feel more alive when they think of their past, their traumas. But when they have to stay in the present, even though it may be safer, they feel less real.

The explanation given I think was that safe daily life can be triggering in itself for traumatized people, which the researchers were surprised to discover. It makes sense, though... I can get very triggered by the smallest daily things, that most people would consider soothing but to me they are just reminders of what I had to go through.

And, a traumatized brain doesn't know the traumas are in the past. As far as the brain is concerned it's all still happening right now, because our fight / flight response was never shut off, it just stayed chronically "on", which is trauma. For me it's like that too, especially when I'm triggered and things come rushing back. Usually I have no idea I've been triggered, I just realize it after the fact because I'm so lost in the past I can't get out of my head.

Hope this helps 

[Andyman73]

Labels
😰 yeah. 

[M.R.]

Thank you Ah and Andy for replying.

Ah, I get triggered in my daily life a lot also. It was really bad at a point and I did EMDR and that helped a lot. I was still triggered, (or what I call, "having flashbacks/memories), but it wasn't nearly as much and I could function a lot better. It's back to being bad, but not as bad as it was years ago. I can't cook or clean without a flashback, and when I go get the mail ads will affect me also. So I'm kind of at a loss. :/

Andy, yeah I'm not really a fan of "labels" in general, (I've never really easily fit in one) but I used to find the labels of my traumas useful...Now I'm wondering why they aren't helping as much. I've discussed the fact that I've been spacing out and having a lot of "out of body" experiences with my T...I think I might be dissociating to a certain degree about what I've suffered. Which doesn't help just makes me feel crazy...haha...sigh

MR

[Andyman73]

MR,

Not sure if labels themselves hurt me, I think maybe what is being labeled is what hurts me. I can't really grasp or understand without them.  I don't need them to form my identity. Just so I have names for what I went through, am going through, and what I'm feeling.    Just need something, you know? Right now I'm really struggling with the idea of physical child abuse.  Because I had 6 years of physical and many more years of verbal, emotional and mental abuse.

Yeah, space out and out of body....I know them too.

Andy