Others who's core trauma was in first year or two of life? (Trigger warning?)

[Quiet]

I'm fairly sure this is also me.  I do not remember any specific incidents, but I have put together that MOO was away for about a week for a medical procedure before I was of an age to have memories.  She said that after she got back I was clingy and inconsolable.  I suspect FOO was verbally abusive / negligent during that time.  I cannot remember a time when I was not anxious and afraid of him.

[Blueberry]

I'm particularly interested in hearing from those whose primary trauma was in-utero or during infancy about which they have no memories since it was too early.  And especially around neglect and abandonment, as that the thread this is posted in.

Who else has suffered from very beginning of life due to inability of the primary caregiver to provide any secure attachment when you were first born?  What has your journey been like?

I can speak to this a bit. I have a lot of clear memories from the time one can remember, but I know there was earlier stuff too. I know for instance that B1, who is only 16 months older than me, used to be physically abused by M when I was an infant. He said so, F said so, M said so. So I presume it's true. Being the baby, I was spared (at that point). But nobody in FOO thought about the possibility of a baby being frightened. How does a baby (or small toddler) know she's not next??  Witnessing violence can be enough to cause PTSD. Once a child has PTSD in that kind of environment and without any help, CPTSD won't be long in coming.

Worse, the fact that B1 was abused was somehow reason to allow him to beat me up for years, which he did. The excuse for not protecting me you were spared when he was small was trotted out (along with the usual "you're difficult, stupid ) So that reminds me of what was said to you Gwyon, about "we all suffered but you didn't, you were too young".

For various reasons, possibly intergenerational, M seemed to sort-of-reject me at birth. Not really. But sort of. People often say an older sib will be neglected when a new baby arrives on the scene. In my case it was more the other way. I don't think I was physically neglected, but M was just much more interested in B1 and his development. Apparently I could just be left to lie or sit and didn't need attention, in fact in the eyes of M I was a "boring" baby, "never moved, slept all the time". Not even noticeable in the womb.

A midwife told me that when pregnant women say the fetus hardly moves, isn't noticeable, it's because there's a bond lacking between mother and child. She had been able to introduce a connection between mother and child while baby still in utero on various occasions. And then the baby in each case became more active or at least more noticeable. While there is some conjecture here from me, i.e. I'm piecing some of this together,  I'm sure that if you interact more with your baby, she will with you too, but if you're totally involved with the older child, then, well, maybe not. But yeah, go ahead, blame the baby. Over the years some therapists have suggested that I made myself as 'unnoticeable' as possible from a very early age, possibly from infancy.

I don't know what my core trauma is though.  Plenty came later which all could have lead to problems with attachment.

My journey: I'm approaching 50, have had depression since at least the age of 7 if not earlier, and have been in some form of therapy or counselling or just "working on myself" for most of my adult life. I'm single and always have been. For a long time I thought my problems started at 6 1/2 - 7 years old, but through therapy I realised that I'd never been very happy or securely attached, it's just that things got really bad at 6 1/2 - 7 years old.

[Gwyon]

Thanks all. It's informative and validating to meet folks with similar stories & challenges.

[camille13512]

Did you also feel "wrong" from your earliest memories? What are some of the ways it has manifested for you? When and how did you first recognize that the timing of your trauma was a key factor, and start forgiving yourself?

I might be able to connect with this. I don't really have a defining moment or a "core trauma" that I know is the beginning. All the fractions of memories I have from childhood where I felt mistreated already passed "that moment". I can only infer that something wrong happened early because of the long existence of my symptoms. My earliest memory about pleasing others to avoid being punished went back to when I was three years old. I would agree to join those role play games where I was the slave and the other kids were masters (don't want to go into details there. It is more emotionally humiliating than anything physical.) And it was consensual, meaning I agreed to everything, even though I was and am utterly disgusted by myself. As soon as I started going to school, I felt if I stopped working or trying to please the teachers and other students, I would not survive, or worse, I would be tortured forever.

It might sound silly, but the moment I realized that something was actually wrong was when I found a video created by OOTS on youtube, which listed symptoms of C-PTSD, and I just matched myself to it one by one. "So these are not 'personalities', but actually symptoms." These were my thoughts, and then I tried to start digging and got some more details from my mother. She told me that when I was just born, FOO said he would never love me because I was a girl. He returned later to apologize to her but maybe the damage was already done. And when I was six months old, I was sick but couldn't swallow the bitter meds, so my FOO forced it down on me and I nearly choked to death. She also mentioned that sometimes when I returned from day-care/kindergarten, my arms and hands would have scratch marks presumably coming from other kids. So I guess those are the earliest "wrongness" that happened to me, and I have zero memory about them. Otherwise the illogical fear and everything else seemed to exist since "day one". I've read from other people's comments that symptoms can still be improved without knowing the source of trauma, but I am very confused about "how". 

[M.R.]

I too, unfortunately, can relate to this thread.

This next part has a trigger warning, and while I will not go into details I just want to make sure everyone has a proper warning.

It started for me actually before I was conceived. :/ My mother already had three sons in her early 30s when she met my father. My father having his own past wanted to be married and settled before he had any children. My mother had different thoughts. She quit the birth control she was on and convinced my father that all was safe while he still thought she was on it. Needless to say I was conceived. (Which hearing this story made me feel like a pawn for her game from the very beginning.)

Once I was born, my mother was excited..until the new baby feeling wore off. From then on my brothers beat me (even in the soft spot on top of my head as a baby), dragged me by my limbs and picked me up my hair, etc. And my father tells me that my mother would always tell him that I was a beauty and would be great at getting men to do what I want them to do (which would play a role in her future plans).

And then at 18 months she kidnapped me in the middle of the night for 10 years. Moving every time my father would find me and make contact. And I lived in her world for those years. I won't get into details. Maybe sometime, I don't know.

This is the end of the trigger warning.

This has caused me a lot of problems, some I haven't even realized or been diagnosed with. I have ended up with PTSD, C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, Panic Attacks, intermittent explosive disorder in adult among others. In the beginning of the healing process I had severe Stockholm Syndrome.

While I am in the middle of all of it...still, I would not wish this for anyone. And it saddens me greatly that so many can relate here. In case you haven't heard this in your life, I'm sorry for what you went through.

Melodie

[nickressurected]

I was spearated from my mother at 18 months, I did a hallucinagenic medicine that showed me waking up in the morning and she was gone.
I was stuck standing in the corner of my crib looking at the open door of my bed room. It sucks, never having a proper opportunity to separated an form my inner strength separate from her. But I beleive I can do it now. Im 33.

[deptofhearts]

hi Gwyon, yes indeed - I have so many similarities to your story.... my dad was highly unpredictable and "mentally ill" booted my mother in the stomach late in her pregnancy with me (I get triggered by jolts and frights - which happens all the time in normal life, really sucks!), and my mum put up with lots and went into a serious depression for a while after I was born - she got a bit better and left him - involving the police and restraining orders... yet my mother was still distant - emotionally unavailable, couldn't process her own stuff let alone bond with a baby who needed lots of nurturing, as babies rightfully do.  Adding to this a certain sense of doom in the form of pre verbal sexual abuse (the body knows etc) and I have been left with soooo many symptoms and triggers. Although it seems as though I am doing well... underneath I still am confused by emotions - for so long was on autopilot and am very scared (aka, cannot) reveal my true thoughts to others for fear of rejection and shame. Pretty sure this points right back to lack of healthy attachment and trying to survive by being a loving non-needy kid so I would have my mum. Ahhhh am floating away now, get the dissociation when I first read your post - and came back to it to respond. But - yes, me too.  And keen to hash out the long shadow this crap has cast. I am shocked and saddened by everyones stories here. Why do people do these things....? (no answer needed, there is none)
I was abused and hurt but couldn't do this to my own kids. oh thats the other thing - strangely my *empathy* went through the ROOF as a child, for others - especially children. Became protective and a defender - even for kids older than me. Still like that now, people getting picked on or bullied. Sensitive, hypervigilant - yet numb  and confused. 
Anyways - high fives, such an eloquent and insightful thread this is.

[Blueberry]

Ha, yes. I had empathy for other children, sometimes, anyway. Where my parents said I was getting too involved emotionally in others' lives and problems. 

[deptofhearts]

blueberry - ahh interesting.  yah then I also had a jealous/mean streak too - surprising when it would show up but it was rooted in being rejected and feeling inferior.

[GoodSeedOfTanit]

I'm new and more than a little terrified. Yes. Yes, it was, well one of them. There's...a lot.
I know the egg donor didn't want children.
She had cats which she cleaned up after (toxoplasmosis), smoked cigs, drank, all through the pregnancy. I remember being in the womb...hearing muffled, angry voices...
She went back to work a few days after my birth, left me with my dad (and honestly I don't even know if he really is my dad...I'll leave it at that) whom she basically made quit his job and give up his drivers license...
They kept me high chair bound, in diapers, till I was five.
Neglect. I remember being in that awful high chair...begging to go to the bathroom because I was sick, vomiting everywhere, my dad laughing hysterically.
The great aunt egg donor cared for, had alzheimers...she was violent too. Egg donor said that the great aunt tried to drown me when I was two or three...why didn't she stop her great aunt.
I didn't learn to swim, due to paralysing fear...until I was 27. (I taught myself, thanks to studying the mammalian diving reflex...)
When I was 20 the egg donor told me she regretted not getting an abortion, when I was 10 she lost custody to another family member (ANOTHER source of great pain, another abuser....my family is full of personality disordered, cruel and psychotic women).

She never cared. The wound began in utero. She had cats, drank, smoked...because she didn't want me.

[Blueberry]

(Welcome on here GoodSeedOfTanit  I'm glad you found us and that you've posted, even though you're frightened.

I'm sorry that your early life seems to have been very very neglectful and abusive. On here, we care about you!  Feel free to post more when you feel ready, but do go at your own pace.)

[Three Roses]

We really do care, and I'm so glad you are here. Are hugs okay?  If you are okay with one.

Many of us here can totally relate. Telling your story here is not at all like telling it "out there". We will believe you, we've been thru the wringer, too.

[Libby12]

I just want to say how sad I feel to read all of the terrible accounts of childhood that everyone has been so brave to tell. So much violence and neglect to such vulnerable little children.

I think that my background is a bit different.

Firstly,  I was always told that I was a desperately wanted child, whereas so many others were not wanted at all. Nm had married very young, to the absolute love of her life (enabling F) ,  happy to escape a rather sad childhood with two older parents who weren't each others first choice of love.  She had two miscarriages and then had me.  Sounds as if it should have been blissful but the birth was difficult and she has admitted often that from day one of my life,  there was just nothing there,  no bond, no love, just emptiness.  She had admitted this quite freely, as has my F, but they can't see that this could possibly have had any effect on me at all.

GC was conceived six months after my birth,  and nm admits, very matter of factly, that she didn't want another baby as her first baby and motherhood in general was just such a disappointment.  However, she says that GC sister was just such a lovely baby that she made everything right. 

Probably sister was a better baby,  who knows, but maybe that was because nm felt so differently about her.  But whatever our differences, nm could say that the reason she did not love or even like me was because of my deficiency in my ability to love her.  GC sister loved her so the fault lay not with her mothering, but with me, a baby of only a year. Classic dysfunctional family all set up by the time I was 15 months old.

My life was then very, very regular physical abuse, whenever nm was in a bad mood,  which was most of the time. But, much, much worse was the emotional abuse.  It was all consuming. I can't even begin to describe it, there is just so much.

For me, the tragic thing is that all of this is fairly freely admitted by my parents.  GC sister has always refused any discussion of anything.   The issue is that they don't see that any of this could have impacted on my development at all.  When I raised the issues, when in my forties,  they just cut me and my children out of their lives for good.  They said they were perfect parents and I was just ungrateful and unworthy.   Five years on, we have been in absolute NC.

So, yes, core trauma started from birth and I realise now the extent of the damage done, which has ruined every aspect of my life.

My heart bleeds for all of us hurt and damaged little children.  Gentle hugs for all of us.

[Blueberry]

Oh Libby  that matter-of-factness is so awful. I can relate to both that and this "the baby - you - was to blame for lack of ability to love M" and M and F's inability to see how that could possibly have a damaging effect on you. 

[Gwyon]

deptofhearts, thx so much for sharing. A big yes to this:

Although it seems as though I am doing well... underneath I still am confused by emotions - for so long was on autopilot and am very scared (aka, cannot) reveal my true thoughts to others for fear of rejection and shame.   

Thank you too, Libby12

When the pain is deep down in your neural circuitry, how does one "rewire"?  Slowly, in any event...