Overwhelming shame, apologizing

[ah]

I don't know where this fits. I guess I could just label it IC and be done with trying to figure it out, it'd maybe make sense, but I don't know what this is. This isn't just my self hatred, it's deeper than that. I'm so disgusted at my behavior my whole life. I'm so ashamed I have no words for it.

I read about narcissists and psychopaths, and c-ptsd... and I think how my whole life I kept apologizing to abusers and accomplices. Over and over and over, I asked them to forgive me. I came back for more and wrote to say I was sorry for I don't even know what. Apologized to FOO and got either totally ignored or sadistically attacked for it, and I just kept going.

Apologized to my adult abusers. One after the other. Never knew what I was apologizing for so I just guessed what my sins were and tried my best. Went out of my way to meet each one and try to patch things up. What things?.. I don't know what I thought I was doing. I was so stupid, so pathetically shameful. I thought unending abuse was a misunderstanding to be talked about? What was I thinking?

I worked up so much endless stupid, unnecessary, crazy courage to talk to each of these people. They all enjoyed it and became more sadistic than ever, naturally.
Then when they still kept telling me and showing me how much they hated me I apologized again, again, again.
I tried it with another abuser, with another flying monkey. Kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... it kept repeating itself for years. Last time was a year ago. I'm so disgusted by it I could be sick. I'm so ashamed.

It'd be easy to label it: "I was brainwashed." "I was taught learned helplessness." "I didn't recognize I was abused." Sure I did! It felt like *. I knew perfectly well. I can't let myself off the hook with such childish excuses as though I have no responsibility or understanding.

What was I thinking? Where was I? Who was I?

[Three Roses]

No input for you, just

[Dee]

Was it perhaps someone that you loved so much that it was more tolerable to find fault in yourself than them?  It is just a guess, something I have been trying to deal with.  I struggle to find my innocence. 

[Gwyon]

Ah,

I recognize this very clearly. 

For myself I understand it in multiple ways: a desperate attempt, visceral and unconscious, to not be rejected and abandoned; a deep seated belief that I truly am "bad";  a broken and paralyzed inner child. It took decades before I was sufficiently independent and powerful to entertain the notion that I was just fine and my tormentors as broken.

The aversion you are describing towards your past self strikes me as a measure of the clarity with which you are seeing things now. I have many moments of looking back and thinking, "Who WAS that person inhabiting my body back then?" .... recognizable yet so puzzling, and maddening.

Gwyon

[AphoticAtramentous]

I know how you feel there, Ah. ^^

[ah]

Dee - oh, what a sane, loving, sensible way to look at it. I love you for looking at it from this angle. And oh how I wish that were the case. It sounds normal and logical. But I do it with people who are abusive and cruel. Like some circuit is connected backwards in my head, so cruelty makes me compliant and I have no "stop" switch, no point where I say "enough!" I really really hate it in myself.

I do it far less now, almost not at all in fact. But... it's such fertile ground for self hatred, looking back, remembering all those hundreds of times when I did it.

Really makes me feel like everything that they say and keep telling me about me and my horribleness is true. Looked at from the outside that's crazy behavior, begging your abusers for acceptance 

ApothicAtramentous - sigh, sorry that you do. And thanks for saying that you do. Well, you know what I mean. The sadness of knowing we're not alone...

Gwyon - I agree with every word. I think "tormentors" is also so much more accurate than "abusers", for me. They tormented and still torment me. I'd call them "torturers" if it didn't sound a tad melodramatic 

Yeah, I don't know who that begging person was. Not sure who this person who's looking at the begger with such anger is either. I wish my present self had a bit of compassion for past me. Past me was tormented non stop, after all...

Maddening indeed.

Thanks for understanding. I'm so sorry you do understand, though. It means you've gone through the fire too.

[sanmagic7]

you know, ah, at times i think torture is precisely the term.  i believe and feel i've been tortured by several people in my life, including my d.  actually, i just looked it up - intentionally inflicting great pain.  yep, that would fit.  nothing overly dramatic about it, just reality.

as i've learned, those 'childish' reasons for what we've done in our past are exactly that.  we got stunted into a childish brain loop, and could only react as a child.  kids who are scared of more abuse will often apologize over and over to hopefully make it stop, please their tormentor, or fix whatever 'must' be wrong.   they don't know any other way.

and even as adults, we can still be caught up in that loop until we experience enough recovery to gain a more adult level of understanding.  it sounds like that's exactly what's happened with you when you said you don't do it as much anymore.   so, you've been growing, which is a good thing.

hopefully, one day, this newly forming adult you will be able to look back on that childish you with care and compassion for what she went thru to bring her to such a state of constant apology.   all she wanted was for the bad stuff to stop, and she didn't know any other way, didn't have the power at the time to do it differently.

sending a hug filled with understanding and love.

[Elphanigh]

As someone who has, and still does experience this all of your responses have made me a tad bit emotional. Thank you, ah, for starting this post. I really appreciate your bravery in talking about this subject. I don't have much input, but a lot of understand and 

[Blueberry]

you know, ah, at times i think torture is precisely the term. 

Me, too. In fact I came up with this in another language to describe my childhood, decades ago. I wrote about it in my diary as being this word. I knew what the word meant in a visceral way but I didn't know its English translation till I looked it up one day and realised: I'm describing what was done to me in childhood as torture. That was very telling.

Oh I see you evenlooked it up san: intentionally inflicting great pain. M did this to me. And to other people. That was known,  she didn't hide it away. B1 did it too. That was also known. I think tormentor is a good word too for these people.

ah, the shame belongs with the people who tortured and tormented you. It is not yours.

I can't remember apologising. But I kept forgiving and saying that I'd done so and going back and then being hurt again and again and again. By FOO.

ah, I have a lot of compassion for you now and for all the past yous. A gentle safe 

[Gwyon]

Just to be clear, I wasn't intending to lessen the harm by using the word "tormentors". Although I do think torture implies an element of intent. Some of my torturers truly intended to do so... others were just broken and oblivious.

[Blueberry]

  to you too Gwyon.

[DecimalRocket]

I understand. It's easier to understand logically than to really feel it. The feelings are so deeply rooted inside you from your past that you can't help but feel them. I've had these my experiences myself.

I wish I had more answers and suggestions, but I guess all I can do is give you a  and say it's alright that you feel this way. All the hurts of your past is naturally going to make you like this . If seeing the example of hatred towards you is what made you this way, I hope seeing the example of kindness to you would change you towards something better — slowly, but surely.

[BlancaLap]

I don't know where this fits. I guess I could just label it IC and be done with trying to figure it out, it'd maybe make sense, but I don't know what this is. This isn't just my self hatred, it's deeper than that. I'm so disgusted at my behavior my whole life. I'm so ashamed I have no words for it.

I read about narcissists and psychopaths, and c-ptsd... and I think how my whole life I kept apologizing to abusers and accomplices. Over and over and over, I asked them to forgive me. I came back for more and wrote to say I was sorry for I don't even know what. Apologized to FOO and got either totally ignored or sadistically attacked for it, and I just kept going.

Apologized to my adult abusers. One after the other. Never knew what I was apologizing for so I just guessed what my sins were and tried my best. Went out of my way to meet each one and try to patch things up. What things?.. I don't know what I thought I was doing. I was so stupid, so pathetically shameful. I thought unending abuse was a misunderstanding to be talked about? What was I thinking?

I worked up so much endless stupid, unnecessary, crazy courage to talk to each of these people. They all enjoyed it and became more sadistic than ever, naturally.
Then when they still kept telling me and showing me how much they hated me I apologized again, again, again.
I tried it with another abuser, with another flying monkey. Kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... it kept repeating itself for years. Last time was a year ago. I'm so disgusted by it I could be sick. I'm so ashamed.

It'd be easy to label it: "I was brainwashed." "I was taught learned helplessness." "I didn't recognize I was abused." Sure I did! It felt like *. I knew perfectly well. I can't let myself off the hook with such childish excuses as though I have no responsibility or understanding.

What was I thinking? Where was I? Who was I?

It happens to me too, you're not alone in this.

[PeTe]

ah, you seem to be blaming yourself for the abuse you experienced. I'm guessing the abuse started early on in your life, and that you had to adapt to it before you could choose the best strategies (perhaps being dependent on abusers or not matching mentally and physically with an age difference to your abusers). It might be that you can let yourself off the hook for that at some point. At the very least, now you're starting to change, and that's great progress you can appreciate 

I've made many adaptations to abuse and neglect that don't help me as a grown-up, for example assuming that people will behave nicely or stop behaving badly without me standing up for myself  and I'm working really hard to change those adaptations.