I hate myself for getting things wrong *tw*

[songbirdrosa]

I've always been something of a perfectionist, for as long as I can remember. It's one of the few aspects of C-PTSD that I believe is still a part of my natural personality, albeit one that's been magnified a hundred times by my trauma.

*potential triggers from here on*
My father would regularly yell at me, and occasionally become physically violent, if I ever dared to make a mistake. He would nitpick at everything I did, making sure I knew exactly how terribly I'd messed up even for small errors. If he was in a good mood, he would only belittle me and call me things like stupid or lazy. If he wasn't in a good mood, I could expect swift and forceful retribution.

Being as I am, now I nitpick for him. I berate myself for not knowing something I think I should have. I run and change my career path if I mess up even once, genuinely believing that if I'm good at something, I'll never make a mistake. And heaven forbid if I should do it more than once! I've sent myself into depressive episodes simply by replaying things I've done over and over in my head, taking them apart and mentally flogging myself for what I consider to be simple and avoidable things. I should have done this instead, I should have foreseen that, that was a dumb thing to do. My IC certainly doesn't has a shortage of material to work with, and she is relentless. If I can't get it 100% right, 100% of the time, I might as well not do it at all. It's gotten so bad at times that I've self-harmed because of it.

Part of me is now aware that this is a coping mechanism, but I just can't shake it. I can't seem to not want to endlessly punish myself. No matter what it is, no matter how minor. My mind tells me that I must pay.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I really understand how you feel there. I probably relate to 95% of this. It can be so tiring... Trying to be perfect at everything. I'm so sorry for how you feel, how this has affected you. 

[Three Roses]

Wow, I really relate to this!! Feels almost like we had the same F. Big hugs and lots of empathy! 

[Elphanigh]

I can relate to all of this, although it was my M not my F. But even now I do those things to myself... 

[Blueberry]

I can really relate too. It was M and B1 in my case. B had way more authority and power in FOO than he ought to have had, so made a lasting impression too.

I self-harm almost every day, though I've actually made quite a bit of progress in my head. I don't automatically tell myself I'm "so stupid" etc anymore.

[DecimalRocket]

I relate too. I've criticized myself over and over . . . because I feared that making mistakes would make me helpless and unworthy of love.

Take care, songbirdrosa.

[Kat]

Perfectionism is tough for us for sure. For me it was: If only I cleaned the house to her liking. If only I made dinner on time without her asking. If only I didn't need anything. If only I...  Fill in the blank. It's such a trap.

I was talking to my Somatic Experiencing therapist today about not feeling hungry. She explained that it was too hurtful and dangerous to feel hungry, so I learned not to feel it. In order to be "acceptable," I learned to stop feeling hunger. It's all along the same lines. Be the "perfect" way and you will be loved. Ugh..,

[Hope66]

Hi Kat,
I just wanted to say that I really relate to what you said about 'not feeling' something as it was too hurtful and dangerous to feel that way - for me, it's temperature - I don't seem to be able to guage whether it's too hot or too cold - I just don't 'feel' those things in the same way as others seem to - and I'm wondering if my experience is similar - in that it was better not to bring attention to myself as a baby or young child, by reacting to things - and better to stay 'quiet' and 'non-complaining'.  Like you say "Ugh...'
Hope 

[Mussymel]

I relate 100% to this. I particularly empathise on wanting to punish yourself. I'm trying to answer her back more and say she's wrong but my IC is loud.