I hate any sign of lack of awareness — it means I can’t survive in life.

[DecimalRocket]

As a kid, all I really had to deal with many of my unseen problems was myself. Not my parents, teachers, friends or even online.

I often coped with it by researching and reflecting ideas on my own. I've made my problem solving skills and analysis as powerful as I could make it to survive on my own.

So to question my awareness is to question my ability to deal with life itself.

I keep focusing on not being aware of certain important things about myself and my situation in the past. I didn't know certain things about happiness, relationships, my own studies and so on — and it drives me crazy!

I had to know. I have to know.

What if there's even more I don't know?

[Three Roses]

Just be careful to move slowly, and I urge you to get professional help if you want to work on memories.

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket wondered: "What if there's even more I don't know?"

I used to feel that way. First, I sensed there was lots more that happened than I dare think about. Which didn't diminish my curiosity, as I figured unless I knew everything, how could I fully heal? Although I'd been in therapy many times, there was always this gap that I couldn't bridge, partly due to not finding a good T until a couple years ago.

Yes, there was more to be found. Yes, there still is. But no, what happened is less important than how I'm dealing with the overall picture--including the hidden parts which I know are still lurking out there.

But instead of desperately chasing all of them, I can work on what's already a heavy load with what I do know, and choose to just work on where I can go now. Revisiting the past isn't where I need to go. Although I'm still curious, the main focus of healing is the journey right now, in this time and place.

As to "fully" healing by knowing everything that happened, it's not even clear what fully would consist of; the known is already bad enough, and while I have returned and might still have stuff come up, I feel safe enough now to just keep heading forward. The past is, of course, is still needed background.

It's probably just a matter of degree more than anything--a balance of finding all that hurts and self-compassion and tools for the ongoing journey. The good news is how much further distant the old stuff is; but the bad is how hard it works to catch up. While I'm haunted by this, I continue to struggle to reach beyond it.

From what you've shared here, you are driven to finding things out, but worry that there's always more. There probably is; but what you do know for sure is that the present reality is even more real, and you can start from the healing already taking place.

What's lurking in the past was bad; you already sense that. It might resurface and hurt, but then you're learning that healing takes place in the forward direction. It took me a long time to cease searching for all that happened, until I found it was more exhausting than settling into what I can do with where I'm at now.

[sanmagic7]

i echo what both 3roses said about not going too fast - i've researched myself into an 8-mo. ef during which i was in crisis the entire time - and what wg said about focusing on healing in the present for now, something that's already begun.  it's something my new t has suggested to me as well - to slow down, cuz i know enough for now.

it wasn't something i really understood because it was a new therapeutic philosophy for me, so it was kind of confusing for a bit, but she hasn't been concerned very much with me 'telling my story' so to speak, which is very different from other trauma therapists i've heard from.  instead, she's had me quiet down and just be.

what this has done for me is allowed me to be open to whatever it is i might need right now, whether it's new info, different feelings, or a realization i hadn't had in the past.  it's like i've become a magnet, and pieces are being drawn to me instead of me going out to look for them.  it's feeling much gentler, even tho i didn't understand it at first.

as i've told you before, i researched all this to death as well.  i don't know that i'll ever know everything, probably not, but now i'm resting a little easier with that knowledge.  i am surviving better in life right this minute than when i was obsessed with knowing everything.  my energy force seems to have changed.

you will survive, d.r., even if you don't know that now.  you are a survivor, and have come so far already.  there will probably be some confusion as you let go of some of the lack of awareness, but that's a sign of growth to my mind.  it's a place of transition - you're not where you were, but not quite yet where you want to be.

it's ok not to be aware of everything.  i'm convinced we learn what we need - the rest is superfluous.  sending you a warm hug filled with peace of mind and love.

[DecimalRocket]

Three Roses — thanks for the reminder to take it slowly — I keep forgetting that. I can't seek professional help though — I've tried therapists before and whenever I came, I always found myself refusing to say anything. I figured I'd practice talking about things online first without anxiety — and I still get anxious and ashamed whenever I post here.

Woodsgnome, thanks for that. Basically, the healing has more to do with knowing less and moving on than knowing more. I knew this but it seems I've got trapped in the habit again. My mind is an incredibly restless place and it's difficult to stop it without anxiety. And even when I try to focus on the present, I can still feel the hurt in the background. I'll try to calm my constant analysis down and allow some compassion for the hurt. It won't always work, but I better try.

Sanmagic, thank you for those kind words. Honestly — the kinder the words to me, the more shame I tend to feel. But I'll try to take those words not only in mind, but in heart. Man, sorry for the trouble. I can handle anger, sadness, fear, hatred, disgust and those emotions way better than confusion. Confusion just sends me into hyperdrive.

My school schedule has changed for the new semester and I guess the change of routine also threw me off. I must have panicked at the lack of familiarity in my life and how I see it.

I'm the type of person who wants everything to make sense. But the lesson is to let go of that.

For all of you, I really did try to slow down though. I was having a pretty bad EF during what happened yesterday and I wrapped myself in a warm blanket as well as hug a really soft pillow. I tried to say whatever I could to myself to soothe myself. I'm still anxious now though — but more for my shame of not deserving this much help. I'm more familiar with this though and it doesn't cause as much confusion — the big baddie emotion. Because of this — I'm calmer now. Next time I'll end up this way, I'll remember your words.

One person before told me that my capacity to think is both my greatest strength and greatest weakness.

He had a point there.

[sanmagic7]

even allowing the kindness in can take practice, d.r. when we're not used to it and have been taught that we don't deserve it.  i've found this place to be great for practice on many levels.  i truly believe that love is what will conquer this beast, so i'm sending you a hug filled with it.  you do deserve it, and always have.

[BlancaLap]

I can relate to this.
First, it felt like I knew what was going on, but then, I started to "see" as I say it. Then I started wondering: is what I know now true? Is there more that I don't know yet? Because I started learning and things, truths, started coming one right after another.
I still have so much that I don't know.
I used to write in my mobile what I was discovering; you can do the same: it helps if you forget. I know at the begining in seems like you will never forget what you've learned, I used to believe it... but then, something bad happened to me, and I started to forget... I don't wanna scare you, I'm sure it will not happen to you, and I know it feels more safe to think that can't happen, and to feel safe is what you need right know, so please, do what I said (if you want) and I guarantee you that if you write it, you will not forget (I didn't write everything so I started forgeting), write everything, even the things than seem obvious.