Book Recommendation - The Assertiveness Guide for Women

[I like vanilla]

I just finished Julie de Azevedo Hanks' book The Assertiveness Guide for Women. I am recommending it here because I have been benefitting from the information, exercises, and advice in the book and think it might be helpful for others on this forum.

When I picked-up the book I had been expecting a typical list of suggestions for various situations: 'when your boss asks you to work overtime, here are some ways to turn the boss down'; 'when your children wish to borrow the car, here are some assertive ways of saying no' etc. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. There were virtually none of these suggestions in Hanks' book - she does include some helpful ideas on how to begin 'saying no' conversations but these are only in general terms which could be applied in most contexts and which are included only to help the reader get started on a difficult conversation.

While the book is not what I had expected, it is better because it is something different. In The Assertiveness Guide for Women, Hanks empowers readers by helping us to build a strong foundation to stand on while being assertive. Hanks uses attachment theory to help the reader learn more about herself, her interactions with others, and her communication style. Having this information is helpful because these underlying ways of being influence our ways of asserting ourselves, and our ability to do so. Hanks is descriptive rather than prescriptive, noting that those with avoidant style have a different approach than those with anxious style, and so each has its own challenges in being assertive without ever judging a particular style as 'right' or 'wrong'. She then gives helpful ideas on how to work with our own styles, overcome (or get around) the challenges, and even move toward a more secure style of being and communication.

Hanks also includes information and exercises on the differences between thoughts and feelings, and between needs and wants. She includes information on how to learn what our own thoughts and feelings are and what our own wants and needs are. All of these, Hanks correctly argues, are inherently important, but also vital in being assertive - how can we assert our thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants if we do not know what these are ourselves? (that, at the beginning has been an issue for me)

Finally, as the title suggests, Hanks examines the individual, and more importantly social context that creates particular challenges for women learning and trying to be assertive. Without stereotyping, Hanks recognizes that many women value relationships and often focus on these to the expense of our own well-being. She discusses this challenges and shows that we can have both healthy, assertive communication and care for self as well as healthy relationships. Indeed, she convincingly (and I think correctly) argues that it is only through our ability to be assertive that we can build close relationships with others because being assertive allows us to be honest about ourselves with others and so promotes closer connections with them. Hanks also touches on the difference between assertive and aggressive communications, where the former helps build well-being and healthy connections with others while the latter has the opposite effect.

Hanks' approach is based on solid science as well as her own experiences and those of her clients. But her approach is also compassionate and supportive. She has suffered these hurdles herself, as have many of her many clients. She understands that we are a product of our individual natures, our upbringings, and our societal context. She recognizes that if we are starting in a less-than-assertive place then that is not our faults, but believes that we can move beyond our less-than-assertive approach to healthier ways of being. For me, reading the book was like getting advice from a good friend or a favourite aunt who wishes me to do well and believes that if I have the correct information, some exercises to give me practice, and support along the way then I am capable of developing an assertive style that matches who I am, and that leads me to a more secure and healthy place of relating to and communicating with others. Rather than saying 'here is what you should say and do' Hanks instead says 'I know that you can do it, let me support you and give you materials that will help you get there'. I find the former approach disempowering - what if the boss does not follow the script? what if I can't remember my line? , etc. On the other hand, I find Hanks' approach empowering as she gives me the tools I need to move forward, advice on how the tools might work for me, and trust that I have the ability to use them in ways that work for me (and understanding and support if I sometimes make mistakes and need to try again).

Overall, I found that this is a solid resource both for learning how to be more assertive and also for getting to know myself as a person. Having been raised in an abusive home, I had been taught that learning either of these things was bad and wrong (and punishable offenses). This guide is tremendously useful in countering those messages and helping me to learn a healthier way of being and communicating in the world. I recommend it to others in need of such support.

[Three Roses]

Thanks!