My story: Is it my husband, or my childhood, or both? What next?

noname · December 04, 2014, 09:02:59 PM

I sort of know the answer to my own question in the subject. Somehow it doesn't help anything.

My journey started suddenly in September 2013. A switch flipped. I no longer had any feelings for my husband and it was a minor (though repetive) argument that triggered it. I had no idea what happened to me that moment, and assumed I had a brain tumor or something. Why would I suddenly have no feelings for my husband?

I started seeing a therapist in an attempt to understand. She was always 10 steps ahead of me, seemingly not too concerned about my predicament. She seemed to be waiting for me to decide that divorce was the only option, as if in her experience, that's how it always goes or something. She said my husband was exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior. I felt like an idiot for not seeing that myself, and went racing down that road for a while.

I started having panic attacks, and general anxiety was ruining my quality of life. I started taking xanax. I no longer recognized myself. I was a broken person, and I didn't know why. Passive-aggressive behavior from my husband just did not seem like a sufficient explanation to my broken state.

I told him I wanted to separate, because my anxiety was so high that I constantly felt like I was dying. I couldn't take it. I needed to be in a space without him. He didn't leave (we both agreed because of the kids), but ever since have not shared the same bed, and generally give eachother space.

We started seeing a marriage counselor in June. Almost immediately she requested that we focus on the trauma that I experienced as a kid. That it was absolutely necessary if we were going to benefit from marriage counseling. Great, I thought, it's about time I deal with some of my childhood.

Well, I was unexpectedly dealt a diagnosis of PTSD, and then CPTSD, and I spiraled a bit further.

So in therapy I have done some EMDR, which has been great. I feel better about some things. I also discoverd that my husband is slightly narcissitic, like in an emotionally immature way. He sucked the life out of me until I broke...and our relationship is what triggered my current state.

As a kid I was somewhat neglected. My abusive brother was my caregiver. Attempts to tell Mom and Dad about the abuse did more harm than good. I'm highly sensitive and lived in a war-zone. It was not good.

It made me a caregiver/fawn. I can see now that it led me to my narcissitic husband.

So today I am trying to figure out which way to go. Clearly I have a lot of work ahead of me. Can I heal in the presence of my husband? My feelings are gone. I can't help but place some of the blame on him. My kids are 6 and 7. They adore our family. They don't know what's going on because we don't fight. Our house is relatively peaceful because, well, I'm a FAWN!

So, thanks for reading. I'd love to hear any words of wisdom or advice that you think might help.

confident · December 05, 2014, 12:35:18 AM

Hi there, hawk --

First off, thanks for sharing your story. It seems like you've finally hit the wall of crap that was building up when you weren't looking. This is one of a few great places to get support while you're shoveling up the poo

you've endured a lot between then and now and searching for healing is the best thing you can do for yourself AND your marriage.

One of the greatest resources my T ever suggested to me was a book called "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. It really breaks down how our families of origin impact our marriages, and really every relationship in our lives. The patterns we learn, the behaviors we came to view as normal, and how these imprints from childhood show up in surprising ways in our marriages. I bet it would help you process a bit better why the sudden "I have no feelings for my husband" came about. You'll come to understand more about why your husband is the way he is, why you've experienced ups and downs yourself, etc. My DH read the book with me and is glad he did. If your husband has N traits, I'm not sure how he'll receive a book like that himself, but consider this a resource for yourself first. It will help you understand your own feelings and where those are coming from.

People here will have lots of compassion and advice along the way. Glad to have you here!!

BluHorse · December 05, 2014, 12:38:46 AM

Thank you for sharing. Welcome.

noname · December 05, 2014, 03:32:22 PM

Thanks everyone!

I will check out the book How We Love. Thanks for the recommendation. I am currently reading Pete Walkers book, so yes, that is how I came to the Fawn conclusion.

I agree that I should not make any major life decisions while my past is still controlling my present. However, I fear that one day my husband will no longer have the patience to wait for me to make a recovery, because his needs have been put aside for too long. I wonder if I'm just stringing him along, and making this journey more painful than necessary for both of us? I guess that part of my problem is that I have such a strong desire to feel the love and affection of a man (but not him), and wonder if not filling that void is slowing down my progress? Can the love and affection from another help speed up the process, or is it just a distraction? In other words, does all of the healing and nurturing need to come from within me? From Pete Walkers book, it sounds like a strong and loving partner can help a lot.

I wonder too how I can tap into my past, specifically the parts that I don't remember? Like I said, I have done EMDR and successfully processed two major traumas. I have more work to do though. Seeing family (both inlaws and mine) over this past holiday weekend caused me much anxiety. The anxiety had been cured for the most part (both from taking mirtazapine and from EMDR). So what do you do if you don't know exactly what is causing the anxiety? How can I resolve something from my childhood if I don't know what needs resolving?

I so want to keep making forward progress. Trying to be patient.

Hope4heart · December 29, 2014, 03:39:35 PM

I can very much relate to your post.

Welcome

noname · January 06, 2015, 07:24:03 PM

More on my story..
I want to start by apologizing because it seems I am still very much just looking for validation, and I have not contributed very much to others stories. I guess I don't feel like I have any wisdom to share, and I worry that I am attention seeking, and don't want to hijack others' stories with my own stuff.

So, with that out of the way, here is more information on my situation:

TRIGGER ALERT I said previously that with EMDR I was able to process two major traumas. The first one was the trauma of telling my husband that I wanted to separate (as stated previously, we didn't actually separate for the kids sake, but have since slept in different rooms), and the second was childhood abuse related. It seemed a problem that I was having, which was an unrelenting feeling of being being trapped in this marriage, was connected to both the childhood trauma that I processed and the trauma of telling my husband I wanted to separate.

Quick note on the trauma of telling my husband I wanted to separate: I was so scared and stressed about telling him that I hid his gun. I was an absolute wreck. I actually thought he might hurt me, even though he had never laid a hand on me, or even got physically aggressive.

What became clear to me was that my dealings with my husband seemed to be like reliving my childhood with my brother (the abuser). I became a fawn in both my childhood and in my marriage.

This is why I can't seem to find any feelings for my husband. The truth is that he is not abusive. Mildly narcissistic, in am emotionally immature way, but certainly not the sociopath that my brother is.

Is any amount of therapy going to fix my marriage? I am working on recognizing the fawn behaviors, and becoming more mindful and assertive, and I feel like I am making personal strides. But if my husband triggered me, and is still unaware of how difficult it is for me to feel strong and good with him, am I fighting an uphill battle that will not be rewarding?

Does anyone else see a similar "overlay" of past people with current people? Do you believe that one should listen to their "gut" when this happens, or do you think our "gut" needs rewiring?

I am really struggling to understand the meaning of this situation with my husband. I go round and round with the following:
1. I'm wounded, therefore I should not leave this marriage before I am at some stage of recovery
2. The marriage is broken, therefore we need to make repairs together and move on
3. My husband is a bad guy, therefore I need to leave.

Thanks for reading.

Kizzie · January 06, 2015, 07:49:03 PM

My first thought when I read your post was, "Are you sure you and your children are safe from your H?" If not then that would be my priority - making sure you are all safe.

If you really do think (feel in your gut) that it is your past overlaying the present and that yur H is safe and only mildly N, what about seeing a couples counsellor or would that be too much right now given you are in therapy? It is a major life decision you are trying to make in the middle of coming to grips with CPTSD so maybe adding another helping hand to the mix might be useful in answering the questions you posed.

noname · January 06, 2015, 08:14:22 PM

Kizzie thanks for the response. I understand how my post may have led you to ask that question. The trouble is that I am having a hard time trusting my instincts. I will say again that he has never done any physical harm to me or the kids. He is also not verbally abusive. The grey area is in regards to emotional abuse...mildly narcissistic vs. highly intelligent/highly functioning NPD? I can't decide.

I do understand the reason for the overlay, and it does relate to his NPD side, which of course sociopaths like my brother have.

The therapist I am seeing started out as our marriage counselor. But as soon as she knew of my childhood trauma, she quickly decided that the trauma must be dealt with before any marriage work can be done. She's fabulous. I see her tomorrow for the first time since before Thanksgiving. So I've put my "thinking cap" on in preparation. The hour goes so quickly that I try to make sure I have a list of items to discuss.

I want to ask her straight out, what her opinion is of our relationship? But I do not expect a straight answer from her. I do not think that anyone (except my girlfriends, of course:)) wants to allow their opinion of my marriage sway me. Oh, and about my girlfriends, I should probably say that they are supportive of my leaving him. Not in the ,"whatever makes you happy" way, but more in the "it's about time" way.

I am also looking for a wise old soul to tell me that no matter what happens, my kids will come through it OK. My psychiatrist reminded me when I last saw her of a few truths regarding my kids that I have to try to remember:

1. Protection is an illusion
2. treating them with respect and dignity (because they can see the lack of love in my marriage) is better than living a lie in order to protect (illusion) them.
3. they are not me

Kizzie · January 07, 2015, 01:51:18 AM

All the best tomorrow at your appointment NN, it sounds like you have a really good T who has your best interests at heart, and caring friends there to help you get through this

noname · January 08, 2015, 08:46:05 PM

So I saw my therapist yesterday. It was basically a catch up session. It was good to see her. A few things that I realized after posting on here the other day, and then talking about it with her yesterday:

1. My feelings are so depleted for my husband that I can see no other way, than to move on, and
2. The anxiety that I am still feeling on occasion probably has more to do with this fence sitting in my marriage than CPTSD.

So, it seemed for a moment that I had clarity. I felt grief, because I really think the demise of our marriage is a horrible thing. But I concluded that I did everything I could. And that I need to be happy. The problem still existed that I do not know what the story will be. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I also don't think I'm so broken that I just can't be with him. But what is it then? I need to understand.

And then suddenly, I am reminded that my husband has been telling me for weeks that he and our therapsit think he has ADHD. And, OMG, now I have to digest this. I guess I have to really look at this.

Suddenly it seems my CPTSD just took a backseat. Not only that, but the ADHD could explain what seemed to me to be mild narcissism in my husband. It also explains why I became so depleted. And it could all be solved by finding the right meds.

My head is spinning. This is such a rollercoaster ride. I was on the verge of doing the thing I have been dreading for over a year, because I could no longer endure, deny, or wish it away. The finish line was within view. And now the story is different.

Lord help me.

C. · January 10, 2015, 12:08:57 AM

As I thought might happen when I joined this community, I identify very strongly with your story...so many similarities I need not describe here. Not knowing the future and learning to be present in the moment takes time and practice. I applaud your sincerity and persistence. As for the news about your husband, it sounds like ADHD may explains a lot and adds new information that will take time to process. People also may have ADHD and narcissistic behaviors. In life I've found that if I'm not sure of a decision it's best accept that I need to give the situation time & patience...as difficult as this may be. I see that you have begun so many processes to heal including therapy, this forum, reading, etc. And you are doing so while your children are young. Many of us here would've experienced different lives had our own parents taken those steps. That is a gift you are giving to yourself and your children, whatever the outcome.

noname · January 10, 2015, 04:22:34 PM

Thanks C.! I'd love to hear your story...I'll try to find it in the welcome and introductions.

When I was in college and started taking psychology and sociology courses my mind opened up to the dysfunctional nature of my upbringing. Before that I didn't realize how damaging that dysfunction could be. I also understood how that dysfunction was without a doubt passed from generation to generation in my family, for who knows how long. Either everyone was to blame or no one was to blame. What a conundrum.

At the same time I was learning about evolution. I came to the understanding that the only thing that needs to happen within any species, in order for it to thrive (or not become extinct), was to produce offspring that in turn produce offspring, and on and on. So, although lots of strange dysfunction may occur within a species, none of it really matters as long as kids are born, and they have kids too.

My conclusion, with the above information in mind, was that the only thing that will put a stop to my own family dysfunction will be a strong will to do so. Without that, probably nothing would stop it, and my kids, grandkids, and great grandkids would one day think about how my dysfunction led to their own. I vowed that would never happen. From that point forward, I vowed to stop the dysfunction, for the sake of my kids and grandkids.

So anyway, I thought I had it all figured out. The day each of my children were born were the two best days of my life!

When I was told that I had cptsd, I was beyond crushed. I suddenly wondered if I was even capable of being a good mom. And wondered if I was in denial that I was actually harming my kids? It was too much. I lost my grip for a brief period.

I regained my grip, with new information, and I and my kids have benefitted from it. I now know what demons need to be fought hardest, and which ones are just a nuisance. My will is stronger now that I know what I'm looking at. Before, I was just fighting the ghosts of my childhood, without a clear view of how those ghosts were penetrating my kids life.

I remain hopeful about the outcome for my kids!

keepfighting · January 10, 2015, 04:56:10 PM

Hi, noname,

nice to meet you on this forum!

Quote from: noname on January 10, 2015, 04:22:34 PM
My conclusion, with the above information in mind, was that the only thing that will put a stop to my own family dysfunction will be a strong will to do so. Without that, probably nothing would stop it, and my kids, grandkids, and great grandkids would one day think about how my dysfunction led to their own. I vowed that would never happen. From that point forward, I vowed to stop the dysfunction, for the sake of my kids and grandkids.

So anyway, I thought I had it all figured out. The day each of my children were born were the two best days of my life!

When I was told that I had cptsd, I was beyond crushed. I suddenly wondered if I was even capable of being a good mom. And wondered if I was in denial that I was actually harming my kids? It was too much. I lost my grip for a brief period.

I regained my grip, with new information, and I and my kids have benefitted from it. I now know what demons need to be fought hardest, and which ones are just a nuisance. My will is stronger now that I know what I'm looking at. Before, I was just fighting the ghosts of my childhood, without a clear view of how those ghosts were penetrating my kids life.

I remain hopeful about the outcome for my kids!

I am totally on board with what you're saying here: I was and am determined that the cycle of abuse stops with me and will not be passed on to my children.

Here's a thread about this subject you might find interesting: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=183.0

I truly hope and believe that our efforts to break the cycle will not be in vain and that our children will not be burdened with the same FOG that weighed us down.

Kudos, kf

noname · January 10, 2015, 05:58:32 PM

Oh it's so comforting and still surprising to me how similar we are on this forum! It's probably the first time in my life that I am communicating with like-minded individuals. What a relief!

Thank you Keepfighting, for sharing the link to the other thread. Sometimes I think, if only the abuse never happened, what could I have become?? But then again, I guess I'm not so bad the way I am, and it's my experiences that made me this way.

I have a general theory (it's probably not my own, but I'm not sure who to credit for it), that when humans experience abundance, whether it be emotional, financial, or simply plentiful food on the table, we tend to abuse IT, because humans are (obviously!!) not perfect. And it's at times of abundance that times of abuse and dysfunction originate. Because of the absence of hardships, humans take things for granted and become greedy, or selfish, or narcissistic/vain, power-hungry, because the checks and balances aren't in place, because there is abundance, so why bother. And this causes the tables to turn, and a period of insufficiency ensues.

During the period of "insufficiency" we have the choice of fighting to overcome, or succumb, or maintain status quo. Unfortunately, if this theory holds any water, it means that hardship is what creates the character necessary to overcome. It seems to me that lots of us on this forum have the character required to overcome this time of insufficiency, but perhaps it is only because we first had to endure hardship.

C. · January 10, 2015, 10:47:03 PM

Your summary makes a lot of sense. I think of it at a cycle of "crisis" and "victory" that takes place for everyone in some sharp or form. I hope that as humanity evolves we can improve our emotional intelligence and capacity to parent/support one another. And yes, it is very exciting to be a part of that "change" as you and others on this forum demonstrate.

I appreciated your interest in my story. I created a short intro. on this topic, but I'll post a little longer summary in the future on another thread. I think you bring up an interesting point that hearing people's stories helps. I plan to look around more for such content, it's probably out there but work calls!

Have a great day everyone.