New here (introduction)... hopefully I am in the right place?

[warrior;93]

Hi there.
I am new to the sight and I am hoping I am in the right place. I am at a place in my life right now where I could use some encouragement and support. I have been attending therapy for the last year and was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD.

A little about me: I am 23 years old and am the youngest of four. I have had this expectation to be perfect since a young age from my parents. Most of their expectations (for only me) were almost unrealistic. They thought I could do no wrong, so of course I wanted so badly to not be held to a certain standard. I was molested by a family friend's son when I was 10. I tried telling my parents and they were not having any of it, they didn't believe me. I ended up in a physically/emotionally/sexually abusive relationship starting at 14. That lasted until I was 16. It was with one of my brother's best friends and it still amazes me how we were able to keep it from everyone. I didn't tell a soul about what he did to me, in fear of shame, blame, and abandonment. My parents are very black and white and we have many different values and beliefs. After hearing what they had to say about someone we knew getting assaulted I know they would not understand/believe me.

From there I seemed to spiral down. It's like everything I did wasn't good enough for them anymore. I was called worthless, a deadbeat, stupid, etc on a daily basis by my siblings and sometimes my parents. My older (half) sister has always been jealous/resented me since our dad "treated me better". Her husband sexually assaulted me while drunk one summer, when I tried to tell my sister about it, hoping she would be on my side.. she wasn't and denied it, despite the noticeable bruises. Things for me seemed to not get better. Until I found the most wonderful person when I was 18. He and I dated for 3 years, fell in love, and eventually got engaged. He was in the Marine Corps, and showed me/treated me like I deserved to be treated. Unfortunately, he was dealing with some pretty rough unknown things and took his own life the month after my 21st birthday. I was the one who found him. It has been excruciatingly hard for me. It's been about 2.5 years since I lost him and I am just now starting to really get into the grieving process with it. Since his death I have done/been/put myself in dangerous situations. I was sexually assaulted two more times on two different occasions. One being recently. I have no self esteem but trying to change it. Though it's hard to get close to people because I am afraid of abandonment.

[shadow]

Welcome Warrior I'm glad you have found this site, there is much to benefit from here, validation inspiration and company with some exceptional people to name just a few. There is a lot of information to help you on your way through recovery.

It is now time to start loving yourself, 

[Wife#2]

Warrior - I like the name you've chosen for yourself. It says a lot about how you want to proceed here. That's great to see.

Your story illustrates the destructive power of invalidation. Of dealing with people who refuse to see you for you and, instead, try to impose THEIR idea of who you are or should be. Of needing help and not finding it from the very people who should be first in line defending you.

I'm so sorry you've had to survive this! There are no words I can type which reflect how sad this makes me.

I'm an odd old bird and sometimes lyrics from songs jump into my head in certain situations. This one is from Annie the musical - 'Instead of kisses, we get kicked'. When you needed loving acceptance, you got neither!

I hate that you had so many, so very good, reasons to find us. Still, I'm glad you made it here. You've survived this far, that says a lot about the warrior within you. Welcome to a website that has actual people, some of whom have been there and done that and all of us who care about you and your recovery.

As you feel ready, join the conversations. As you need, ask for help and support.

[Three Roses]

I am so very sorry to hear about your background, the abuse you went thru, and most of all the loss of your loving partner. Words can't express the sadness I feel for that loss, both for you and for him.

Altho I'm sorry you need a place like this, I'm glad you've found us. We'll be here to listen and validate, and maybe even help some.

[Blackbird]

Hey Warrior, welcome 

I have a similar teen past and I can sympathise with the lack of self esteem. Hopefully being in therapy will help you, as your username states you're a warrior so I think you'll be able to crawl out of that hole.

Remember, none of it was your fault. Your responsibility lays on your recovery from your past, not on what happened to you.