Ef's and physical pain with therapy "TRIGGERS"

[killingGiants]

Today, and many days are like this... I don't know what to do...
I am in an on-going healing process... from chronic and extreme child abuse, abuse from others during my adolescence, and abuse into present day.
I believe in the highest good, for myself... for others...
why must I deal with all of the physical and mental and emotional pain of what was 'done' to me, for so long?  This is so unfair. It is not right for those of us abused and tormented to have to deal with this... even as I try to see 'them' as potential divine source, I  am not getting past the extreme hate and rage that I feel. Why? Just why?
I have done my very best to heal my whole life... and I still must deal with all of the emotional * that translates into all of the physical * as well. I hate them for this... I wish they would feel the pain and suffering, the helplessness, the fear, the confusion, all of the * up * they forced onto me... I never did a damn thing to deserve such... it was never my fault. Their hate for themselves, is too much for me to bear... I cannot and will not do the work that is needed for them. I have never been free... I have never known only me... and I do not know how to now. My life has turned into an embarasement for me... as though I can never do anything right... I have 'settled' for what life has thrown my way, and have done my best to do the best with the scraps of life. I am a good person, I am a powerful being, I am someone that was and is lovable... and even writing that, I feel unworthy. I feel like it is a lie. How am I to love myself, why do I have to figure this out... why did not someone else love me, and give me a decent chance... how am I supposed to let others love me... how can I be open to that... how can I even begin, and be safe, be truly loved. I feel over-whelmed with having to figure all of this out. I feel angry about it. I don't know what to do... and I just want something, someone, to show me how... to care to show me how, without wanting something from me that I cannot give as yet... that child in me needs help, and does not have the know how to give anything other than the bit of love from her heart and soul... which was never good enough. Always destroyed. Always beat down. Always hated.
Why did I have to go through such a thing as this? To tell myself that I have some purpose, feels like bs most of the time... fells like I am lying to myself again. I can never be anything that another would want... I refuse to be anything but me, damage and all. It is all I can do right now. It is all I have. And I feel so alone through this... so left out in the cold and lonely world... left to the hyenas of this planet. Left to be 'prey'... with no regard for the human being that I am... no regard for the innocent child that I was... no regard for anything...
I never meant anything good to anyone... just 'something to destroy and abuse', a * punching bag...
... something to take out all of their hate on. A something... never a someone.
To this day, I am not a someone... I am disregarded... nothing useful or to even think about... they don't care about anything about me... absolutely nothing. They cannot face me, for they would be forced to face themselves. I cannot get retribution, for even though they hurt me for years and years, I cannot press charges, I cannot go anywhere near them. They would lie and blame me still. Make me, the child out as the one 'who wanted' what they did... I asked for it...
I am supposed to be a woman... I am a traumatized child still... I am supposed to be in control of my life... yet, the damage done still dictates and controls my life... If they had actually just killed me, then this would not be. She wanted to... why did I live through such a thing? Why? To what end?
I was under their 'sufferage' because I existed... and because I exist, I am still under the sufferage.
Help...

[Blackbird]

You're a whole person. You're someone to me. This shall pass, it will get better.

We can't play the blame game forever, we know it's their fault, we know they have issues to deal with, and we wish we could put them all in a group and just point our fingers at them and have the higher ground while they're humiliated for doing what they did to us.
But they're human beings too, our best comes out not when we forgive or forget but when we truly come out as above it all.

I know you can do it. You're strong! 

[killingGiants]

Thank you Blackbird...  I have been on my 'path' for quite some time, intellectually I know what you are saying... Sorry to have vomited, but I could not  get 'out' of the EF and Somatic flashback ... Thank you for your support This is alot of work... and I am digging really deep to work out the resentment/rage... I found a writing technique, James Pennebaker, and applied this to my writing for that day, coming from a 'distance' perspective. Using she and her instead of I... and it actually helped with lowering the emotional intensity... I think the main lesson for me with that writing, is that when we are in the EF's and Somatic flashbacks, we are in the same 'cognitive' place of that time... We could not 'think', but we felt every thing, especially panic that cannot really be put into words... and I am a Writer   For me it is not about blame... I certainly did not want that to come across, it was mostly the pain and resentment... all of the 'time' and 'work' I must put into this, instead of this just being 'healed' forever I know... Thank you again Blackbird, much love and peace to you always, L

[Blueberry]

I found a writing technique, James Pennebaker, and applied this to my writing for that day, coming from a 'distance' perspective. Using she and her instead of I... and it actually helped with lowering the emotional intensity... I think the main lesson for me with that writing, is that when we are in the EF's and Somatic flashbacks, we are in the same 'cognitive' place of that time... We could not 'think', but we felt every thing, especially panic that cannot really be put into words... and I am a Writer  

I have spoken about myself in the past in the third person, so "she" and "her family" and that kind of thing, otherwise I couldn't have spoken at all. So yes, it lowered the emotional intensity. Interesting that you find that too.

My work involves language and writing and sometimes I have been completely unable to do it because of being in a flashback, where a younger Me didn't have the vocabulary or writing skills or courage/competence to do the work. Very debilitating. I didn'T read all your post because not enough concentration, but my emotional pain turns into physical pain too. I can relate.

[Blackbird]

I'm a writer too, and I do have the tendency to spill it out in writting. That she and her idea is good, I might use it 

[killingGiants]

Hi Blackbird... I believe the 'distance' writing will help... even if it is something that you 'go back' and do after the initial spilling it out L