Finally Taking the Step

[shelley1023]

Hi everyone - I'm Shelley. I'm 39 years old and finally think I'm at the point I'm ready to say I can't navigate this alone.

I've known for years that so much of what I've battled to overcome has stemmed from my ongoing childhood trauma (and then emotional and psychological abuse in my choices of relationships, right on the heels of it), and I've tried so hard to help myself "get over it," as if sheer power of will could re-write all the things I've learned in mental muscle memory. I made a friend who's a therapist a few years ago, and she can't work with me since we're in different states. BUT, it took her gentle voice and quick recognition that I was hurting, bad.....  and her acknowledgement, when I started to share, that the things I went through as a kid were wrong.... and the shame that always threatened to take me under was wrong...  before I started to listen, finally. Started to step back and see that maybe I'd suffered decades under a skewed sense of worthlessness and a skewed sense of always trying to please people so that they wouldn't abandon me, since I was obviously worth abandoning... that kind of thing.

Anyway....  I always carried shame that IF I asked for help.... sought out a counselor or therapist... that it just proved I was the failure I'd always heard I was. You know? It took the failing of my second marriage (to a passive-aggressive narcissist) and a need for some kind of real change, to realize I want my life to be healthy, not constantly a battle for survival as the victim of things I can actually walk away from.... does that make sense?

So I'm just now starting a journey of trying to find a GOOD person to see. I haven't known where to start, terrified I'll just end up with someone who wants to throw medication at me or blame it on any number of things that don't address the root of it all. Scary as it is, I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it, which is what I'm scared will happen. Last night, a friend of my ex sent me a referral ... said it was just kinda on her heart to share with me. She has PTSD from a car accident, doesn't know much on C-PTSD, but she knows I've dealt with a lot of stuff (doesn't know my history). I guess she just picked up on it from the way I write (I'm a writer). It SOUNDS like her therapist is a good one.... and I hope so.

Just wanted to get myself involved in a community that gets it... so that I don't chicken out on this.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Shelley! I'm glad you're here.

... I want my life to be healthy, not constantly a battle for survival as the victim of things I can actually walk away from.... does that make sense?

Yes, what you say makes perfect sense.  I've learned so much about myself and CPTSD from the lovely people on this forum, and been met with nothing but valuation and understanding. I hope you enjoy it here, too. Thanks for joining!

[Hope66]

Hi Shelley,
Welcome, I'm glad you're here too.  This community is very friendly and supportive. 
Hope 

[bazou]

Hi everyone - I'm Shelley. I'm 39 years old and finally think I'm at the point I'm ready to say I can't navigate this alone.

I've known for years that so much of what I've battled to overcome has stemmed from my ongoing childhood trauma (and then emotional and psychological abuse in my choices of relationships, right on the heels of it), and I've tried so hard to help myself "get over it," as if sheer power of will could re-write all the things I've learned in mental muscle memory. I made a friend who's a therapist a few years ago, and she can't work with me since we're in different states. BUT, it took her gentle voice and quick recognition that I was hurting, bad.....  and her acknowledgement, when I started to share, that the things I went through as a kid were wrong.... and the shame that always threatened to take me under was wrong...  before I started to listen, finally. Started to step back and see that maybe I'd suffered decades under a skewed sense of worthlessness and a skewed sense of always trying to please people so that they wouldn't abandon me, since I was obviously worth abandoning... that kind of thing.

Anyway....  I always carried shame that IF I asked for help.... sought out a counselor or therapist... that it just proved I was the failure I'd always heard I was. You know? It took the failing of my second marriage (to a passive-aggressive narcissist) and a need for some kind of real change, to realize I want my life to be healthy, not constantly a battle for survival as the victim of things I can actually walk away from.... does that make sense?

So I'm just now starting a journey of trying to find a GOOD person to see. I haven't known where to start, terrified I'll just end up with someone who wants to throw medication at me or blame it on any number of things that don't address the root of it all. Scary as it is, I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it, which is what I'm scared will happen. Last night, a friend of my ex sent me a referral ... said it was just kinda on her heart to share with me. She has PTSD from a car accident, doesn't know much on C-PTSD, but she knows I've dealt with a lot of stuff (doesn't know my history). I guess she just picked up on it from the way I write (I'm a writer). It SOUNDS like her therapist is a good one.... and I hope so.

Just wanted to get myself involved in a community that gets it... so that I don't chicken out on this.

Hi Shelley. I joined the forum this morning and came here tonight not so much to post but more so to read about other people's experiences. I read your post and it struck a nerve. My experience right now is eerily similar. My journey started about a year ago when I started showing signs of PTSD regarding one specific event that I had suppressed for 20 years. That opened Pandora's box for me.

Like you, I always knew deep down inside something wasn't right. And it was because of what I had gone through as a child. But for 40 years, I did the "I got this" thing. Things like patterns in my relationships were frightening, yet I continued to pretend as I knew that if I admitted to being even more damaged than everyone already knew I was, they'd turn their back on me.  That if I asked for help, I'd be left in the cold.

The Pandora's box I opened finally lead me to reading about C-PTSD and being like "Holy wow, this is exactly what I've been feeling my entire life". I'm so tired of feeling this way. Sounds like you are too.

Anyway... nice to 'meet' you. And high-five on taking these first steps.

[joyful]

Welcome Shelley!
I love this place. It has been such a big help to me.

I really want to work THROUGH this, acknowledge it, and walk forward better equipped.... not just numb myself to it

EXACTLY!! Me too! Posting on here has helped me with this more than anything.