a bit confused

[sparki101]

I'm a mixture of golden child, problem child and lost child.

I'm not sure that I can give fill examples because childhood is blurry..but can anyone else understand the weirdness of being the kid in which the focus of the family revolves around and yet at the same time ignored. I'm not sure I can get my head around feeling so both controlled and left to it? I can't work out if I'm coming or going.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, sparki101!

Family roles are very confusing to me, too. I can see where in some ways I was treated as the golden child over my older brother, but I was also the scapegoat and later rebelled, making me the problem child. 

I read your other post too - I wasn't raised going to church but I can empathize with your experience as I've had similar experiences elsewhere. Trust is a slippery thing; so hard to regain when it's lost. Who can we trust? The truth is, every human is flawed and will let you down somehow, sooner or later. In Christian theology, the only one who will never let you down is God. Christians are only the embodiment of Christ if they are completely yielded to him, 100%, all the time, which is not possible because then we'd be perfect.

Trust whoever you feel is leading you on a path that brings you closer to God, without hindering you. But remember, no one's perfect here.

[bohemian butterfly]

I'm a mixture of golden child, problem child and lost child.

I'm not sure that I can give fill examples because childhood is blurry..but can anyone else understand the weirdness of being the kid in which the focus of the family revolves around and yet at the same time ignored. I'm not sure I can get my head around feeling so both controlled and left to it? I can't work out if I'm coming or going.

Yes, I understand.  And I don't know about you, but that is one of the reasons I question, was my family so bad???   I was taken care of, but like a potted plant or a pet.  Some days my mom would act like a mom (ie. make us blue colored pancakes shaped like Mickey Mouse ears)  yet on other days she was so submerged in her inner world (my father was a passive alcoholic) and angry, that I intuitively knew to hide in my bedroom.   

My mother was/is enmeshed with her children (me and my brother) and is invasive and controlling, yet as I've enacted medium chill, not once has she just asked, "is anything wrong?" like a normal person would.  No, instead she pouts and/or plays mind games.  She is playing a role.  The whole family is playing a game and unfortunately I've played for 40 years.

So again, I totally get what you are saying.  It feels so strange, doesn't it? I haven't felt like a separate person, I've felt more like an appendage.