Another Newbie - possibly triggerish post

[wildwordwomyn]

Hi. I'm new here. Never joined a forum before but I thought it couldn't hurt. I'm honestly not even sure if this is the place for me. I saw a youtube video once on C-PTSD and started researching. Out of all the mental health disorders out there it sounds the most like me but the truth is I don't see a therapist and most likely won't. I dissociate constantly, have weird emotional triggers, react viscerally to things but I can't tell you why, and I definitely have dissociative amnesia mixed with some depersonalization and sensitivities to certain senses. I can tell you that I believe I was molested by an older brother and that my mother was at times angry and emotionally distant as I was growing up and ended up blaming me. The one time we ever talked about my past she got angry that I brought it up, not that it happened or that she did nothing about it and its aftermath.

I can also tell you that one time as an adult that I left articles about depression and anxiety around for her to read. She not only never asked me why I left them out, she just threw them away and pretended there wasn't a problem. To this day she pretends. I'll be 42 this year and the only person I've been slowly training myself not to pretend with is my wife...

The main reason I'm on here is to find out if I'm the only one like me. Does anyone else dissociate so much that it's a permanent state? I'm always aware but things tend to get delayed. Emotions, actions, physical pain, learning new things, making new memories, recalling old ones. I believe that since this started in childhood my brain has rewired itself. Therapy has never really worked for me and neither has medication and I think this is why. I'm chemically changed somehow. Is that even possible or am I just crazy?

[mourningdove]

Welcome, wildwordwomyn! 

I'm always aware but things tend to get delayed. Emotions, actions, physical pain, learning new things, making new memories, recalling old ones. I believe that since this started in childhood my brain has rewired itself. Therapy has never really worked for me and neither has medication and I think this is why. I'm chemically changed somehow. Is that even possible or am I just crazy?

You're not crazy! This^ is exactly what happens.

Does anyone else dissociate so much that it's a permanent state?

Yes. You are not the only one.

[Three Roses]

Welcome!

Therapy has never really worked for me and neither has medication and I think this is why. I'm chemically changed somehow.

I strongly recommend the book "The Body Keeps The Score". You are correct - not only do our brains undergo change as a result of trauma, but our bodies also can develop diseases, allergies, etc.

There are many new and innovative treatments coming out for people like you and me. Toward the back of the same book, the author discusses several new-ish treatments.

You're definitely not alone! Thanks for joining

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome WWW     As TR and MD have said, you are not alone and definitely not crazy.      Dissociation can range from mild to more extreme, it just depends on the individual. There's another book that you may find relevant called "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" by Boon and colleagues.  A few of us worked worked some of the chapters here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=3532.0 if you want to take a look through that.

Hope this is helpful