Surviving Character Assassination

[Contessa]

Crazy making indeed. I had to take a lot of deep breaths with closed eyes, and had to pick my battles.

I do feel that now my concerns have been aired, things might actually move forward.

Again, the confirmation and validation here has been a strong driving force.

<3

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed!   

[Contessa]

Hello again,

It is now early February, and I thought i'd check in with some reflection over this incident.

I remember pre-empting this happening, and the emotional state of distress I was in back then (Shizzle hit the fan around August). As I had discussed with my T back then, I knew I was at the beginning of a downward run, and would have to wait things out until the events plateaued, and eventually rise back up to a sensible norm again.

Right now I do feel that with that last meeting, I finally reached the plateau. Five months. Had I been taken seriously earlier it would have been only three. Anyway, it is what it is.

The bully in question has played a remarkably clever game. Yet over the last month, I have only seen him twice in the office. Whether he has removed himself from me, or is just working somewhere else... I don't care. But I am much happier that he is not here. And I have most certainly asserted my place of belonging in the office.

I do not approach or speak to any person that has had anything to do with this. If I see them in the room, I continue on my way unless they say something to me. I will respond with a quick, polite and general conversation before moving on.

I make sure I am present for some social office gatherings, and I have been able to converse with people that last year I was isolated from, and have been able to connect again with others that just recently started giving me blank looks. There is nobody here to whisper in their ear.

I put in an expression of interest for work with variable responsibility, and management has responded to the affirmative to that.

I am being myself. I am organised. I am settled. I am getting my work done how I want, and in good time. I'm getting ahead.

I'm sure that if this path is sustained, and my future output proves my worth no matter what way, the path will start to rise again. It won't be immediate, but hopefully not another five months either.

Perhaps down the line, stories or rumours will come out of the woodwork, perhaps not. But right now I at least feel like I have a chance.

[radical]

I'm so glad for you!  It's such a hard road to be on.  I've read a lot of people's stories of this kind of situation, and few are able to continue on the 'high road' in the face of it.  It is a real testament to your strength of character that you neither buckled under, nor allowed yourself to be provoked into counter-attack.  Either reaction would have been a victory for the abuser.  You gave him almost nothing to work with to enable his abuse, yet it would have been only human do to do so.  He must have been so p****ed-off.

Someone once told me in regard to the situation I was in,  that maintaining our dignity is walking the middle line between aggressiveness and submission.  It is no small thing to have held onto your dignity in this situation.  I believe you will continue to go from strength to strength.

May the road continue to rise and meet you.

[Contessa]

Thanks Radical

I'll admit it was a fine line and I slipped a couple of times, but I'm better balanced now.

Absolutely with either reaction being a victory. Several friends on the outside said I should leave, but I'm not going to do that unless its on my terms.

Anyway, thank you for supporting my back bone as always. Hopefully will check in again further down the line with more good news, fingers crossed.

[sanmagic7]

so happy for you, contessa.  you worked hard to reach this point, and you so totally deserve it, including being able to attend office functions and have pleasant conversations.  i know it was touch and go for a minute, but, dang it, you did it!  yay!   love and peace always.

[Contessa]

Hi

I've been meaning to check in for about a week or so now, so finally giving the latest update when I should be getting my beauty sleep. Oh well, ha.

Radical, about a month ago you spoke of walking the middle line to maintain dignity. To me it was a tight rope for most part, a thicker line at the time you mentioned it, and now its plank where my feet are walking sure with no wobbling.

In regard to the bully/narc/sociopath/whatever, I have not seen him once. Not since the day of that meeting. Not a hint of his existence. I can only speculate as to why that is so, but the fact that it is so has been such a relief. I came to realise that I was in fact scared of him when working back late at night, or going in on weekends when nobody was there; before I loved the quiet, but I started to feel fear at this so had to cut back.

Our company has just relocated, and so office seating has been assigned where I am in greater contact with the people I removed myself from / have been excluded from activities with. Although I am not 'back in', and won't be any time soon, if at all, if I even want to, there have been instances of communications that have been above common pleasantries. I have been taking these as little bumps on the plateau.

One absolutely lovely staff member, who suddenly started giving me death stares directly after a time I knew they had hung out together, has started to engage again. Over the last few weeks, her scowls have been reducing in intensity as I play ignorant and strike up a cheerful conversation with her. Today, there was no scowl!

Also today, the person whom I consider to be his top minion (I've mentioned him earlier as a person who suddenly stopped talking to me and was always 'busy' when I tried to have a conversation), suddenly picked me out of the crowd and struck up an extremely pleasant conversation. There was not a hint of discomfort to be seen; for the first time in seven months he didn't look like he'd just sucked a lemon. Even later I walked into a large office to talk to someone else and he butted in and involved himself in the conversation.

This is such a huge turn around in behaviour. I don't know what has happened, if anything has happened, but a change appears to be coming. I do admit I am much more relaxed now, it is almost certain that I would have been giving off a weird vibe myself for a while. But since that meeting, I have been able to relax, in my own head and body, much more now that I got those concerns off my chest. Now, still without actively approaching anyone directly involved, and only responding to their advances, I can present me as myself. And I am a good person. I can just 'be'.

I'm not sure, but there was something in the air today. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but maybe this could a sign up an upturn.

[radical]

So happy for you Contessa!

It's been inspiring to read your story.  I could see that, hard as it was, and despite inevitable, occasional wobbling, you were able to hold onto yourself and, most importantly, your dignity.  It is valuable for me to hear how you went about this, internally and outwardly, to hear about the struggle below the surface, and to vicariously experience something of the tight-rope solidifying into something stable beneath your feet, even as the your world was shaking.

I'm sure this went a long way towards the positive outcome.  There are few happy endings in this kind of situation, and though we certainly can't control how things turn out, maintaining dignity is a huge triumph regardless of the outcome.

I feel a bit envious of the fact that you are still in regular contact with the "onlookers".  That probably sounds crazy, but I feel I won't ever have the opportuntiy to repair any of the damage done to the relationships and to show myself over time, as the good person I was and am, to provide any other perspective to the narrative set by the bully.

She executed an Oscar-award winning DARVO and elicited extravagant support and sympathy, but may be more closely watched by some.   In the circumstances (in which others could be badly hurt), at least gives me some sense that I might have slightly reduced the odds of harm to someone else, in speaking out.

This week I ran into a sweet-hearted woman from one of the groups involved.  Her face was soft when I recognised her in  a crowd.  I was feeling good, and smiled and opened my mouth to say hello, and watched as she recognised me, smiling at her.  Her face hardened with a hostility I'd never seen before, and she quickly turned away.  We've never known each other well, but all our past interactions had been warm.  I wasn't excessively hurt, the scenario has been repeated with every member of that group I've run into, including those who weren't around at the time and supposedly shouldn't know anything of what happened.  It's what I've come to expect, but in that moment I responded to seeing her as someone I felt fond of, without thinking.

If I was in regular contact, I could be seen as I am, not doing anything,  just,as you say, 'being' and I believe with people such as her, some of the damage, probably not all, could be moderated.

I've been writing a letter to someone who betrayed my trust when I reported the abuse in this particular group to her, to express the hurt it caused me.  I let myself down in continuing to act as if I didn't notice the lies, in not speaking or responding in my own defence as that betrayal unfolded to my detriment.  It's not an angry letter, but even belatedly, I feel I deserve to be able to say how hurt I was to have trusted and been let down by her, and no matter how she chooses to respond, or more likely, not respond, I owe myself that.

[Contessa]

Yes, absolutely Radical. I know this is very unusual. I have come to appreciate that when it comes to fight and flight, I fight.

The key I suppose was staying present in my job. I did withdraw and lay low, but did that in front of everybody and not at home. I did, and do, my job in front of everyone. I do not push it under their noses, I just happen to be there 'because of the management's office organisation'. It is definitely taking advantage of the opportunity that i'm lucky enough to still have had.

Most importantly, he's not there. I do believe the outcome would be much different if he was.

One of the major worries for me, though, has been the forseeable end of his employment here; his moving on before anyone could start to see through him, before another person became the new target, before others could notice the pattern... I don't know. But as I said, miracuously, things seem to be changing.

Oscar winning yes, but, not for us. We were hurt, yes. But we were are clearly intelligent, and more in tune to the nuances, and therefore a threat. I think that is what gives us the strength for survival, where others might not.

The sweet-hearted woman... yes. She is innocent as much as you are. It is amazing how much chaos one person can cause, if only we knew what the details were.

How is the letter going? I know what you mean about owing it to yourself. Some would call that brave and courageous, but if it was me, it seems like releasing a weight. It seems like my meeting and your letter are fulfilling a similar purpose. Let me know how you go!

[sanmagic7]

terrific, contessa.  it's truly amazing how these things can change when we stay true to ourselves.  you made some adjustments, but you held your own.  warrior spirit!  it has to be respected, and i believe you are seeing the results of that.  here's to more of the good stuff in the future!

and radical, i think your letter is a great idea.  if nothing else, you are releasing your truth, setting it free.  yes, you absolutely deserve that.

big hugs to you both!

[Contessa]

Thank you San, again for being there every step of the way.

Again I won't count my chickens, but am happy with the small steps so far.

Hugs back at ya both too!

[Contessa]

Interesting development occured,  you may be interested San and Rad, and of course anyone else.

An opportunity came up to casually say to someone "Hey, I do have the distinct impression that *person* utterly despises me. If I'm right, you wouldn't happen to know why at all?"

They told me that yes this person does dislike me tremendously, they think they know why, but they will confirm it and get back to me.

They confirmed it, I got the response "she should know why", to which I obviously don't. I still do not know what happened, but apparently it wasn't something I directly said or did to her, but in actual fact what she was told by someone else.

So there we go. But wait, there's more...

I was questioned on my positive mood by others, and another made a comment on "how much I love to gossip...", which floored me, was then asked a few gossipy questions by the original person who despises me, to which I replied "not my business nor my concern".

Then *person* invited me back to their place to hang out. I did, of course, not do that.

In summary:
1) Huuh?
2) The utter insanity of all of the above confirms the bullying, crazy making and slander that was/is so obviously happening.

So the confirmation of confusion has oddly delivered me some clarity. Slow gentle steps, i'm one step closer to finding out "what I did". I do not want this other friend to tell me, i'd prefer to hear it direct from the person I "wronged".

Hope you're all well.

[sanmagic7]

well, my dear contessa,

from my own experience with narcs, including my daughter, what i did 'wrong' was what they wanted to be wrong, or what they saw as wrong, something that i could do nothing to make right. 

for example, when looking back and analyzing my relationship with my narc daughter, what i believe i did 'wrong' was to have a baby.  this took some of the attention off her, she began believing that i loved her sister more than her (and our family was caught up in a loop of competitive madness, always making sure we could show that each daughter was being treated the same), and she eventually (and to this day) found the attention from me through being sick/some kind of victim. 

my narc ex is also a misogynist, so i'm hated by him for the fact that i'm a woman, something i can't change, either.  the narcs have their own reasons that are outside our area of control.  i hope you find some satisfaction with all this, contessa.  i know how nerve-wracking it can be.  big hug, sweetie!

[radical]

Hi Contessa,

I don't know if you've read much on 'mobbing', (aka puppet-master bullying).   Writing by Stella Duffy has been helpful to me.  She tends to keep away from issues about the instigator(s), to focus on group and organisational dynamics at play.  She has written several columns in 'Psychology Today', that you might find interesting.

I've been immersed in the subject because I've started the work of retrospectively dealing with my own situation.  Now I have an opening, I'm being very careful to be in control of the process, in planning what I need to say, how best to express myself, what information I need to pass on, and what I want to achieve.  I'm also organising the questions I'd most like to have answered from the people I will be able to talk to.

I have to be aware that there are limits to how much damage might be able to be undone, and what I'm likely to be up against in being able to be heard, including resistance, denial, victim-blaming, guilt, shame, vested interests and group-loyalty and, also real hurt. I know it will be hard to not fawn or abandon myself.  I don't want to make them feel bad, I hope this might somehow be beneficial for all of us.  These are good people, but I do need to express my own pain, and the damage this has done to me.

There are some resources in your country that you might find helpful if things get rough again (though I certainly hope they won't)  You can Google 'workplace mobbing' and your country.

Still in awe of, and inspired by how you've handled your own situation, Contessa.  Keep us updated.  Maybe I'll be in a position to do the same, soon.

[Contessa]

That was confusing to read, just as mine was no doubt, ha.

This has side-stepped the narc. He is doing whatever suits him, so now I have the opportunity, fingers crossed, to find out the damage he has caused. The person in question dislikes me for whatever lie was made up by him.

There will be no beating him, but there is a chance with those who have been lied to.

The people that still talk to me without any agenda, are the ones I decided to confide in last year about the abuse. They got the two sides. And it was one of them that I was able to ask the initial question to. And yes my nerves kicked into high gear when I did that.

Moving forward! I do feel that I have much more control now, and greater resilience. The fight isn't over for me, and when justice is compromised I do not stop until it is resolved.