I can't stop drinking

[Eyessoblue]

I'm having cbt at the moment which I always find positive whilst I'm there, but the day after normally after a lot of flashbacks I end up drinking heavily to numb the pain I'm feeling. The cbt lady tells me I must sit with the pain and accept it, but I can't it feels like it's too much for me and I'm literally craving alcohol to help suppress the pain inside. I come from a family of alcoholics and swore due to their affect on my life that I would never drink. Here I am following in their negative behaviour and doing exactly the same, I'm so annoyed with myself but yet it feels like what I need to do. Today I'm on my second bottle of wine and feeling relieved yet emotional and don't know where to go with it. So cross yet so relieved yet so confused at the same time. I beg with myself please don't let me end up like them yet I can see myself going down the same route. Really don't know what to do, any advice much appreciated please.

[Three Roses]

Have you tried a 12 step program?

[Dee]

That's a hard one.  A guy a know asked his psychiatrist if he was an alcoholic because of his drinking and was told no.  He drinks to cope, not as an addiction.  He doesn't wake up needing it, he turns to it.  Once he got his trauma under control he no longer had the desire to drink.  It is a problem of mine, but I am able to limit the amount most nights.  My therapist thinks once I can address and refile the trauma both my eating issues and drinking issues will be better.  I usually drink a glass or two a night, but when I am triggered it can be a bottle and I am underweight and short.  I am a tiny person.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both, no i haven't heard of the 12 step program? Dee that was very helpful what you said, I don't think I need a drink every day but once I've been to counselling/cbt I feel like I need one to help me and it does despite being told it doesn't, to me it helps calm me and takes that anxiety away. Today for example, I have no desire to drink yet yesterday I couldn't wait to open the bottle.

[Kizzie]

Hey Eyesoblue - My F was an alcoholic and I too swore I would never drink but when things got really bad three years ago, I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I didn't like the taste or smell, didn't enjoy it, but it sure did the trick as far as drowning the pain and anxiety for a while.

As Dee suggested, I do think some of us use it to cope. In my case I ended up drinking heavily every day because I was not in any kind of treatment and just kept spiraling, but as soon as I reached out and got into treatment I quit and didn't crave it afterward, still don't. If when I have an EF I do think about having drink again (and have twice in two years since quitting, but it did not trigger me to keep on drinking) to take the edge off, to escape the feelings, but I don't crave it and fortunately I am not having EFs very often. 

One thing I wanted to mention is that we went at my pace in treatment and that seemed to work for me in the sense that I wasn't as overwhelmed - there's a lot to face and doing it in small doses may mean we can acknowledge and sit with feelings better.  Maybe you can talk to your T about going at a slower pace so that you're not being overwhelmed by your feelings and then need to turn to alcohol to bring down the anxiety?

Just some thoughts from someone who has been in the same boat 

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you kizzie, that makes so much sense. I do get overwhelmed very easily and do feel like I'm rushing through even though the therapist tells me she is going really slowly with me. Like you I don't 'need' alcohol every day but once I've been to counselling and get triggered by things that's when I crave it, it is for a calming effect for me although I am finding I just want to drink it all away so I forget. My therapist told me it is very important to sit with the feelings and flashbacks, to ground myself and let the feelings come out. I never cry as always find crying got me nowhere or made it worse, I battle with myself to be strong yet inside I feel I just want to scream out loud and let all the emotion out, but I guess where I've always disaccociated and withdrawn from my feelings it's a new thing for me to learn to do. I really want to be able to do that and feel I am slowly getting better at it but think it's going to be a long time until I get there.

[Kizzie]

The thing about getting better slowly is that you are getting better even if it is little by little.  I don't know if you've read Pete Walker's book (CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving), but he talks about making sure to  look back from time to time at where you started  to see how far you've come - small changes add up over time.  I was so frustrated by not being able to rip the bandaid off and undo in one fell swoop what took years, decades really, to develop, but I hung onto that and it did/does help.   

 

[Eyessoblue]

Yes I have kizzie, I read it all the time. Yes you are right, I can see I have made some progress but also taken some big steps backwards too, but any progress is a good sign. Thank you.

[Coco]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByalBx85iC8

Are we allowed to post videos?

Let me know if that link doesn't work.

I feel like your therapist doesn't understand trauma very well. I feel angry that she is telling you to sit with the feelings when you are telling her you can't. I feel like she is probably saying things she read in a textbook, written by academics with limited knowledge and closed minds, who have literally no idea about the reality. Therapists should learn from their patients, not ignore what you say. A therapist should be watching you closely and taking her cues from you with an open mind. WHO THE F IS SHE TO TELL YOU SHE'S GOING SLOW? YOU are living it. This is further shaming, devaluing, dismissing you and the validity of what you feel and what your reality and identity is. I don't think a therapist should let you leave feeling massively triggered without tools to cope. With trauma, that is actually dangerous. Someone more unhinged than you could do far worse things than drink. (Not to minimise what you're saying about drinking)

Please don't stop seeing her based on what I have said. I am angry about circumstances like this. I am angry about the lack of quality help and knowledge available for people with trauma. I feel protective of you. I feel angry that we arrive at therapy feeling so vulnerable and sometimes the people are trying to apply logic that doesn't apply and they don't listen.

If it was easy or possible to simply sit with and feel the feelings, CPTSD and PTSD and addictions wouldn't exist and this woman would be out of a job. Her job is to give you the right tools to be able to cope with the flashbacks, bit by bit at a time, not be hit with it all like a tsunami and be left by yourself to deal with it. If she spent one moment in your body when it's triggered she'd change her tune.

I am aware that I might be projecting onto your therapist all kinds of things she doesn't deserve. I feel angry that you are feeling it's going too fast and she has the gall to say she's going slow with you - I feel that is patronising and dismissive of you. This is probably my stuff. I am FURIOUS about the poor outcomes for traumatised people. Utterly full of rage about it. Fed up with the incompetence and ignorance.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you coco for the link and what you said. You are right although she is going slowly I get extremely triggered later on that day and then have to live with those feelings until I see her again a week later which explains why my drinking has increased so much. I do try and sit with the feelings but it makes me worse inside, I have all physical symptoms such as intense stomach pains chronic back and neck pain regular headaches etc she says if I concentrate on my breathing it will slow me down inside, but when you're having a flashback or feeling exceptionally anxious it's very difficult to think about breathing properly! The link was interesting thank you and it definitely is like how I feel. I hope you are doing ok?

[sanmagic7]

just a thought, eyessoblue - are you familiar enough with what has been triggering you that if you touch on that in a session, you could work through it with your therapist while you're there?  have you let her know that your c-ptsd doesn't allow you to just 'sit' with your feelings because of the ways they disrupt your mind?  this isn't just a mind over matter kind of thing - our brains hijack our thinking processes which render us incapable of thinking straight at times.  not our fault - it's the fault of the trauma.  she may not be aware of this.

it's so very easy for someone to say what she's saying if she's never experienced what you're going through.  she may think she's going slowly, but that may not be the case for you.  maybe the chunks she's expecting you to process are too big for you right now.  small steps, baby steps, even, are what we sometimes need.  if she's not familiar with traumatization and its effects, she won't know unless you tell her.  and you have every right to do so.

i, personally, don't think it's ok that you become overwhelmed by your feelings over what's been brought up in a session to the point that you can't bear them without self-medicating.   something is amiss, it seems, and you're suffering because of it.  i hope you're able to speak up about it and get your process slowed down and dealing with smaller pieces of your puzzle so you don't have to continually become distressed like this.  best to you with this.  you're worth the care.

[Coco]

I am OK. Thanks for checking in and asking, what a kind person you are. I am more in touch with my anger at the moment and willing to express it. I apologise if I came on too strong or my words were distressing in any way.

People who suffer trauma symptoms are continually shamed, excluded, blamed, shunned, put down and let down by their community, family of origin and an inept services industry corrupted by money and incompetence. It's not good enough.

How many times have traumatized people been unwittingly re-traumatized by everyone there to "help", from police officers attending the scene to child protection workers to foster parents to counsellors to therapists? If those people are there in that role they should be better educated about trauma, and they're not.

My opinion only: CBT would not be effective for trauma itself, because CBT is very cognitive and your trauma is not. If trauma could be fixed with cognition no one would suffer trauma. We would all just think "It's OK now" and it would be over. Trauma does not signify that we are a population of idiots who don't know how to think our ways out of it. Trauma is a body thing, it is often wordless, it is more imprints. It's very primal. Trauma literally damages and changes the brain, the limbic system and the autonomic nervous system. All of those are way out of the control of the conscious mind. The very nature of trauma is that the mind itself is cut off into amnesiatic segments. CBT may help with some of the other consequences of untreated trauma but it is not adequate to treat the trauma itself.

I very, very strongly object to the cycle I see playing out here.

You do the tremendously courageous thing and take responsibility in an effort to be helped, go to therapy.
The therapist doesn't understand the actual problem.
You are further triggered - and it can be anything that triggers us. And being triggered is not a personal failure of yours - that is a fact. It is a natural response.
You are then left alone with the triggered state. You have to self medicate to keep it under control. Now you feel more guilt, shame and loss of control because you are drinking.
You make whatever attempt you can to put this into words, which is very, verrrrryyyyy difficult, and are told "You must sit with the pain" or "I am going slow with you" - which inadvertently has the subtext: this is your fault, you are failing.

The shared assumption is that she is right and you are wrong. That you are broken, inept and faulty, and if you are suffering it is because you're not getting it or following the instructions.

You do not need any more shame, blame or guilt.

No.
Not good enough.

When I am a little bit better, I am going to make it my life's work to advocate for traumatised people and raise both social and professional awareness.

I don't want to be irresponsible with what I am saying to you blue-eyes. CBT is great, with really excellent outcomes, and it's drug free, and it's proven, and it's awesome. Keep it up. I just want to say that you're not unusual to have these feelings and maybe the CBT could be supplemented with therapy with a trauma expert, if one is available in your area?

As someone mentioned, any 12 step program, particularly in your case AA and Al-anon, would be very beneficial both for the trauma, any codependency, and the compulsive drinking.

[Coco]

sanmagic, I really enjoyed your response by the way

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you both sanmagic and coco, that is exactly how I feel. A week siting and feeling crap til I see her again is both painful and exhausting, yes I do need a trauma therapist but my cbt lady says I'm not ready for it I need to be able to self soothe and find compassion within myself, which is I feel impossible, the more I try the more obstacles seem to get in my way. I am seeing her on Thursday so I will mention to her what we have discussed. I really appreciate your help and advice here. I woke up this morning craving a drink but didn't go there, just tried to work things over in my messed up mind which has now left me feeling extremely depressed and nowhere to go with it, she's failed to mention how it may make me feel and where I go next with it. I feel she is very young and likes to hand me loads of leaflets to go home and read which tend to trigger me and make me worse and I'm left with that 'now what do I do' feeling.  glad you are doing ok coco.

[Candid]

I am FURIOUS about the poor outcomes for traumatised people. Utterly full of rage about it. Fed up with the incompetence and ignorance.

People who suffer trauma symptoms are continually shamed, excluded, blamed, shunned, put down and let down by their community, family of origin and an inept services industry corrupted by money and incompetence. It's not good enough.

If those people are there in that role they should be better educated about trauma, and they're not.

My opinion only: CBT would not be effective for trauma itself, because CBT is very cognitive and your trauma is not. If trauma could be fixed with cognition no one would suffer trauma. We would all just think "It's OK now" and it would be over.

I very, very strongly object to the cycle I see playing out here.

You do not need any more shame, blame or guilt.

No.
Not good enough.

Jolly well said, Coco! 

I look forward to hearing about your "life's work". It sounds like you're almost ready!