Flashbacks- from my perspective

[TiredOfItAll]

My brain is a dark place filled with deep secret passageways and channels to sneak around in, taking you from one side of the brain to the next under the cover of the shadows put there on purpose to hide from the dangers of the outside world. Slipping from one dimension to another with precision and accuracy needed to get around unnoticed by harmful people.  Staying in the shadows for safety seeking quietly the information needed to survive another day.

My brain is full of information that I hide from myself as a source of protection.  A computer database of memories stored in one of the dark shadows in my mind.  It was never meant to be restored by me in anyway.  This hard drive of secret information was sent dormant a long time ago, destroyed almost beyond repair in the hopes of never revealing the information hidden in the depths of unbreakable codes put in place by a child made to mature too soon under the guise of love.

Now as an adult, I seek answers for the so many unanswered questions of my youth that plagued me with anger and contempt for people.  Trying to utilize what remains of the information I worked so hard to suppress.  To many nightmares to speak of from a childhood riddled with hurtful behavior, I have locked this information behind a server of information too hard to access by normal means necessary.   Too painful to have knowledge of and too much fear to speak of, I need to find a different way to  recall the information I am not granted access too. 

By bypassing the information that could give me the answers I so desperately seek, I have found a wormhole to a new world of information, flashbacks.  Once considered a curse and trigger for anxiety and panic attacks, has become my window to the information I have been seeking for years.  No longer crawling in the shadows, hiding from everything I have reached a wealth of data seen by my own eyes and felt by my own fears to get the solution to problems that have been secretly hidden by a family in denial for decades. 

A glimpse into a past with horrors that can only be seen and felt by having been through them personally, my answers comes to me in waves of sheer terror and fear that open to a world of painful memories once felt by a child used for selfish satisfaction.  These moments, given to me by a desperation of seeking answers, have changed the way I look at life as a whole and a reason behind the madness I could never explain away. They have always been there tucked away, revealing themselves in very discreet ways and in inopportune times hoping I would see them and recognize the secrets that were held captive there. 

My brain trying to shock me into acceptance, would play the scene back to me in reverse exposing me to the harsh reality, starting first, with the paralyzingly fear coming into play. The discomposure felt from a place of sheer terror, knowing that this could be a big reveal for me, is a process I must undergo to get to a place of understanding and peace and the ultimate goal, sanity.  Landing on a place where you welcome the flashback because you know that ultimately it will bring an end to the nightmares, when processed correctly, is a hard place to get to in recovery.   

At first, you have to deal with the emotions evoked by the flashback and understand it is a state of mind of a child and with it comes all the helplessness of a young human in a powerless situation.  Her power comes later when she realizes she is safe and no longer in harms way.  Second, welcome the rest of the information being revealed to you, it will heal you in a way that is remarkable and empower you to take back your life.  Third, fill in all the blank spaces in your life with answers so you don't feel so disembodied from your mind. With this comes a new ability to take back what you have lost control of, everything!  Remember always, that knowledge is power. True power: real power comes from being educated and knowledgeable, not from violence or controlling others. Something a victim of child abuse understands all too well.

[joyful]

Wow. This really really spoke to me, TiredOfItAll. That was a super good way to put it.
I loved this part:

A glimpse into a past with horrors that can only be seen and felt by having been through them personally, my answers comes to me in waves of sheer terror and fear that open to a world of painful memories once felt by a child used for selfish satisfaction.  These moments, given to me by a desperation of seeking answers, have changed the way I look at life as a whole and a reason behind the madness I could never explain away. They have always been there tucked away, revealing themselves in very discreet ways and in inopportune times hoping I would see them and recognize the secrets that were held captive there.

My brain trying to shock me into acceptance, would play the scene back to me in reverse exposing me to the harsh reality, starting first, with the paralyzingly fear coming into play. The discomposure felt from a place of sheer terror, knowing that this could be a big reveal for me, is a process I must undergo to get to a place of understanding and peace and the ultimate goal, sanity.  Landing on a place where you welcome the flashback because you know that ultimately it will bring an end to the nightmares, when processed correctly, is a hard place to get to in recovery.   

I hope i eventually get to that place where i welcome flashbacks...I'm not quite there yet.

Anyway, this explanation really spoke to me.
Thank you

[sanmagic7]

what great and important insight for recovery.  well done!  while it might work differently for others, i'm so glad you found a way through them that has brought pos. results. 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for these insights, TiredOfItAll.

As someone who's tried all the tricks of defeating flashbacks, I've reluctantly realized the extra futility of resisting them after-the-fact. Your take speaks to the possibility that okay, they're here; but don't need to overtake this precious trek to seek new life amidst all this pain. No one wants flashbacks, and accepting them isn't saying they're fine and dandy. It's more like turning the dross into gold, I guess; a miracle in its own way.

Thanks for pointing the way back to somehow considering the option of re-framing the still-awful impacts that flashbacks threaten us with. Taking to heart what you're saying, I feel safer and not so prone to give in and/or give up.

[Fightsong]

Tired, yes I know that place. A place where you realize the truth , in your heart, not just hearing the words or reading the words. These are the minds way of letting you know. Bringing you to a place where maybe one day you can understand, accept - yes this is what you felt, as a child.  I never used to get this. Now I get this. I get the messages, it can take me days to decode them. I can sometimes stop and ask - am I being sent a message here? what is this feeling? it doesn't fit with NOW. Is it from THEN? and why now - what triggered this?  It was disarming initially, but sticking with recovery and doggedly plodding on I realize there is a powerful trove of stuff to be taught to us.   How effective we were at banishing these feelings, all of them to the database since corrupted / encrypted  never intended to be read again.  I understand your analogy. I like it. It makes sense to me.  I'm there too.