Trying to make sense of myself

[2Spirits]

Hi all,

it's quite an effort to present myself here - I'm scared if I'll find good enough words to describe myself and my experiences and I'm afraid of being . At the same time I'm excited - wow, I found a place where I can relate to the posts I've read so far (not too much yet, I've spent a few hours the two nights before) and it looks like I found an online community where I'm "normal", what a relief. I experienced quite a lot of blank looks, incomprehension and "just get over it, what's the big deal" when I tried to explain myself, so with most people I gave up explaining myself and withdrew. And from the posts I've read here, it's different!  So, I'm not glad that there is so much suffering in your stories, but I'm glad that here is a place where those stories can be shared, where they are believed, understood and honored. This makes all the difference, it restores dignity (quite a big word, eh? But that's really how it feels for me). And it encourages me to share my story.

Well, I'm in my forties now, have a great patchwork family with my wife and her two big kids and our small son, work in software in a stable position: so far, so good. On the other hand I felt like an outsider all my life, have a hard time connecting to people, and I'm easily overwhelmed. When my son was born, 4 years ago, something opened up inside myself and many feelings that had also been in me before, but quieter and easier to suppress, came out: lots of shame, anxiety, panic and confusion. For my own sake, my family and to lighten the burden I would pass on to my son, I started therapy and it took several attempts to find a therapist who is really helpful. That was definitely a hard time trying to make sense of myself while two therapists labeled me as resisting, uncooperative and hopeless case. It was hard to disbelieve them and walk away, but it saved me from further humiliation. Now I'm in trauma therapy and gradually I'm starting to feel much of the suppressed inner child and little by little I'm dealing with it and healing. So I'm getting better in standing up for myself, in feeling my own feelings instead of other peoples feelings, in talking instead of hiding. Hooray! I'm even here to write a post! So hi to you all, thank you for creating, sharing and maintaining this space for dignity and healing and for being who you are!

A

[Sandstone]

Hi 2Spirits  and welcome to OOTS. I felt the same way when i found this place, like id found my kind of people at last.
Im glad you're here.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, 2spirits! We're glad you found us.

I felt a huge relief when I found this forum, too. Suddenly I didn't feel so strange!

We look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi 2Spirits  and welcome. 

Thank you for your introduction, and thank you for having made the effort. Such a worthwhile contribution. 

I found an online community where I'm "normal", what a relief. I experienced quite a lot of blank looks, incomprehension and "just get over it, what's the big deal" when I tried to explain myself, so with most people I gave up explaining myself and withdrew.

Join the club, I so relate to having that feeling. The best news is: and you were and are normal to begin with.

When my son was born, 4 years ago, something opened up inside myself and many feelings that had also been in me before, but quieter and easier to suppress, came out: lots of shame, anxiety, panic and confusion. For my own sake, my family and to lighten the burden I would pass on to my son, I started therapy and it took several attempts to find a therapist who is really helpful.

What a confrontation that must have been. 
And what awesomeness of you having taken these steps. Bravo! 

That was definitely a hard time trying to make sense of myself while two therapists labeled me as resisting, uncooperative and hopeless case. It was hard to disbelieve them and walk away, but it saved me from further humiliation.

Alas, this is an experience many of us have had, and stories of it have been shared here. In my personal case, my TherapistMom has turned out to be my prime abuser, with her incessant message I was broken and needed therapy. This started in earnest when I was twelve, and has continued up to I went No Contact with her almost two years ago. It's been a relief, yet at the same time just the start of my recovery and a clear(er) vision on what really has gone on in my past and upbringing. 

So hi to you all, thank you for creating, sharing and maintaining this space for dignity and healing and for being who you are!

I hope wish and trust you'll find aid and support in your recovery here.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you made it here, 2spirits!   this forum has been wonderful, helpful, supportive, and i've found such kindness and genuine caring from others who 'get' me.  i've given up attempting to talk about this to people who haven't gone thru it.

so glad you found a trauma therapist, too.  and kudos to you for your determination to keep looking for one who suits your needs.   for the record, i am a therapist, and what i've learned is that there are no 'resistant' clients, only therapists who don't know what they're doing.  sad to say, there are too many out there who are willing to put the blame for a client not moving forward onto the client, instead of finding out out how to adjust their work with a client who may be 'stuck' through no fault of his or her own.

so, welcome.  glad you posted, and i hope you are able to use this forum to help yourself move ahead in recovery.

[2Spirits]

I'm (positively) in tears and deeply touched by your heartfelt welcome.
Yes, you do feel wonderful and real and like you really experienced and processed a lot - and the reason for this is probably that you indeed ARE wonderful and real and really experienced and processed a lot 
It feels great and I gratulate myself for having the courage to show up. I guess the feeling is a big relief because I don't have to pretend anything to be acceptable - what a wonderful experience 
Thank you, Sandstone, Three Roses, Dutch Uncle and sanmagic7, for your kindness!

this forum has been wonderful, helpful, supportive, and i've found such kindness and genuine caring from others who 'get' me.  i've given up attempting to talk about this to people who haven't gone thru it.

And thank you for putting it in neat words. Yes, even just having arrived here a few days before, I think I can find meaningful discussions and input here and can just stop searching to find it with people who haven't been in or through it. Which means I can relax because I found a safe place for talking. Wow! Not a small thing.

Join the club, I so relate to having that feeling. The best news is: and you were and are normal to begin with.

[...]
Alas, this is an experience many of us have had, and stories of it have been shared here. In my personal case, my TherapistMom has turned out to be my prime abuser, with her incessant message I was broken and needed therapy. This started in earnest when I was twelve, and has continued up to I went No Contact with her almost two years ago. It's been a relief, yet at the same time just the start of my recovery and a clear(er) vision on what really has gone on in my past and upbringing. 

I'm sorry you were brainwashed  and made less than.  Yes, we were and are normal, meaning we're not wrong or bad. But I don't feel normal, meaning sometimes I act in ways that are not good for me and not good for the people I love because I act out shame, anxiety, avoidance. And being able to relate to all of you as a peer group is a big help, because I'm not the only one, and at least here, I'm not expecting to be shamed. And that helps a lot in really acting "normal", i.e. acting according to the current situation and not according to triggers or inner critics.

And big respect for you that you have been able to make something good for yourself out of your decision to go NC. 
It's a big issue for me in the last months, because currently I'm adjusting to my father going no contact with me. It was quite hard when it happened, but it might turn out as a blessing in disguise. The best thing is, he did it because I finally was able to confront him on his past and present behaviour towards me and my son. Well, that's not a good thing in itself, but the good thing about it is that it's not about some childhood memory where he would always tell me i remember it wrong and that things haven't happened like i remember but i'm just overly sensitive - it happened in the last year, my memory is precise and his behaviour is so obviously insane that it made several things very clear:

• I understand now why I never managed to confront him when I was smaller. This massive amount of trauma that is inside him just washed me away when i was a child. And as long as it always "was my fault" when he freaked out, I didn't understand what was happening
• As long as he doesn't realize it's not me who has to tiptoe around his triggers (like never disagree and always let him be right), he doesn't act responsibly and I had better remove myself from the situation
• It costs me too much to tiptoe around, it serves me better to plainly speak my mind, even if he freaks out.

It's just hard to let go my unfulfilled dream of a positive relationship. Up to now, I'm still grieving it, sometimes so hard that it tears me inside. Well, it also tore me inside what really happened, so I choose grieve over meeting him.
Guess that's also a familiar topic here... ironically, while i type this paragraph i see this below (from the forum software): "+ Attachment and other options". That sums it up: i guess I need "other options"  Therapy goes a long way in "self-fathering" and being a father also helps