I cannot manage daily life without my inner critic...

[ChaosQueen]

Hello everyone,
Through therapy I kind of disempowered my inner critic. I do feel less depressed now that I'm not constantly berating myself. However, I cannot function anymore in daily life.

Normally, I only get things done if I feel enough fear and shame. Fear of negative consequences if I don't do the thing, and shame that I'm so lazy that I keep procrastinating it. If the fear and shame are so intense that I can't stand myself, then I get to work on the thing.

Now, I'm only procrastinating, letting myself be sidetracked, and don't get anything done. All the little self-discipline that I have is used up by making myself brush my teeth.
It takes me until afternoon to get up and dressed. I'm too disorganized to eat regular meals.

Before my nervous breakdown, when my C-PTSD symptoms spiralled out of control 4 years ago, I would manage to have a daily routine, work, eat regular meals, take regular showers, get things done, and seem normal on the outside. I was just barely functioning and constantly tense, irritabke and miserable, but I was functioning. I had self-discipline, as my inner critic shamed me into action. My inner critic forced me to do unpleasant things that needed to get done, and it also stopped me from following my impulses.

How can I find a balance between being kind to myself and having some amount of self-discipline? 

[Dutch Uncle]

I can relate. It's almost like you are describing my life at the moment.

How to get past this?
I don't know.
I think I have mostly lived on walking with the crutches my Inner Critic provided. The IC telling me I couldn't do without my crutches.
But my legs are strong enough to hold me. These crutches were probably more show than substance anyway. I never was wheelchair-bound anyway.
Yet my muscles in my legs are not as strong yet as they can be. Practicing walking without crutches (or even a day or so with, if I'm too tired) will probably get me where mu leg's muscles will have become strong enough to walk with the Inner Critic's crutches.

I'm talking in metaphors again, so probably am dissociating.
But I can relate. Some day I will take care of myself with a passion, without the (potential) scorn of my Inner Critic, wanting me to do it his way. Then I'll do it my way.

[Sienna]

Hi ChaosQueen,

What is happening with you sounds really difficult I relate to this, even though i havent gotten rid of my inner or outer critic.

Trigger warning...
and also, I'm just throwing out all guesses here, so I know i cant *assume anything* and that i might be wrong.


My first thought is that, your inner critic may have always been with you, so - to loose it would feel strange.
It was the internalised voices of your abusers...so, perhaps you never developed your own voice.
The thoughts are theirs, not yours, but when you don't have any other voice, you rely on their voice (the inner critic)
My guess is that, your inner critic / that part of you that is the critic, served a function for you, even if unhealthy or not helpful.

I know that when we loose coping mechanisms, we can turn to other coping mechanisms.
With coping mechanisms, they can arise due to attachment trauma in childhood. So the only way apparently to get rid of those unhealthy coping mechanisms, is to grieve to loss of that parent.
And then they can be replaced with things that your parents / gardiens should have done to comfort us.
We can develop a healthy mother voice (which they should have ingrained in us that isn't an *inner critic*)

Maybe we try to take direction on how to be and how to survive in this world- how we should behave in the outside world, from the people who brought us up. We learn from our parents / guardians.
But if they were abusive / critical, we may be relying on that critical voice they gave us for guidance, because thats all we had.

I know that if i got rid of my inner critic or maybe even outer critic, i will be loosing my mother that i have carried with me.
So I'm wondering if grieving the loss of your inner critic, and / or the loss of never developing your own caring, supportive inner voice is what might be needed?

And the second thing i wanted to say was, that, whilst you might not be getting things done that you need to get done..im wondering if, for a while or however long it takes for you, maybe you have needed this rest...maybe you have needed the pressure to not be on you...and maybe your body and mind just need a break for a while of doing stuff you don't *want* to do?

Maybe if you are doing things because you are made to in childhood, because of that parent being so ..harsh...abusive...critical...we don't develop our own reasons for doing things, maybe we don't develop the inner, genuine motivation we need to do stuff *for ourselves*.
Doing things based on fear of the consequences of not doing them (whatever that consequence was for you in childhood), i don't believe would make anyone feel very motivated in their adulthood to do things if the fear is taken away...
as maybe in the beginning...you only did things because of the fear and shame and not becasue you felt with in your being, that doing those things made you happy, or that they were wroth while *for you*...
I hope I'm making sense.

If the inner critic was your main fear shame motivator to get things done, maybe now you don't have a reason with out that voice, as you maybe never developed any caring internal model in which to go off.

Also, Pete Walker talked about this- about how the inner critic shames us for not doing things, for ie. feeling depressed...for not getting out of bed...
Maybe now, this might give rise to new feelings...or to doing new things ...which could involve sleeping in, or not doing all that much at times...because its not being suppressed by the shaming voice in your head.

Im not sure how to find the balance. Maybe different parts with different wants are at play here and you cant *move*...?
I know it might be hard, and might take some time, but how about writing down what you need to do...and figuring out the logic reasons why you need to do them.
ie. i need to food shop, because if i don't, ill be hungry...
But- do you need to do it right away...could you arrange another time to do it...a time you feel more up to it...
maybe that night you could treat yourself to some takeaway food...
Because then you are looking at why you need to do stuff, but caring for how you feel about doing those things.
I guess, sometimes, we need a little gentle push to get something done, so i believe that developing a caring motherly inner voice who understands and listens to us when we don't want to do something, -
and instead of being shameful and critical-
gently tells us to do something.

Maybe their is underlying fear / anxiety about not doing something.
What would happen if i didnt do ..such and such...
Maybe you could try if you can...doing something you enjoy? Giving your self more reason to do something, such as that it makes you feel happy / entertained ...rather than fear and shame?

[sanmagic7]

hi, chaosqueen,

have you talked to your therapist about this?  s/he may have some ideas for you, may be able to help guide you to where you need to go to find that balance, or may be able to show you how to instigate feelings of goodness and want instead of shame and fear in order to get things done.

disempowering those inner critics is quite a change, a huge step to self-empowerment.  change takes time to adjust to, may even seem confusing while you're in the midst of it.  my belief is that confusion is the transition period - you're not where you were, but you're not yet where you want to be.  that can be a messy, confusing place to be, but as you continue working toward your goals (whatever they might be for your life) there will be stops and starts, hills and valleys (gee, how many cliche's can i get in there?!).  but, it's true, making a change is never smooth or a straight line.

change also always includes both a loss and a gain.  i think sienna has a point that there may be some grieving for you to do, acknowledging the loss of those harsh voices, and laying them to rest.  grieving is usually part of the transition, and you may be in the midst of it without consciously knowing it.   grieving is also a very messy time - often we do things that are out of character, pick up other 'crutches' like dutch uncle mentioned for awhile, or just nurse the injury of our loss. 

i don't believe you will remain stuck in this place forever.  i hope you can allow this change and transition to unfold without coming down harshly on yourself.  thanks for posting.  when i go through this process, i call it 'slogging through the sh*t".  that's what it feels like to me, like i'm stuck in the muck.  this, too, shall pass, of that i'm sure.  hang tough - we're hanging right beside you!

[ChaosQueen]

Thanks for all of your replies! 
Yes, it would be great to walk without the crutches of my Inner Critic. I'll have to learn how to walk all over again. And then develop my leg muscles.

And it's true, my Inner Critic has always been with me. My IC has been my sole identity for so long. She helped me survive and function, and she gave me a sense of closeness to my birth mother, who used to be very critical of me.
Now I do need to develop a loving Inner Mother. I don't know how to do that just yet. My therapist told me to watch real mothers with their children in public. I am doing that.
However, when I tell my inner child that it is time to go to bed, she doesn't react at all. She just ignores this request and hijacks my actions, so that I end up staying up until the early morning hours. Or when it is time to eat, my Inner Child also ignores my attemps to lovingly tell her to interrupt whatever we are doing. Often I feel absolutely unmotivated to do things. My only enjoyment lies in things that help me escape reality, like novels, films, or daydreaming. It is difficult to find something that I enjoy. But it really depends on my mood of the day. Sometimes I have a little more energy, and then I do gardening, which I do enjoy.

My therapist does encourage me to practice self-care and get enough food and sleep. But she is not concerned with my inability to function. She says I just function in a different way than other people.
My IC might not have the power anymore to propel me into action, but she still comments my disorganized life. You're right, I need to grieve that loss, that disempowerment.

[Blueberry]

ChaosQueen,
I'm fairly new on here. I often read old threads. It helps me. Your post really resonates with me. I used to be really rigid and really strict. When people complained about this, I'd say they had it easy, I was way, way stricter with myself than with anyone else. It kept me going but it used up a lot of energy. At some point in therapy I stopped being so strict with myself and since then I have had a lot of trouble with self-motivation. Though it has been getting better recently. I hope this is the case for you too. Sometimes I don't know why it gets better, it just does, and sometimes I'm sure it's because of me doing inner praise (especially to Inner Children) instead of inner criticism.

Siena,
Thanks for your very long description. It really helped me to read it. It's not all new to me, but to read it all in one place, moving from one point to the next, that was really good for me.