I hate that I'm here. I hate that anyone is here.

[Missingmermaid]

I guess this is my intro post. I don't have much to say. I'm here for the same reasons you are all here and it breaks my heart that anyone else has c-ptsd.

I have been in denial for years. Ok still am. Well more like in a robot mode as my therapist calls it. I never knew anything different and thought flashbacks, triggers ect was normal. So I knew to dealing and processing a lot. Which sucks. Range of emotions is new to me.

Also only my therapy team knows about my past. This is becoming tricky as relationships are surfaced and this includes the one I have with my husband and rest of my family. I am amazing at ignoring and isolating. I am also diagnosed with ADHD and OCD symptoms. Which my team thinks has made me able to easily go into robot mode my whole life. Oh and I haven't said my story outloud. Just written out which my therapist is fine with for now. I know someday I have to say things out loud and I physically can't.

Ummm I'm not sure where I am in healing. I'm frustrated because I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 million backwards. I am still very much detached.....blame myself and feel shameful and guilty. My logical mind is smart and strong but so very quiet I can't offer hear it over the screaming of the other meaner, scarier parts.

I do feel frustration that I can't control my own mind and just fix my self! I don't want to have nightmares or flashbacks of triggers and I try to face my fears and hate that this sends me backwards. I want a boring life with simple adventures and to feel safe. So this is my first post and half admittance that I am not who I present to the world. I'm not calm cool and collected. Well in emergencies I am. But looking at me I know people would never guess including my husband. I probably sound really nuts but I'm really just awkward.

The one question I have that I can't find the answer to, is can you become fully healed from c-ptsd.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, missingmermaid! We're glad you've added your voice to the mix.

"I am also diagnosed with ADHD and OCD symptoms"  This is very normal, to have multiple diagnoses. It is possible that all your symptoms may well be covered under the umbrella of CPTSD alone; it's been said that if CPTSD were included in the DSM, it would reduce it to the size of a pamphlet.

"I do feel frustration that I can't control my own mind and just fix my self!" That's because not only your mind is affected, but also your brain. This is why thinking alone, or "top-down" therapy, is not statistically successful in treating CPTSD. The physical brain undergoes changes as a result of trauma. But there are new treatments being explored and many people have seen a reduction in the severity of their symptoms, some to the point of being symptom-free.

Although it is sad that such a place has to exist, we are thankful for the camaraderie it provides us, and the opportunity to be heard and understood.   Please know that many of us here are awkward, and shy, but we will support you in your healing to the best of our abilities (which can vary from day to day).

[Missingmermaid]

Thank you. It kinda feels strange but in a way oddly nice to have others that understand.....not just my therapy team.

Although the fact that some people are here for the same reasons I am or for being harm in anyway makes me so angry and want to throw up. But when I think of myself and reasons, I'm not mad I'm more eh that stinks/ignore/shut down. I would like to think I can truly ignore. But I guess my awkwardness and behaviors aren't normal. So I'm starting to understand on some level I am affected. Ahh the moments even fleeting ones of the logical mind.

I tried emdr it did not end well and I was able to stop that. I am open to anything that may help. I'm working on mindfulliness. But I feel like i get more trapped in flashes backs. I don't understand how that works.

Sorry for word vomit heh I think my therapist would get a kick out that the fact I have used a lot of words.

I'm wondering if I get rid of cptsd if all other diagnosis/symptoms? Will go away.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Missing mermaid
Hi
Thank u for your post
I can relate to the 'putting on a face and the insides are doing something much different ...
But now I have stopped living my life like that - mostly because I don't have the energy anymore for it and also because it is not kind to myself
To pretend and not let others help me ..
The isolation I have felt for so
Many years is finally melting

Also what I find really helpful and important is looking at my recovery on a daily basis ... I don't know what it will look like in the future , sure I hope I will be 'cured ' and I know I can get 'better but also realising that I have come a look way
We are survivors and the fact we even own insight is a miracle

Hope is wonderful and so is today ... Today is the day I focus on to self care, let people see me and have a little fun and enjoyment within all the recovery work

I wish u all the best on oots

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Missingmermaid 

Yeah, I hate it too I'm here, and I hate it too your history and circumstances has urged you to look for a place like this.

Now that I am here, I realize how much worse it was not being here.
I hope and wish you may get there as well.

[woodsgnome]

This might sound counter-intuitive. But after searching high, low, backwards, and forwards for rational answer and virtually giving up hope, I felt better; not a lot and not quickly, but gradually throwing the lofty 'cure' goal out while letting my psyche even drift a bit--it was like breaking out-of-the-box, I guess. I try not to dwell too much on the 'why' anymore. Once I realized I wasn't giving up on me, just on the certainty of finding some guaranteed passage out, it was disappointing (at first) but freeing. There are lots of ways, but in the end we each find our own if we can stay in touch with the notion that well, at least we have enough energy to look again, as sometimes we feel out of options.

What I thought was so many dead ends and false leads were alright, as they allowed me to see ways I could try to formulate my own path, and not to live by someone else's dictate for a good life. Free of expectations (and falling short of them and turning on myself) I could formulate my own next steps. Despite my doubts and especially the fears that I won't make it or ever find the perfect peace I crave, I somehow have plodded along this far.

Coming on here is not some admission that you aren't good enough, that you're weak to admit frustration, or feel so awkward and lost that you can't stand it. 'Staying with the process' sounds like just another well-worn cliche, but no matter what it's called it's what we're all doing here...confusion formed from despair may be what brought us here; but our sticky past lives are  now just a rear-view mirror reflection, and not where we're at now, need to be, or where we're going.

You ended by asking: "The one question I have that I can't find the answer to, is can you become fully healed from c-ptsd?" In my case it was more a redefining of what 'healing' consists of--is it an ongoing journey or certain destination was my struggle. I've come down on the side of journey; my most definable progress happens only when I back off the expectations/goals game. They're still a part of things, but they're more flexible now, and it gives me breathing room. Because the other part of what I feel is that by opening to possibility, I may even run into a better outcome minus the sheer dread I felt for so long. My caveat: that dread reappears occasionally, and did so very recently. Well, okay, so it was there, felt awful, and now that part of 'my' movie is over and I'm busy crafting material for the new, ongoing story of healing. The journey. If I think about it, it can be exciting, like a kid whose imagination is set free to soar. 

[Kizzie]

Hi MissingMermaid and a very warm welcome to OOTS     FWIW re recovery, the way I look at it is that I am not my CPTSD (because it tends to define us when we first get going on healing), but it is a part of who I am as a person and always will be.  What seems to be happening though is that the symptoms are much less frequent and intense, and I am able to handle the memories better because the various parts seem to be merging into more of a whole.

Glad you found your way here 

[Missingmermaid]

Thank you all for your responses and the time you took to write them. I never thought about changing  my view on being cured. That is interesting. I also like stay with my process. As a perfectionist and used to copying others behavior so i would fit in I think I'm lost as I don't know the normal way to feel or respond or where I am supposed to be in the process. These ideas I think I can connect too

I am scared i jumped way in looking for a
Quick fix when I can't even stand myself or fully understand things that have happened. T has gone over not my fault blah blah. I am frusterded on how she can't see that it is. If she uses the words survivor, victim, trauma l get so angry and shut down. Then I have to either compulsively write the word down or think it until it feels ok. Or research something until I pass out.  Maybe I am in denial still. I think if the evidence was ever shown directly to me I'd still feel like who is that. Even though logical mind knows what has happened and there is evidence. I did destroy Some....

I love to journal but I am scared of certain words. Some i can't think about with out feeling jinx. Like is this normal? Or being stuck in a memory and just hiding because i don't want people to know and sometimes I lose track of what is happening now and what is a memory. I feel so insane.


Ps. Wow I didn't think I'd come back but i did and you were here. Torn between a ok this may not be so bad and throwing my phone out the window bc I'm scared of connections I guess ( not sure about the whole marriage thing-not normal but a different story and I don't fully understand that one either)

[Kizzie]

So glad you did come back     and    and    to you. 

It really can feel insane and scary but rest assured you are not alone in feeling that because it's symptomatic of the disorder we all share.  It's a new thought ("It's not me?  which then turns into "It's NOT me!!") that takes time to integrate and accept. So, maybe take some time to get comfortable with that, it's a huge step forward in and of itself.