My Story/ New Here (30s Male CPTSD)

[Eire]

Hello!
I am requesting feedback and support as I'm fresh to this forum and have a fresh new diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD in October, before that I've been healthy and functional with some social/career success to completely down and out for about a decade since the traumatic event.

I won't share my entire story in one post but if you have questions I have a detailed history about different causes and events in my life that contribute largely to my CPTSD, although I was recently diagnosed my time dedicated to recovery has been huge (Helped by my unemployment, flashbacks and hyper-arousal).

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship, she can be and has been very emotionally abusive towards me. She's often mistrusted me and if my behavior is bad or interpreted as bad, she just loses all trust for me and in me.

When I was 15 I had been engaging in lots of behavior that would concern a parent, petty theft, sneaking out of the house at night, smoking pot. This proceeded for about a year, meanwhile I became much more interested in my friends, the social scene, mind altering substances and women, my grades fell a bit. On the way back from summer vacation, I'd been on a road trip with my family, I was 'dropped off' in the middle of the night, in Utah, at a school 'to get me straight'. My parents arranged this months ahead of time without telling me, they'd packed all my belongings I needed and hid it in the trunk. So here I was at 16, in the middle of the night, with two staff members in the middle of the mountains of Utah, no idea where I really am, no idea how to get home, no idea if I could get home, no idea when I'll see my friends, family again, etc, I'm sure some of you understand. My terror was visceral, I asked the staff how long their 'program' was, "A year" was the response. My heart sank through the center of the Earth and disappeared into the Cosmos, one day I hope to get it back! I remember feeling more rejected, dejected and unloved than anyone should ever have to.
I'd been abandoned by my own family and they betrayed me to do it, that was an objective truth I had to palate.
I understood that they'd tried their best and this was a 'last resort'. but it still hurt, shotgun to the heart.

I stayed there a year and could write a book about it, I came out thinking everything was going to be better. I was more confident, much more of a leader amongst my peers (this was a good aspect I developed) but I was also much more manipulative. On some level it was like I knew I enjoyed certain things that are taboo or 'fringe' and I wanted to completely avoid being seen as "fringe" or "questionable" in anyone with authorities eyes. I started actually living a pretty balanced life when I came out, I got As, began to hang out with my Dad a lot. I have to give you some more background I guess, age 5-12 my Dad lived in California while the rest of us lived in Washington State, he only visited every other weekend, it wasn't due to divorce, we simply lived in a bad area of Los Angeles when I was real young and my father didn't want me to go to a school with barbed wires and a metal detector like my eldest brother did. So I had a lot of pent up feelings of lost time with my Dad and have always wanted to have a great relationship with him. When I was in Utah I had intense feelings of loss in regards to my father, I figured I'd not bond with him during my formative years as well as missing out while I was younger, it was very painful as I love my Dad very much.

Things were good and I lived with my parents until I was 18. I ended up going to a party where the parents house was ransacked and I got named in the investigation. Days later the property was recovered and my name was cleared but since I'd been in 'trouble' or looked at, my parents gave me the boot.

I lived with a friend for a while and abused marijuana and alcohol heavily. Drugs when I'm not healthy make me into a wreck, I'm pretty sure they do it to everyone, so I told my parents I'm a drug addict, that's my problem and went to rehab for 30 days. I joined a 12 step group and did the process, started sponsoring other kids with drug problems and helped getting some folks clean. After about a year living with my parents I moved out. I did the 12 step group for 3 years or so. I really thought that I was an alcoholic and that I'd found a solution but I realize now my PTSD has been covert and my hypochondriac worries have just been a distraction to true self-awareness.

I tried going back to the 12 step program but my drinking bouts and marijuana use never got in my way or made my life bad, and there were lots of times I simply chose not to get drunk or high, ie. I was completely reasonable and rational in regards to my use of drugs and alcohol, this threw a wrench in my works as the 12 step group is very tight-knit, I'd made a lot of friends and now of course, since I'm not 'sober' lots of them didn't want to be my friend, this saddened me a bit. But I kept plugging along without a support group now and without an 'alcoholic' problem. I was 25 and began to really come into my own, I started taking martial arts and teaching kids, my job was awesome (I cleared 40k/Year for the first time), I had an awesome girlfriend and was going to school for psychology/sociology and all was good until about 27.

Around 27 I lost my job (I'd been at for 5 years) and my first serious girlfriend of 2 years.
At the end of my relationship with my girlfriend I got all kinds of obsessive and paranoid. I really loved her and we were an awesome couple but we were also pretty young still (no real career, both us still in college) and my co-dependent behavior towards the end turned her off something fierce. I abused drugs, relationships both personal and professional, I started ripping off people I knew and behaving like a real scary *. The drug abuse didn't bother me but boy I started just screwing people over anytime they'd give me an opportunity. I realize this is me pushing people away to cope with my own insecure feelings of abandonment, although I figured I'd just had a drug/alcohol problem still. I was super self-sabotaging with any relationship or opportunity that came my way for about 5 years now.

Fast forward to today, I've been living with my parents again for 5 years and my behavior has been pretty bad up until a year ago.
My relationship with my parents is still strained, they pretty much just want me to be self-supporting and get out of their hair. They don't want to talk about feelings or anything that's happened in the past 'get over it' or 'figure it out' is a constant theme although I try not to bother them with anything but small talk now. I have 0 friends, since I ripped off, stole or took advantage of most of them. I don't' have a job, a car, money or anyone besides my therapist to talk to about it. And I often get very scared and concerned for my future. I've been so withdrawn and isolated from my eldest brother and his family (my nieces and sister in law) that he doesn't talk to me often, doesn't call or answer my calls and I don't get to talk to him or my nieces (they live out of state now) unless it's with my parents on Skype and I fear I won't have a good or ANY relationship with my nieces or him if it keeps up.

The only one friend I really have is my middle brother. I spoke with him a few weeks ago when I was diagnosed and he's very supportive and told me he's proud of me. I just feel empty, alone, unfulfilled and like even if I get back to being 'normal' (job, car, stability) that my family won't be there, I'm especially concerned about my relationship with my eldest brother. It's very hard to reach out though because I have to assess whether or not I'm making a good choice or being co-dependent.

I'm up and down mostly, some days I'm great, make progress, fill out job applications, other days I sit with my inner critic; crippling me anytime I try to do something positive. Anyone else just starting their recovery?

[Dyess]

Hello Eire and welcome to the forum. You have had a painful journey and I'm sorry you are dealing with CPTSD but glad you found your way here. There is a ton of information here where a lot of us have gone through the steps of our recovery here. So take some time and browse the topics and you may find something that helps you out. We are all still healing and finding our way, together. Again welcome.

[Eire]

Thanks Trace!

I was just reading something you posted in the Neglect/Abandonment section.
Sounds like we have a bit in common.
I'll post more details about my story and life as time goes on.

[Dyess]

Well just make yourself at home and jump into any thread you want. We love new ideas