The older I get, the more I get traumatized...?

[On the edge of hope]

I felt so inspired at the end of this summer. I found a great, supportive man. He never says a harsh word. Makes love to me so beautifully. Makes me feel like a woman. I said to myself, "I'm ready to improve my life. I'm unemployed again, but I could go back to school." Skip forward to now. Music courses, I dropped (music is my calling... I'm *!). Bookkeeping courses - not able to finish on time. He is the one who recommended bookkeeping. This way, "I'll always have a job". I don't know what I will tell him. Every single job I've ever had has been a mostly very unpleasant experience; frequently humiliating for me. I'm putting off work search yet again.

I think I have PTSD from a few separate incidents. C-PTSD from CSA. C-PTSD from previous marriage to a man who yelled at me at least once a week, while I lay in bed sobbing my heart out. This went on for five years. Then PTSD from workplace, starting with my first job. Not only did I have to daily rub shoulders with my CSA abuser, but my boss yelled at me in his office, calling me dumb; sexually harrassed me. Also, my recent PTSD is from a long-distance relationship for one year. We were ultimate soulmates, telepathically in touch with one another. I knew that when texts and calls from him were sparse, he was seeing or having sex with other women. I worried to no end, drowning in pain. Now I have separation anxiety, and require people to never ignore my texts or calls, especially my boyfriend. And, lastly, PTSD from one year of living with a sociopathic roommate, trapped with her.

So, it seems that the older I get, the more all of these things accumulate somewhere inside of me, in a very painful spot that never seems to heal. I don't know why I have this cursed sensitivity to harsh words and violent communication. Each instance seems to disable me even more. If only I did not have this sensitivity. I -am- highly sensitive, but this sensitivity feels different.

I feel that maybe the more I push, or attempt to push myself to assimilate into society, the more avoidant of it I become. I'm giving thought to applying for disability based on my PTSD, and if all goes well, just taking care of myself with as much support as I can, until I get better. My previous therapist was against my going on disability, which I could not understand and resented.

[Boatsetsailrose]

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Taking. Care of myself with as much support as I can until I get better '
How wise and refreshing to hear this on the edge of hope '

This is the approach I have taken to - and the highest way in self care I find ! 
At the end of it all - sponsors , theorist oops ha I meant therapist , family , friend , work bystander they can all have knowledge and suggestion and yes I am v grateful ..
Yet it's me who has lived with my inner world for 42 yrs me who has slowly learnt about my limits and capabilities. When I can be with people and when I need to retreat - my high sensitivity and high stimulation system that lives in me ie nervous system ..

[Boatsetsailrose]

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by On the edge of hope ...
' so it seems the older I get the more all of these things accumulate somewhere in side of me '
Well thank you I can identify - and for me it's been about stopping Inc time off work , getting the support and giving myself the best chance to heal aside from outside pressure and the chance of being re traumatised by relationship ..
Quote ' I don't know why I have this cursed sensitivity to harsh words and violent communication '
From what I understand and my own experience this sensitivity is part of cptsd although I'm not sure Pete walker talks about it in his book ? But I know it is very true for us ( there is a post somewhere on oots that we talk about HSP -
I have always felt like an electrical wire without any sheath -
I have been fearful of people since being a small child
The therapy and learning are helping me a lot and am also learning how important down time is - being on my own ( enough but not too much) nature , body work of any kind ( walker talks about that in his book ) massage and self care in general
I am finding the more I can honour what I need without shutting off completely ie the balance and the more integrated I am getting in feeling stronger in who I am and my self worth the better equipped I am to filter other people as just being them and I can portray my boundaries and give off that people are to be respectful without me being harsh or a mushy mess
Co dependence is a big one for us it seems

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' each instance seems to disable me more ' yes I found this I had to reach a Kind of rock bottom to say ' right enough is enough '
I have spent the past 2 yrs living In a semi retreat way - working part time and having periods off altogether - seeing a child trauma therapist , doing 12 step recovery and keeping the rest simple - not much friend making ( but the odd person) and spending ALOT of time resting and self nurturing -

Maybe your therapist doesn't advise to quit work altogether as I know for me too much on my own can be detrimental too - and also work can provide confidence / esteem / sense of purpose -
But this can be done in other ways I know people on dla and have fruitful experiences doing voluntary work in all sorts of fields -
I mean let's face it take work out of the equation and it's not hard to have a balanced day looking outside 'the box'
Gee I'd go for it if I could - the uk don't diagnose cptsd so unfortunate that not an option here ( I don't think )

Quote ' I feel the more I push, or attempt to push myself to assimilate into society, the more avoidant of it I become '

Yes ! I felt like that too .. The more I tried to be 'normal ' the more I felt abnormal . I can see now that it was because I needed a lot more healing and tools - to retreat and rest and then slowly over time build myself up in a different way -
I don't live the life I did before and I like this life much better ...
Sometimes I feel odd but then I know it is just comparing myself to 'society ' and let's face it main stream society I don't view as being 'functional ' so now I view that my disability has become my friend showing me what I need and how I can best feel ok - side stepping , dodging and stealthing
Like a fox - and a bear and a badger 🐾

And as I've been able to do this what seems to be being born is that I am able to 'be in it ' more but not 'of it ' I swear when I'm at work I try and do a good job but I wear it more loosely - some days I feel I'm in a comedy sketch - people can be so off it - it's human nature -
I thank the universe that I have been given enough sanity to start to thrive and with that like a heat seeker I am finding I have more worth to seek out more functional people to relate to and the unfunctional aren't allowed to penetrate me like they used to -
Making transformations to shed the scars and cptsd coat takes time , care and Dilegence and from what you are saying you sound in a great place to allow yourself the very things you identify you need- a super place to be in 🌸💐

It has been very heart warming to read your post this morning and be able to reply -
Today I have taken a 'rest day off work ' commonly know as a skive day 🌞🍂
Only I and my sponsor know I need this -
The nuclear reactor needs down sizing - tonight I go and do a core class to get into the sultilties of my body - because that's what I need
I'm still in bed ( it's afternoon ) because today that's what I need
I have cptsd a disability - a disorder - a condition - it was 'given to me ' by a dysfunctional society -
Today we reclaim a small part of ourself to come back to who we really are and tomor well we do just the same ☀️
I wish you every bit of success that is on offer for us and I am glad you are here X