Undiagnosed Autistic Mother?

[Whobuddy]

I have been a member of OOTS since 2015 but I haven't posted for years. Looks like a whole new crew here now, of course. Hi to all and especially Kizzie and anyone else who might remember me.
I wanted to post today because I don't know where else to turn. I had determined that I have CPTSD over 12 years ago and began my healing journey. My parents have passed and also one of my two sisters so I don't have family to discuss this with.
Through a ton of reading and research the best I could figure was that my mother was BPD but none of the PDs seemed to fit her exactly.
Recently, I learned about the symptoms of autism and I can see her plainly in almost the entire list. What I thought was emotional neglect may well have been an autistic lack of empathy, lack of appropriate social skills such as eye contact, facial expression, and conversational skills. I thought she was ignoring me.
Her random tantrums which were usually aimed at me were likely autistic meltdowns when she felt overwhelmed.
I grew up frightened of her and I tried to make myself invisible so she wouldn't attack me. So the abuse was real. But her motives are so very different from what I thought.
It seems that autistic people are not usually violent toward others so there may have been a comorbidity also.
I can't find any information about growing up with an undiagnosed, untreated autistic parent. So I was wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience or just wants to comment on this. I would love to hear from you.

[Kizzie]

I do remember you WhoBuddy, welcome back! 

That's quite the revelation about your M. I did Google "parents with autism" and there is quite a bit from various organizations although not much in academic journals apparently. Here's just one I found. I don't know if it quite matches what you've said about your M - https://heller.brandeis.edu/parents-with-disabilities/pdfs/autism-parent-factsheet.pdf. I suppose it matters where on the spectrum a parent is.

In any event, I think what matters is how it affected you and from the sounds of it you needed to be invisible a lot of the time to avoid her anger so developing CPTSD is not a surprise. My M was a narcissist due to trauma in her own life and it was the same for me. Even though I can now feel some compassion for her because of what brought her to be an N, I still have a lot of feelings about losing my childhood and ending up struggling with CPTSD.

Hopefully there will be a few members whose parent(s) were autistic who can share their experiences.

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for the reply and the article.  I hadn't come across that one. Most articles deal with autistic parents who have a diagnosis and they are doing their best to parent their children - or how to parent autistic children. Autism had not even been identified until my M was an adult. It makes me sad that she never got support for the overwhelm she must have felt all her life.

My head is really spinning as to how to process this new information.  I know they always tell us that the abuse wasn't about us and I had understood that on some sort of cognitive level but now I see much more clearly how it REALLY wasn't about me, she was coping the best she could considering her disorder. But it was very frightening for me as a child. Apparently, some autistic people don't remember all or part of what they do during a meltdown. It was so confusing how afterwards she would act like nothing had happened.

This explains so much about her inconsistency, and why once my sisters and I had become adults and moved out of the house, how she seemed to be able to cope somewhat better.
It's a lot.

[Blueberry]

Hi Whobuddy Welcome back, I do remember your name. There are a few oldies from back then still on the forum.
I don't know about autism, hope others have more to contribute.

[Whobuddy]

 

[Kizzie]

It is a lot to process Who Buddy 

[NarcKiddo]

If a better understanding of her position allows you to process what happened to you better, then that must be all to the good. Now she has passed there is no danger of you endangering yourself emotionally by giving her too much leeway in light of what you now think she was dealing with.

I am pretty sure my parents are not neurodivergent but some traits could be argued to affect them. My M is basically NPD, possibly also BPD and goodness knows what else besides. She has a horrible trauma history. When she claims she loves me I believe she does, as much as she is capable of. Which is not much and she loves herself more. I am sure she had/has all sorts of motives of self-interest but I do not believe many of them (if any) are conscious.

I agree with Kizzie that the main thing that matters is what happened to you and how it affected you. New information may help your healing process and I hope it does.

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for your reply. I have been thinking about it a lot.
My recent discovery of my M's likely Undiagnosed Autism in some ways changes my whole life story and in some ways changes nothing. As you point out: motives may not be conscious. How much were our Ms in control of their motives and actions. If a narcissist cannot act any other way is their behavior actually their fault? Same with BPD and autism.

There is a disconnect between their actions and the damage they did/do to us. Were they purposefully hurtful?
 
I had previously believed that M's actions were at least partially conscious, at least partially based on something I did, said, didn't do, didn't say but now I am processing that her outbursts and insensitivity were solely a result of overwhelm that she didn't plan nor could she control. And then she didn't remember what she had done - at least not with clarity.

There will always be the fact that she could have made an effort to be a better parent but in her generation that wasn't as much of a thing as it is now. Parents could be mean to their kids and little or no notice was taken.