Sensitivity to any ups and downs in friendships

[pelicantown]

My friend (basically only friend in my city that I see in person relatively frequently) and I recently had a conversation over a post she shared on social media. It was originally by this "health hack" type person who I'm not exactly a fan of, so I sort of initiated the conversation saying "oh hey, you follow this person?" and we went back and forth and I was sort of just saying oh I've heard he's not the best, I've heard XYZ, in a very plain tone of voice.

And for some reason she got extremely activated and acted like I was attacking her and her intelligence. I've noticed this friend often does take things very personally if I do disagree on anything or choose to do things differently than her, which I find really strange and difficult to deal with when it does happen.

Whenever these types of situations happen my mind tends to drift into - I don't want to bother having any deep conversations or bother starting any conversations that go beyond surface level because there's a chance I can end up in negative scenarios like this. And I feel like this is a huge stuck point for me.

Just wondering if anyone can relate or has "solved" this before.

[Teddy bear]

Hi Pelicantown,

I've had similar situations with my older sister and some other people, including ones from a 12-step program.

My sister is fond of similar 'health hack' doctors and researchers. Since she lives in an English-speaking country, she used to send me a lot of podcasts and so on.

My reaction could vary, from no reaction and not listening to a podcast, to showing genuine interest. Sometimes we would have disagreements, which she took very personally.

We finally stopped discussing these topics, like diets. And actually, we're not in touch at all now, but there were other reasons for that.

At a 12-step program here in Russia, some people were interested in certain approaches and 'hacks' I've heard of. But sometimes they could get defensive or even passive-aggressive when I was just sharing my experience of what was helpful to me.

Generally speaking, I normally avoid similar topics: health, diet, lifestyle. I think everyone has the right to choose their own approach.

[TheBigBlue]

This really resonates. I don't have a clean solution either, but I want to share how I've come to understand this in myself - in case any part of it helps you feel less alone with it.

With complex relational trauma, many of us adapted very early by softening, shrinking, or erasing our authenticity in order not to endanger connection. Back then, connection wasn't just emotional - it was survival. When disagreement, difference, or even mild dissent once led to rupture, rejection, or emotional fallout, the nervous system learns: don't go there. So when a present-day interaction suddenly feels charged or unsafe, it can hit that old alarm system hard.

For me, what's helped a bit isn't forcing myself to "hold my line" or push through those conversations, but understanding why my system reacts the way it does. Sometimes I consciously choose not to engage or not to pursue a point - not because I'm erasing myself, but because I see the limits of the other person and decide it's not worth the cost for me. That choice, when it's truly mine, seems to reduce the rumination and self-doubt afterward.

You're not broken for wanting to protect yourself from those dynamics. And the fact that you're noticing this pattern and questioning it already tells me you're listening to yourself more than you maybe ever were allowed to. That matters.

(If that's ok)