Schrodingers jealousy

[NarcKiddo]

I had a typical FOO scenario crop up the other day which I will likely write about in my journal. The specifics are not relevant to this post. I have just finished a therapy session devoted to discussing it, and the issues which arise.

I have great difficulty in identifying what emotions I am even having, let alone what might fit current circumstances. My session with T today involved a lot of discussion of my hair-trigger protective response in relation to what I DO NOT WANT. I am not easily able to predict what might trigger the response but it comes on very fast and very definite. I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue. I don't really know myself but I always feel so small and stupid voicing to my T that I don't know what I like or don't like (bar the hair-trigger "NOT THAT"). It makes me squirm and cry.

It brought me back to an incident in my childhood which I have discussed in therapy many times. Nothing big, or dramatic. Just that M told me not to be jealous of my sister about a holiday. My psychopath grandmother was taking my sister on holiday. I don't think it had occurred to me to be jealous. Why would I be? But my mother did not ask if I was jealous. I guess she assumed I was and said I should not be.

Since my mother told me everything about myself, I was now in a position of being told to be jealous and at the same time not jealous.

I guess it is no great surprise I'm a bit confused. 

[Kizzie]

The incident in your childhood re your GM taking your S on holiday. Did you even feel you could say to your M that you did not feel jealous or was it a "done deal" so to speak? If sounds to me like she shut you down a lot and how hard, unfair and abusive is that? My M used to talk over top of me as though I wasn't there and it made me feel so angry, invisible and as though I did not count. I never said anything as I was scared of her reaction until one day as an adult I did and it certainly set her back on her heels. She mostly stopped talking over top of me and if/when she did I would always say something to the effect of "Excuse me, I'm not finished what I was saying" and eventually she stopped trying to making me invisible.

In my case it was all about finally and clearly being able to identify what she was doing in real time, why, and then having the agency to do something about it. Prior to that I would get confused and would shut down any anger, knowing something was happening that was not good but not quite knowing what it was or why I felt so emotional and that if I said anything life would get harder. Part of relieving this meant spending much less time around her and my FOO and the whirlwind of drama and chaos that makes it hard to think/feel. Ongoing exposure to her N drama meant I had to constantly be on guard so I didn't have the bandwidth to sort things out. Once I had more space I felt like I could breath and think and feel.

Maybe some of what you feel is based around exposure to her (and your FOO) which leaves little bandwidth to feel your feelings? Being around N's is as I've said exhausting and confusing and IMO they mean it to be this way. That's how they better control us or at least leave us so muddled we can't think/feel straight.

You have every right to be you no matter what she says or does but perhaps like I had to do you need to create a boundary/some space to be able to do that? Just my thoughts of course, you know you best and what is relevant.

 

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
I sense your courage in seeing and naming things clearly for yourself. 

I particularly noticed your words: "I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue."

Stopping a fire from engulfing everything is a critical skill. And it is different from designing and constructing beautiful, livable architecture.

Noticing fear and staying with oneself to avoid a full blown EF is incredible! And it is not the same thing as creating a path towards dreams and feeling free.

It used to be utterly foreign for me to know what I genuinely felt. I began to thaw by asking myself to write down three of my feelings at a given moment. I kept a notebook just for that. Usually there were conflicting feelings that showed up. And it was ok because I felt more connected to myself.

Doing that exercise regularly and patiently gave me insights. I have heard it called "building emotional literacy." I still practice it daily.

I feel certain NK that you are on the path to meeting all of yourself.

[Bach]

"Schroedingers jealousy", what a perfect metaphor.  I can't think of a specific instance right away, but thinking about it I am swamped with a sense of YES, THAT, it happened to me all the time!  Like how as a child I believed that it was the ultimate birthday celebration to go to a fancy restaurant and a Broadway play. 

[Desert Flower]

I was now in a position of being told to be jealous and at the same time not jealous.

I sounds to me like your M 'knew' you would be jealous (which might actually say more about her than about you, but I'll leave that aside) and what was actually implied was for you to not feel it. Maybe, as far as she was concerned, it would be okay for you to 'be' jealous (or any emotion), as long as you did't feel it, or if at least you didn't show you felt it. If that makes any sense. At least, that is how I relate to this. And I can certainly see how that would be very confusing. And that would also make it hard now to know what you feel at all.